well hello

well hello

Thursday, October 28, 2010

I painted my nails red and when I gesture I feel fancy

I miss you guys. I've been sadly too busy to post or even just to read your blogs and relax. Time is a-flying. I've got class in 45 minutes, it's so early it's still dark out, I'm smoking and listening to sad songs, because, you guessed it - J. was here last night. Then he went home and we exchanged texts. I want more, he doesn't. He doesn't act like it, he acts adorable, in a conniving sort of way. Whatever, I have such a busy day, I need to not worry about it.

Today. 3 classes. Annotated Bibliography. Group meeting for presentation. More research. No sleep. No contacting asshole I mean J.

It's just that I really don't think he's an asshole. He's managed to squeeze his way into my heart and I hate him for it, but we really get along in such a cute way. We just joke and laugh and stare at each other and contact each other and to be perfectly honest it feels like we're seeing each other/dating. But I guess we're not? He hasn't left town yet, I don't know when that is supposed to happen. He says, "next week". He basically defines shady but what's a girl with a heart as big as mine to do?

The answer is nothing.
The answer is she starves.

Yesterday I fasted. It was great actually, but I definitely felt myself get bitchier as the day and night progressed. I ate some food last night though, late, after J. left. Damn I just consulted my post it on my computer which lists my intake, and I ate about 1000 calories last night. After an entire day of fasting, so that's not terrible.

Had weird dreams all night, actually every night. Sipping on my tea right now, I will probably try to not eat all day again, although it's always harder when I have this early class. My stomach starts grumbling! Ugh, hate it. Lol I'm becoming so obvious about my hatred for food I think. I made a remark to my friend yesterday about how beautifully thin our teacher is. I don't "get lunch" on campus. I don't need to stuff my face for freedom.

I just need my pipe. And some music. And a little bit of time.
Life is better with those three things.

My heart ache from me and J.'s latest drama is fading with the darkness. I can see the trees outside now, that tells me I better get some clothes on and get to class.
I can do this.
So can you.

Be strong today.

Think thin.


Saturday, October 23, 2010

Damn you for being so easygoing

Good day to you, it's quarter past noon and I'm stoned and sitting in my pjs. I plan to drive to another state as soon as I shower. I am going to the mall. And that's that. It's Saturday. I can't believe I don't have to work. I have nothing to do but clean or do homework, so I'm getting the hell outta College Town and having an adventure.

I feel skinny today. Somewhat. I have been doing okay with the restriction. I caved and bought ice cream the other night though. I just craved chocolate and peanut butter coldness on my tongue. It satisfied. I still have some in the freezer. A 1/2 cup serving is 160 calories. I usually eat 2-3 servings. So you can figure out that mess. It's a lot, it adds up, but for some reason I don't seem to be gaining. I just let myself starve so long most days. It's weird. I really like it though, in this nutty, love/hate kind of way.

I hate myself though, for sure. I hate me with this odd detachment. I don't give a shit what I do. I'll be dead someday or the other. Hopefully not today. I just gotta live.

I have terrible grammar today. My face feels real greasy, I can't wait to shower and just go shop for awhile, and drive, and all that other good stuff. I'm basically out of smoke and my guy Tom is throwing me a fucking bone. He now only sells 1 g for twenty, which is a fucking ripoff. So looks like I'm cutting back, wayyy back, until someone else surfaces.

Whatever, I'm sure I'll have to quit pretty soon anyway. I've got to start applying for jobs. Ugh, the thought is like this looming spaceship over my senses. I don't want to grow up, I want to be a college kid forever. No, that's not true at all. It's just not.

So, here's some shit. The new coat I just got? The very-adult, trendy, winter jacket? The first day I wore it [to school] (yesterday) and guess what I did, I ashed on it. There's a hole now. LOL right? Go figure? It's a sign to stop smoking? (YES) Idk. I was so, so, mad at myself, because I didn't realize it until I was at a stop light, and I saw some ashes, brushed them off, saw the hole, doomed myself to hell.

I'm a smart one.

Luckily it's down near the bottom, and kind of covered by a part, but you know! Wtf! I may get it fixed.

I need to shower, I'm so gross.

Take care, ya'll. I'll be out spending some money, getting our economy going. I suggest you do the same. You only live once, so make yours a thin existence.

Think thin, like these lovelies:

The girl in the middle looks the best. The girl on the left is second best or maybe even equally thin.
You decide.

[The one on the right has chubby arms.
Don't have chubby arms, people.] 

Stay strong.

