Oh you guys, why am I so lost and confused? After work (it was already dark) I grabbed my pepper spray and walked a couple blocks to a bar. I chugged two beers. Now I'm sitting here stressing and obsessing. The alcohol was supposed to help. I'm smoking, which is also supposed to help. Nothing helps.
I can't even break "the dealio" down into a nutshell, as much as I want to. Things with D. are as varied as ever. We have a solid week of goodness, and then a few awkward ass days and nights. He is going through a tough time. His cat ran away over a week ago and he took a nail to the head at work. I am needy as fuck and losing my shit over the space and distance he has placed between us. I try to understand that this is how he deals. Except...it doesn't quite work. I am not able to understand why he doesn't need me.
My hair is fucked. I hate my fucking hair.
I have largely ignored this blog because I've been obsessed with D. I fancied myself falling in love. The harsh reality is that it's too soon for that.
Music helps though. I do love music. Currently listening to Guster - Satellite.
Work is fine just not enough hours or money it seems. I am consistently broke and barely managing to pay all of my bills. I need work clothes and new glasses yesterday. I need to go to the dentist. I need to take my cat for a check up (it's been a couple years).
It will all work out. Que sera sera.