well hello

well hello

Wednesday, April 30, 2014


Perhaps you are curious about what I look like, this elusive Sar whose blog you dig.
Go ahead and take a look to the left side of this screen. Yep. It was time to show my face.


PS: Do you know me?

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

The space between our wicked lies

Look away, look away
As April comes to an end I can look back and say with certainty that I've changed. Maybe not a lot but enough. When this month started I was coming off a high. I was hooked on Z. That faded fairly fast, and now I've almost forgotten him. I've realized the truth; I remain logical.

Instead of regret or remorse I am numb.

Today is Tuesday and it's raining. They are calling for rain all week. I got drunk on Sunday. I didn't even mean to. The funny thing with me and drinking is that I never can tell when I'm drunk until it's way, way too late. And the realization doesn't happen half the time. Usually I just do my best to keep the spins at bay and keep my voice under control. No one can tell I'm drunk. Not even me.

I live in a constant altered state. The waves and blips of levels of inebriation do not resonate.

I am running out of money and it's brought aboard my old friend panic. A familiar feeling of stress and anxiety and worry; I am almost comforted by the drama of it all. It's sick. I need to find a job. I will find a job.

God, sometimes I just hate myself! And everyone! I am so concerned always with what everyone else is doing or thinking. I want to know and control it all. But I can't and it eats away at me. I have therapy tonight, good thing. Weekly is working. Tonight will be my third visit and I hope so sincerely that she will see past my facade of wellness.

Time for work. Love love love you.

Saturday, April 19, 2014


I am mourning an invisible person's death, I am lacking insight and clarity and I have questions!! THIS is why they warn against one night stands. Maybe it's better that he doesn't live here. If he did, I would feel even more compelled to hang out. This is a new feeling...or is it? Have I been here before, same fruit - different color? I'm not making any sense. I am caffeinated and pmsing and not happy. I hate feeling like this. Feelings are not my friend today.

I miss Z. Isn't that stupid? I miss him but I don't even know him. I don't have any clue what his life is like or if he's still fooling around on the road with others, and I can't even ask him. I can't do anything but be grateful for the experience.

We have "kept in touch". A smattering of texts. I don't know if it's helping or hurting me.

My period is due to start today. I have the signs and symptoms so FINGERS CROSSED it comes. Because if it doesn't...well, that's not something I can deal with right now.

How do I move on from this? What is the proper course of action? I can't forget him, I won't. But I can't just put my life on hold under the HOPE that MAYBE someday things could change. Too risky? Inherent wishful thinking?

I suppose the solution is to do nothing. Take it as it comes. As Ellie G. would say, "lovers hold on to everything".


It's the weekend. I've been on spring break this whole week. The sun is shining out my window so I'm going to go for another walk today. I've been good about my walks, at least. Gotta tone up for summer.

I've been job searching like crazy! Also considering an out of state move.

I have no idea where to start with that though. According to my parents, you need lots of money (and a job) to move out of state. I do not have either. Have any of you ever moved out of state? How did you do it? Looking for any advice on this, please and thank you!

Well guys...have a happy easter weekend. Take care :-D

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Look out the window, see how the sun is shining? Get offline and go outside!

How are you guys? I'm dandy, quit my serving job at the restaurant last weekend! How irresponsible of me!

According to my mom, the depression is to blame. I am not a lost cause, however, and have scheduled my first appointment with a mental health counselor next week. Here we go again... I am exhausted at the possibility of starting from scratch with my story but it has to be done. I do need help.

I think I know what else I need, just lack the motivation to make a change. So for now I have one part-time job (facing down a week of unpaid vacation - spring break) at the school. I will not be able to survive financially for long. It is time to update my resume and find one full-time job.*

*that I can handle.

I am weak, my friends. Weak and impulsive as fuck lately. The sex. The quitting. The drinking til I puke. Bad decisions coming from a dark place. I don't know if I'm doing this all for the story, to be dramatic...or if I literally cannot help myself.

I have this crazy (but perfectly logical) fear of stds/pregnancy (from my one night stand) and have not even called my gyno yet. Speaking of "him" (let's just call him Z), we've texted a tad but it's faded away. It seems that keeping in touch will not be an everyday thing. At this point I'm just trying to keep it real, not sure where he's at.

Life is varied and without reason! I'm confident and petrified but restless. I crave change but seemingly do better with routine. I want to move so bad. By the ocean. I've been saying it for years!!!! but it hasn't happened. Why do I prefer solitude, my own company over others? I say, "there's no one close to me" and believe it until the reality of it hurts somewhere deep and untouchable.

I need touch and physical proximity but when it's in front of me sometimes I shy away, not being able to handle what comes next - the feelings, the comfortability, the mundane? I know parts of myself and yet there's a never before discovered infinite reservoir within.

I still haven't touched the meds my doc gave me. I self-medicate, look it up.

My heart is racing. I drank two cups of strong coffee and smoked a little herb. I vacuumed and called my mother. I'm actually going home for the afternoon - laundry and dinner with the family. Pizza. Which is why I'm not eating lunch. Yes, I'm trying to restrict.

I need to be out in the sunshine. It's beckoning me!

Saturday, April 5, 2014

Is there a reason for anything?

It's late Friday night. I worked until 1AM and there is nothing to eat here. I'm smoking and drinking water. I feel the emptiness within. I've been starving myself all week. I need to be thinner. I let it go for a brief bit, but that's done.

We texted a few days but conversation with Z. faded quicker than I thought. I never got the plan B. I could give a damn right now.

I drank so much at work tonight. Everyone was. It's getting bad there.

It's late and I'm supposed to be back in a few hours for a meeting. I've made the decision to skip it. I'll get there when I get there to work a freaking double. Screw them. So much drama. Everyone is fake. It's stressful and I'm getting ready for a change..

C. has been really volatile, accusing, and defensive towards me. He sent me some dramatic texts and even called me when I was at work tonight. Of course he doesn't answer when I call him back. Men! So confusing and fickle.

I need to sleep. Good night.