Think thin*



Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Ocean breathes salty

by Modest Mouse is a great song. There's a line, "you wasted life, why wouldn't you waste death?" that describes the person I do NOT want to be. I will not waste life. Not one moment, if possible. I need to live like I'm free, which I am. Free and independent, blessed yet jaded. Which brings me to this week. Ugh, what a week it's been. I always thought my period week was the worst but I've changed my mind. It's the week after. The week after is when my hormones are on the move and I feel it!

I actually cried the other night. I never cry. J. and I were up until three in the morning going back and forth about why we shouldn't be together and emotions and just a whole bunch of stuff. As you can see, things aren't quite done between us. We're "friends" but there is something fishy going on. My intuition understands why he's holding back. He's not the only one, I'm holding back as well. Neither of us want a relationship but there is just this undeniable connection there. It's sad, really. And confusing.

It is six in the evening and I've ate one apple today. I'm really hungry! The idea of eating sickens me though, because I binged on Sunday & Monday. I know, I know. Terrible. The one and only good thing about binging (at least for me) is that I always manage to completely gross myself out. It's just...wrong. How much I can eat, that is. There is no stopping when "full". What the fuck is full? I eat until I hate myself. Then, I starve myself until I'm shaking and my head is pounding and I can't think straight and my stomach loudly growls, protesting it all.

The truth is, I can't fucking eat right. Even when I TRY. I buy healthy food and ignore it. I buy shitty junk food when I crave it and eat it until I decide I'll never eat it again, I'm so sick of it. Who eats until they hate food? Freaks like me and you, I guess. Ok. We're not freaks, we're products of society. My society bombards me with mouth-watering advertisements, drive thrus, vending machines, fast food, slow food, bad food, badder food, food, food, FOOD EVERYWHERE and it's really hard to deny the fact that we eat! We. Eat.

We have to eat and if we don't we die. I hate that about us, me, whoever. I hate food. Hate it. I hate food and I hate life when I eat. I hate life when I don't eat. I can't win.

I don't want to need anyone or anything.

I bought a winter coat today. Size *small*. It was originally $250, and I got it marked down for $111. Not bad! It's black, with buttons and it's trench style - very trendy. And warm. I like it. It's sophisticated.

Am I though? Am I this sleek sophisticate? I think not. I am a stoner slacker who blogs about food. LOL. My life is a joke.

In my lowly defense, I am into fashion. I love fashion magazines and make serious attempts at dressing well. That was one thing kinda good about the fire. I had to buy all new clothes, so of course right away I bought a bunch of cheap shit just to wear, but over the summer and this fall I've managed to get a couple cute things.

Sometimes all I can do is smoke a bowl and try not to hate myself so extremely. I'm at a point where, if something goes wrong, I literally yell at myself. I say, "you stupid idiot, dumbass, wow you're so fucking STUPID, goddamn you, die, you fucking cunt". Why Sar? Why am I doing this to me? It's so...hurtful. When I'm like that, it's not just words, I want to do something, I want to kill myself. I want to be dead during those moments.

But then, a few minutes pass, and I forget.My mind goes elsewhere, and then I remember later on, like now when I just recalled doing that earlier today. I just get so mad at myself. So critical. I want so badly to be perfect. I know this. I won't ever be though, and I have to constantly remind myself that no one is perfect and I am doing the best I can.

Wow, my head is killing me right now. Could be the smoke, could be the hunger, most likely it is just this stress I feel inside. I am stressed about EVERYTHING. I smoke to chill out but it doesn't always chill me out. The only thing that is going to work here will be me getting some shit done.

Thanks for the nice comments on my last post. I was really quite hurt by the whole ordeal, but J. apologized, and I'm thinking there's a good chance he made the whole thing up to "get back at me" for whatever I did on Sunday, which wasn't much, just me being my peculiar self and antagonizing a little. Either way, things with him are really weird. I am trying to forget about him, but he won't let me. We work together next Wednesday. Yay. And then he's supposedly leaving town to "pursue his dreams".

You know what I think? Every day is a chance to pursue dreams. It's not this thing in the future that you "do". It's now, it's preparation and perseverance. It's thinking and reflecting and making decisions. Life is what we make of it EVERY DAY. Because tomorrow is not guaranteed.

Stay strong, all. Peace out.

Think thin*



Sunday, October 17, 2010


Life is a roller coaster and I can't stay in the seat. I am sick today, sick in the head. My emotions are shit and a real pattern has developed. A guy hangs out with me for awhile, "gets to know me", and then calls me out on everything. I fucking hate it.

