well hello

well hello

Wednesday, May 6, 2009


I slept so much, it was not restful sleep though, I tossed and turned and got up to pee many times. I have been exhausted all day. Right now I have a scratchy, sore throat and a very runny nose that has recently turned completely stuffed up and it's impossible to breathe or smell anything or taste anything. And I am listening to "Badge" by Eric Clapton, what a song, I only wish it went on for about ten more minutes, maybe more. I am shaky, I can't catch my breath, I am nervous, I am tense, I am excited, I am stressed, I am anxious. I am a mess. I need school to be over as soon as possible. But I need to get some assignments turned in for a little peace of mind. My fingers hurt.

Deep breath.

A switch of song, a switch of mood and melody. I do like to write. Sometimes being the left out operative word here. I am so good at distracting myself, I can really do that for hours and hours. Left to my own devices I can accomplish barely anything, but I can read online and find out information that I need to know that way.

I am here. Free write time:

blah blah blah bladdity blah I am Sarah. I can't do this I can't free write at this moment my mind is too foggy and my words are tumbling out and they are invisible and I can't even grab them or form a coherent sentence all I can do is think, daydream, imagine, recreate scenes in my head and what I should have could have done or said or how I should have acted.

I need it I need help I need to be stress free I need summer I need sun and warmth and family and love and friends and a hug I need a hug so bad.

Monday, May 4, 2009

My mind is blank and it scares me.

I don't know how I am still alive.

Why do I waste every second?

Where do I go from here? How do I fix this day, this life, MY life? It is all wrong. I am not living in the moment any more, I forgot how to, I forgot how to live. I know how to pack a bowl, I can roll a cigarette, I can even pop open a beer with the opener attached to my key chain.

I just sit, eat, listen to music, search for answers on the internet (my lifeline), work when I have to, attend class if I must, call my mom to chat, dish with S., and PARTY. I Party Like Whoa.

My brain is so foggy and I can't even speak. I can't type at all, I can't write for shit, I am going to fail classes this semester, I know it. I am failing at life. I need to turn it around, but I guess it is not happening today. Sometimes I am so inspired, mostly when I am high, or involved in good conversation. Sometimes I pay attention in class, but never have the qualms to raise my hand and ask a question, or volunteer an answer. Ever since I was shot down by my teacher, he will never know how he bust my bubble.

Homework/finals status: Research paper due last Sat. - didn't do, don't plan to. Term paper due today - have not started, probably will tomorrow, hopefully...I have three classes to attend.. Research post/ 2 analysis posts - nope, didn't bother...but maybe this week. Paper due next Tues. for Poetry - no clue where I am going with it. Environmental Lit. homework and essay - did not start, and now it's too late.

I am probably forgetting some stuff. I can't remember anything anymore. I don't even know where the keys are that I am typing on, although I give myself some credit for being able to stare at the screen while typing, most of the time.

My mouth is salty and dry from yogurt covered raisins and wheat thins with no water to wash it all down. I stuffed my face today with disgusting food: 2 oat and honey $0.25 granola bars, tons of candy (one Swedish fish, one sour patch gummy, tons of gummy worms), whole bag of corn nuts (which were awesomely crunchy), fruit, olives, veggies, baked potato with cheese, Alfredo covered ziti [that was dinner]...lots of shit. Lots of coffee and 2 cappuccinos at work, lots of water. 2 or 3 hand rolled cigarettes...my teeth are getting so yellow from the coffee and cigs...gotta cut back.

And I signed a lease today. I owe $100 Fri, and the rest later in May, hopefully I can make at least $200 in the next 3 paychecks, that way I only have to ask the 'rents for $300. Fuck fuck fuck. Living alone should be good. I just need to get my act together and pull through these next few weeks...I have no choice. I do not know why I would think that I can float through college without doing any work, that is just stupid STUPID! Not to mention naive..

Sar just do it. Stop procrastinating. Stop searching for mental illnesses online as justification for your lazy fucking ass. Stop munching on junk food to fill up the emptiness inside. Stop smoking weed everyday. Quit fucking drinking so heavily, you are on meds, and it's fattening, and you act silly.

And I now talk to myself, apparently. Fuck.