It just happened with J.
LOL right? No surprises there? Things have been detrimental from the start, and today was the finale. I am trying like hell to get over it. It just really irks me that people out in the world hate me enough to tell J. that I "get psycho". Um. WHAT? THE? FUCK?

Fuck all of you. I hate you. What the hell did I do to you besides exist???

It makes no sense. And we got in a text fight and he brought that up and it totally threw me off. Like, really? How immature CAN YOU BE?

I'm pissed, people. Fucking pissed the fuck off and I want to fight. J. and I are nowhere, nothing. It's disappointing considering he stayed over until 4:30 AM the other night. No sex, just lots of talking and laughing.

Screw it, I'm not going to waste time reminiscing. I hate that this happened and I don't really understand but I am LETTING IT BE. 
For realz.

Eating has been fine lately, nothing major to discuss. Having horrible cramps always makes it harder to eat.

I am sitting in my bathrobe at 3:30 in the afternoon. Our text fight went on for hours. It seems to be done now. He is actually pretty messed up, psychologically.

I've got to get to the pharmacy before it closes. Peace

Oh, and think thin -
I'm starving today as punishment for being a blind idiot -


Thursday, October 14, 2010

Hot mess

Life is flying by, so tonight I am purposely taking a risk and a chance. I am not doing my project proposal right now, I'm going to do it tomorrow because tonight is my night. I'm going to go out with J. and that's that. I already ate some food and then puked some up because my stomach just didn't want it. My body is weird and volatile, my brain is a shark in the waves, eating up everything and anything.

I am a loner, and I am scared. I need interaction, I need to be around some people. Today was such a long day. My back aches and I'm just so beat. It's almost 11 at night. I am meeting J. later, after midnight. 

I can't make this post make sense. I'm not thinking, I'm just feeling. I need a massage. I need to do the dishes. I need to move, I'll never live in a "lower" again. I HATE hearing footsteps overhead. Hate it, hate it, hate it... I'm terrified the roof is just going to fucking cave in.

So much work for my classes. OhLord please help me pass everything. I cannot wait to be done with college. Three months from now is January 14th. Where will I be then?

Where am I now?

Sar's not home, try again lata.

I think I'm a crazy cat lady pot addicted boy crazy freaky creep.


Ok. So someone asked about my feelings towards J. Well that's just me. I go back and forth with every damn thing. But Idk, last night I just started feeling really turned on when I thought about him. I'm not going to write him off just yet. I want to test the waters a little. His eyes. His lips. His height. 

His heart, his soul, his mind.

Me oh my oh my oh me.

I'm stoned. You guys, I have a problem. I smoke far too much marijuana. It's like my best friend or something. I am losingGgGg it.

J/k. I got this.

I think I'm getting sick, oh wait, maybe it's just my period. My fucking ankle still hurts but I walk on it every day. Never sprain your ankle, peeps...it blows.

My chest hurts from the throwing up.

I'm lonely, and I just want to feel sure about something.

[think thin]

Sleep doesn't come so easy

I gotta be quick. It's quarter after six in the morning and I'm leaving for class in twenty minutes. I am halfway ready, from the waist up. Pjs pants are too comfy to take off right away.

So. I'm bloated today and yesterday and the reason is that it's "that time". Great. Feelin' sexy.

I hung out with J. last night. We went to the beach and smoked a blunt. He is a fast walker. I found myself wanting to leave after we were high. Maybe because we were in close proximity to a factory (isn't that ghetto?) or maybe because he is too young for me. I want so badly to believe that age is just a number, but it's undeniable that with age comes experience. I am experienced and expect/want my guy to be at my level. I guess it'd be ideal for our intelligence to match and for our brains to work similarly but don't I really just want everything to be easy?

1200 calories yesterday.

I wish it were less, but today is a brand new day. I met with my film class teacher yesterday and she told me I was doing fine. That's good to hear, but what about my other classes is what I want to really know. Midterm grades will be up in approximately a week.

Here come the stomach cramps. Good thing I'm smoking a bowl. I popped my midol (of course) for the bloating, hope it helps. Water will ease the process.

Have a great Thursday :) Or, if it's over already, good night :)

I'll be hanging with J. again tonight I think. I'll give this another chance. Yes there is a connection but I don't know. It's weird now. I'm weird.

No food yet this morning.

I'll make it a low calorie day.

* Think thin *


Monday, October 11, 2010


Things change, my friends.

Tonight I worked. With J. He started grilling me about everything that has "happened" over the past couple days in front of a fellow employee who was coming to relieve me, and it turned into an eye-opening conversation in the back room before I left. He opened up to me. He said that he was trying to push me away, because in the past he has been pushed away. Yeah, yeah, everyone has their shitty past, but what was he really trying to tell me? I can only guess, and my guess is that we are mutual in our adoration.

Don't judge me, you didn't see his vulnerability. He is amazing and I feel like I'm rolling hard on excstasy, hours later. I wasn't lying before, this guy really has quite the effect on me. The whole time I was working I was tense and trying to be so nonchalant, and we had one decent conversation towards the beginning, about football of all things. He is so serious and deep. He thinks I am always joking, and says he can't tell what's straight with me. The truth is, I do kid around a ton. I need to. It's my shield. I like the attention off me, and if other people are laughing, everything's cool. This is just how I am, mostly towards the opposite sex. It's me flirting.

So yes, I'm on a cloud. He started texting me nonstop as soon as I left, telling me to come back and kiss him, saying "want to smoke later?", letting me know his phone was dying. I hate to say it, but I knew all along this would happen. Things were too good between us for it to be over so quick!

I'm happy :) He is leaving October 29th and we're going to chill as much as possible before then.

Calorie-wise, today has been excellent. I got a comment saying that keeping busy burns calories and let me say YES it does! Moving around is good!

I am just sitting here, blasting music, smoking a little, rehashing every thing we both said earlier, and feeling great with a fluttery stomach and a hot heart. I heart J. I know it's early, but it's true. We are so meant for each other. Sure, I say this about every guy, but I know for sure that we met for a reason. I remember the exact moment I saw him for the first time. I was at work, looking for a younger girl who I had to train that day. It was right when I came back to work, and there were new faces. J.'s was one of them. That day, he stood behind the deli counter and I came rushing by and then when I turned around our eyes met. I blushed, and said "Hi, I'm Sarah. I'm just looking for Kayla because I'm training her today." He said, "Hi, I'm J." *Sighs*

OhLord. Save me now. At least the prospect of us is a great reason to restrict calories. Take care ya'll. I hope I can sleep tonight.


Think thin*

Mellow Monday

I wish I had a fucking scale. I go back and forth: should I weigh? Should I not weigh? Today I want to weigh. I care to know the damage. This weekend was varied, with eating one day, starving the next, eating on Sunday, Monday will be a fast.

I just want to starve today. I'm so hungry right now. It's 10:18 on this start of the week, and I've already made my bed, done the dishes, cleaned the cat area, and smoked. I was supposed to tackle some more stuff yesterday and today, but one thing at a time, right?

I've got class and work today. So I'm going to write this blog post, maybe surf the 'net a little, shower, pack all my stuff for the day (school stuff, work clothes and shoes, a lil smoke), head to campus, group planning for project proposal, work (with J.), and finallyyy....head home to hit the sheetz early because tomorrow starts at 5:30 AM.


How are you all doing? 85 followers and I wish I knew for sure that every single one of you was doing okay. I try to be inspirational amidst the lists I make on here. It's in my nature; I want to make you feel good.

Speaking of, J. and I did not exchange one text or phonecall or anything yesterday. Nada. I did not delete him from my phone, but I changed his name to: "Not Interested Neither Am I" ... LOL, yup.

It's the little things. They add up and help me get through the day. Today will be a long one and I'm a little nervous about working with J. I have been preparing all weekend for this, really. I just want to be cool. There are so many reasons why I don't need him in my life. I'll leave it at that.

Last night I drove to the store and bought a frozen Snickers.

Pretty random, I know. But I craved sweets and didn't listen to my own advice about the fruit but here's something horrible: I have no fruit here. None. I need to go grocery shopping but I'm afraid to go to the store because what if I go nuts and buy lots of food? And I live in the middle of nowhere, honestly there's no grocery store with decent fruit, and nothing organic nearby. Looking forward already to moving. That'll be in December.

Where am I going to move?

It's a mystery. Even I don't know.

I have some ideas, I'm just so uncertain, and due to my academic probation it is imperative to get good grades which will boost my GPA enough to graduate. It's a stress. It's not that I don't think I can do it, I just...must have stress in my life, I guess. I kind of enjoy having lots of things to think about. And ruminate. And stew over. Etc.

Do I make sense?

Anyone out there getting ready to graduate with their Bachelors?? Grad school is out, but I'd like to utilize my major. The problem is the limited job situation. Especially in fields such as English and Philosophy. What's your plan?

Stay strong, lovely readers. Thanks for listening.

Think thin*


Sunday, October 10, 2010


Yesterday I ate some almonds. Yesterday I drank some coffee. Yesterday was a success. I wish I could subsist on 200 calories every day. That's a generous estimate of yesterday's starvation.

Alas, time goes, time flows, you know it's true, you, yes you, the reader of Sar's blog, my partner in crime, my inspiration, my thinspiration. I watch the wheels go round. I watch my body. I watch my weight.

I am not making any sense but I don't want to. I am fucking perplexed.

Backing up a little, yesterday was a good day. I saw J. at work and it was terribly awkward. We didn't talk. We didn't look at each other. I have no idea how we got here. So when I left, I texted him. We exchanged a few words, nothing worth noting. I don't know what happened, I don't get it, he won't let me understand, he won't see me. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.

My guy friend G. (who has a girlfriend) picked me up and we went to the bar to have a couple drinks and catch up. It was nice. The last time we saw each other we were making out in some parking lot, this was right before he moved out of state to be closer to his gf. Yes, I already know I'm sick and twisted.

So we had a decent time, there wasn't any sexual tension, we didn't kiss; we hugged. But it was one of those hugs: you know, where 2 bodies are pressed tightly in all the right spots. I digress.

He drove me home. I immediately, desperately, texted J. I was missing him, I was frustrated, I wanted answers, but, more than that, I wanted to fuck him.
I said, "Can I come over tonight?"
He said, "My friend is coming over to smoke but you're welcome to join if you'd like."
I said, "When? If it's a girl I'll leave ya alone. I just wanna blaze."
He said, "I feel bad, it's my buddy from back home and I rarely see him."
I said, "You rarely see me. (I was drunk) but I got to see a friend I haven't seen since May so I understand."

That was it. He never replied. I lounged on my couch all dressed up in my skirt and tights and cardigan and jewelery. He didn't say another word, and I certainly didn't want to bother him anymore, and I felt ok, like maybe things were ok, because I said that I understood so maybe he took that as me throwing him an olive branch or whatever.

But I couldn't resist, as my eyes were closing I sent him one last text. I said "Sweet dreamz handsome coworker."

I love messing with people, I really do. It gets me in trouble and it gets me in fights. In J.'s case I'm just making him hate me, I think.

I'm so fucking pathetic. To make matters worse, everyday I've been getting random texts from every other guy in my life. Every time my phone rings my heart flutters and my blood drops to my feet and I think, "J.?" but it's never him. Never ever. It's C. It's G. It's the other J. It's fucking B.

He doesn't want me and I want him so bad.

Since I didn't end up going to J.'s last night, which was probably for the best seeing as how I had been drinking, I prepared some food. Surprise surprise. It was technically after midnight though so it's under today's food list. Last night I made 3 "chik'n tenders" which are vegan substitute-meat things (gross) (but good), toasted 2 slices of whole wheat bread, cut some tomato, and put it all together with 1 slice of low fat cheese. It was like a "chicken sandwich" but, obviously, meatless. It was decent, and I was still really hungry after eating it, but then some fullness crept in, and I went to sleep without indulging in anything else.

Today is Sunday. A day of relaxation. I have a few goals for today. I will do all laundry (working on it), I will clean up/organize/clean cat area, I will look over my agenda and see what's going on this week (appointment with lawyer, conference with professor, work tomorrow, assignments), I will attend a art gallery opening and AVOID the free wine, I will NOT contact J., I will NOT eat much else. I say "much" because I'm taking this day to make SAR feel better. If I want to eat something later I won't kill myself over it.

Today's breakfast: 2 blueberry wholegrain waffles (190) with extra blueberries (20) and real maple syrup (110).
Fuck that high fructose corn syrup shit they sell everywhere. Seriously, check the ingredients. HFCS is nothing you want to eat and it's in EVERYTHING cheap and bad for you. Check the ingredients, for realz, it'll offer some peace of mind.

For lunch: 1 slice whole wheat toast w/ a tiny amount of low fat butter spread (90) and 2 graham crackers (90).

Not too bad, and I'm really full. I won't be eating for awhile. I'll just be doing laundry and maybe taking a lil nap before I get cracking on all my shyt. Oh yes, and I'm currently blazing. Smoking and blogging go hand and hand, they really do.

Can you tell how loopy I am today? I feel like a big part of me is just losing it. G. was telling me last night how confident I seem. It's all an act. I seem that way. I am who I am, and she can pretend to be confident in certain situations. Other times I am so painfully shy and awkward. Who cares about me?

BTW this is my 301st post. Wow. Guess I can call myself a writer.

Stay strong today. Also, do something for yourself. <3

I know it's hard, believe me I know. But we are people, and we all need a little comfort sometimes. So, if you can, look into your eyes and notice how pretty they are. Just the eyes, just look at your eyes, and imagine someone in your presence, lucky enough to see your eyes without a mirror. Envy them for this. They get to see into your soul because eyes are passageways. Eyes are all beautiful, all of them. Look at yours and welcome someone to enjoy them as well.

Eat something you are truly craving. Ask yourself honestly whether or not this food is what you really want, or are you just eating it to eat something? Ask yourself, because you deserve to be asked. Say, "Self, what is it that I could make for you that would warm a cold part of you? What would you eat right now that could maybe combat a craving?"

Think about fruit. Think about almonds. Think about creamy greek yogurt with real honey (no high fructose corn syrup-CHECK LABELS). These foods are low cal and can really satisfy a craving for sweets and creamy things.

Listen to music. Music is everything. Music is there so we can relate to it, love it, mimic it, sing it in the shower; music is there for you and me.

Don't hurt yourself. Love yourself. I love you because you're a complex human being with individual characteristics. That's pretty freakin' amazing. You're a gift. I'm a gift. We have purpose.

We are here for a reason.

Stay strong against food, stay strong against hate, ignorance, and intolerance. Peace on Earth.

Also, think thin.
Because while we're here we have to be honest. Thin people: (1) Get treated better and with more respect (2) Make more money than their obese counterparts on the job (3) Are aesthetically pleasing (4) Are probably in better health, costing less health care dollars from others (5) Can buy clothes anywhere, because clothes are tailor made for the thin.

Thin = Hott

*s m i l e*

Thanks for Reading...


What a hilarious fucking bathing suit top. Haha : )

Plus, go her for rocking that top with confidence at her age! 
Let's all be so awesome!

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Must. Punish.

Well hello bloggers, here's some advice: when someone seems too good to be true...they probably are an illusion, a figment of your imagination, a person with powerful will, strong enough to shield your love without thinking twice. J. and I are no more. Not that there ever was a "J. and I" but we really had such a great time and the kissing was fabulous and our talks were so personal and imaginative, and, and, no more.

Here's why. Wednesday (when we chilled) went well. Seriously. I wouldn't have felt like that if things weren't so right. I did not hear from him after I left Wednesday night, though. Sometime late Thursday I texted him. He responded, saying he was golfing, and that was it.

Later that night I texted him again, asking if we were cool (because at that point I thought he was mad at me for driving a lil drunk) and he didn't respond. So I broke the "rules" and texted him again. He responded saying something incoherent, so I replied with "Screw you". That got his attention. [Long story short] He said, "It's been a long day and I'm in bed; Stop trying to bring me down for not texting you for one day, you're just going to push me away."

Oh? I'm going to push him away by texting him 3 times after a wonderful time together? Nah. I said nothing until yesterday. Something concise, "If you're going to deny that there is something between us then it's your loss." To which he replied, "I think you're complicating things but whatever you say"... and then he goes, "I'm leaving for NYC (true) and you should focus on school (also true) so let's just be friends."

Ouch. Hit me with all these true statements and then say we should be friends? But...I don't wanna. I want to make love. I want you to be my boyfriend. I want to be your girlfriend. Goddamn where are these voices coming from? Boyfriend? I can't even take care of myself/love myself/appreciate myself where the hell am I going to find the time or energy to put into reassuring a boy? And, *sigh*, that's what he is. A boy. A little, scared boy. And I'm a fat, scared girl.

And so getting back to the text drama, I said "I know, friends :)"

Today, I'm sad. Yesterday, I was in denial. Yesterday, I binged. At 8 in the evening I ordered an 8 inch thin crust veggie pizza with blue cheese on the side for dipping. I ate the entire thing, and then 2 blueberry waffles with real maple syrup. I am fucked in the head and feeling huge today. The best part? The very very best wonderful perfect part is that I see J. today at work.

This feels fucking familiar, it feels like T. No, that's a lie. I had the time to develop real, true feelings for T. as a person. With J... I am attracted to what I am initially seeing. It's not necessarily a bad thing, it's just a risk, because things happen, he might have met someone, blah blah, it was just too early.

And that blows. Because out of the 3 times we hung out alone I cannot remember a single dull moment. We had fun. We laughed. We stared into each other's eyes. We made jokes and sexual innuendos and really started to get to know each other.

I don't know what happened. Perhaps he saw a little bit of my psycho side and didn't like it. The offerings of food and me saying hell no! At the coffee shop when I told him I'd rather spend money on coffee than food. Me texting him 3 times in one day without a real response. IS THAT ANY REASON TO STOP THIS, J.?

I. Think. Not!

I can do nothing but speculate! I hate this! I have done nothing in two days besides eat and sleep and smoke. I have fallen into some sort of depression OVER THIS DUDE wtf??

Help, please. If you've even read this far! I am so boy crazy, I'm sorry, I can't help it. I need their attention and I usually want it! I liked J.! This just isn't fair what the fuck is going on??????

It's good that I can get this out here, I suppose. Better than flipping out a human.


Last night I had a dream that I was a ballerina, in a modeling studio, trying to do a dance move with my feet and not being able to. I interpret this as the acknowledgement of the fact that I am "disabled". My ankle still hurts and I've been limping all week. I also think dreaming of dancing and modeling ensures that I'm always thinking of appearances, which basically equates to eating less. I need to eat less so I can be capable. I need to eat less so I can do anything.

I am tired of binging. Yesterday was ridic. I am tired of me. I am tired of being tired. I smoke all day and don't get high. I am so out of it. I put everything into J. and now I'm left with nothing. I do have a lot to do for school in the coming weeks and months so he had a point there. Now I just need to concentrate. It's so hard to do that, though. I want pills. I want a blank mind. I want a perfect body. I crave thin.

With J. out of the way I can return to what really matters.

Right now I am sipping green tea and smoking (obviously). I will not eat one thing today, as punishment for yesterday. I am punishing myself for binging and also for fucking things up with J. I need your support more than ever. Help me correct my ways. Please, please.

Think thin*


Thursday, October 7, 2010

Black Velvet

Yesterday I ate three things: yogurt. fruit. 1 slice of bread w/ pb. Then I went to J.'s, feeling wonderfully skinny and it was amazing. We had a really great time. We met at the video place and had many laughs picking one out. I followed him to his parents (uh oh) but luckily they just went away for a week. So it was us and the dog. It's really cool how having a pet in the room breaks the ice a little. We talked and smoked and began the movie. Halfway through we stopped it and went to the liquor store. He bought some whiskey (yes) and we went back to the house to make drinks. We casually sat in the kitchen and sipped on our drinks and flirted, then we went into the basement and played fooseball. I want it clear that I used just a tiny amount of lemonade to mix with my alcoholic beverage. Hardly any calories but I was still worried. Also, what happened to me swearing off alchohol? Jeez Sar.

Anyway. We ended up back on the couch in front of the tv. He put in the other movie and we sat through the whole thing, and finallyy after about ten minutes of another freakin movie we kissed. It was soft ((I just propped my head up on my hand and gazed thoughtfully in this distance)) and sensous until we started making out for real and for awhile. Like 40 minutes of kissing. Maybe 30. Idk. Who cares? It was really nice, and it's been a long time since I kissed someone I actually like. Haha that sounds terrible because over the summer I kissed some dudes. But it was meaningless, it really was. J. is awesome and a great person to talk to. He has a really unique perspective and this adorable way of just being.

Needless to say, last night was a success. There was one awkward moment. After our long make out session I sort of pulled away and said I was leaving. He said, obviously, "Stay." I, drunk on pheromones, insisted, and clumsily walked outside with him behind me, gave him a hug goodbye, and got in my car when I probably shouldn't have. I have a real problem with doing this but let me tell you my reasons for wanting to leave.
(1) I am on birth control, and needed to take it. It was at home, if I stayed I wouldn't be able to take it for hours, and that would mess up my hormones. I need them in top shape, especially if I am getting it on in the near future.
(2) I was beat. I honestly was. It was a long day and I didn't want to feel weird by doing the whole "sleep together but don't sleep together" thing so early in this...relationship or whatever the fuck.
(2) I was hungry. It's true. I was starving and my stomach was grumbling. I didn't want him to offer me any more food (he always tries, and now that I think of it, last night he offered to send me home with some spaghetti squash) and I didn't want him to hear my stomach.

So I drove. I stopped at a all night coffee shop and ordered a sesame bagel with veggie cream cheese [400 cal]. I came home and texted him, he never responded, but he looked tired. I'm hoping he just went to bed after I left. When I got home I ate 1 slice of whole wheat bread with pb [150], 1 toaster strudel (no frosting) [165] , and 2 waffles with real maple syrup [240]. It is after noon now and I've got to go to work. I ate an apple and took some vitamins and aspirin. My freaking ankle is still killing me. But I look thin today. Must have burned a lot of calories making out with J. last night :)

This was a long post, thanks for reading. It's really therapeutic to write about this right now..
I was stressing yesterday until we actually met up. Once we were together I really wasn't nervous. I'll share just one more thing: when we were kissing on the couch he was rubbing his hand on my back. I could feel his hand running over my bones. It was a confidence-boosting feeling. Think thin*


Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Right on

Tonight is the night, everything's gonna be alright! Just shaking in my shoes over here. Partly from lack of food, mostly because me and J. are going to watch that movie tonight! At his place haha thank the good lord. I wasn't ready for him to come here, although I did clean. He is apparently dog-sitting whatever the fuck that means who cares I'm going there. Yay! What should I wear? I'm sorry, I'm treating you like a real close friend because (1) you are and (2) I need to talk/type to someone!

But oops! I was going to have dinner with my friend K. but sorryyy I don't eat dinner today so we'll have to catch up another time :) She (understandably) is ignoring my texts now but oh well K. don't you see I'm on a mission to thin

My head is splitting, I'm quite hungry. Today: apple. yogurt. 

:) :)

That be it, yo.

It's five at night! So I'll maybe have a little oatmeal or another apple or something before I go there so my stomach doesn't growl when we're sitting close. But I'd declare today a good day, intake wise. 
I had a counseling session today. *sighs*
It's draining. I never talk about my e.d. There's too much other ground to cover.

Subject change*

J. J. J.

Omg. Ohhh Emmmm Geeeee!

Nah, it's cool. I'm feeling ghetto today. I'm losing it, I am doing laundry and smoking a little right now. I want to lie down and just chill but I'll wait until I'm laying in J.'s arms. If I lay in his arms. Maybe it'll be awkward. Maybe it'll feel all wrong. Oh, I could drive myself crazy with every little worry and what-if. 

I bought a sweet tapestry for my wall. It. Looks. Sick!
Gotta love turquoise.

Gotta live this flying high feeling of thinness.

Stay strong*


Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Strawberry Fields Forever

It's 11:33 in the morning and I've ate some candy corn and a toaster strudel (with no icing). I've drank a small glass (about 3 oz.) of orange juice. We'll say I'm at 550 calories. What's with the sugar cravings? Well, I could blame shame. I was supposed to go to class at eight. I lay in bed, after I snoozed my alarm, and didn't bother to reset it again after it went off for the second time. I slept until my friend from class texted me at quarter to eight saying she wouldn't be there. I knew there was no way I was going, so I texted her back, and we both felt smug with our badassness. Except I no longer feel happy about my decision. For thing, I completely threw off my routine.

But the cable guy came and I was able to flirt with him in my pjs and get a free cable box (to replace the one the cat knocked over). I thought for sure I'd have to pay for it. I guess I was wrong. So that's a good thing, except after he left I was feeling blue because we started talking about house fires and I had maybe a handful and a half of candy corn. Damn you, Halloween and your tasty confections. I mean FATTY shyt-sweetz!  Why bother eating them if it makes me feel like shit? Why buy them if I just hate myself every time?

I am gnawing on my finger tips. The skin all around the nail. Mostly my thumbs and index fingers, but I feel like a freaking cannibal.

I saw J. yesterday. We went all of Sunday without talking and then Monday morning he texted me, asking how my ankle was. I promptly texted him back, inviting him to meet me for coffee that afternoon. He was down. We met up at two in the afternoon. It was great. We had a really interesting conversation and his body language was telling me the right things. His eyes are so, so, beautiful. I'm not sure if they're green or brown, or maybe hazel, like my eyes. They just lock onto mine. It's sensuous and very compelling.

He had to work, so we went our separate ways.

A few minutes later****

Typing about J. sent me into a tailspin. I just started cleaning and putting things away in a rush of madness. I need to smoke, calm down.

Ok. Back to where I was. J. and I had a nice time and now tomorrow we're going to "smoke and watch a movie". We've never smoked together. I'm nervous because when I smoke around "new" people I get quiet and self-conscious. And, the best part? We're doing it here. My place. I haven't had a guy here yet. I'm so, so scared. I am going to buy a tapestry specifically because this guy is coming over. I have been meaning to, but J. seeing the interior of my apartment is a big step, and I want it to look cool, with a groovy vibe, so that's reason enough :)
The wall is a little plain by the television so after my classes later I'll stop at this hippie store and buy it, come home and hang it, and of course I'll be thinking thin.

Silly, yes. Understandable, yes.

I think this dude is pretty awesome. It's not that I want to impress him, but if he's going to come check out my "crib" then I want it to look like I have it together.

Idk. I'm all over the place with this. It's just marijuana and a movie. I have all of today to primp if I think it'll make me feel better. I could paint my nails or something. I'll also clean the kitty's litter area impeccably. I've always been really paranoid about my place reeking of cat. I smoke so much in here though, I bet that covers anything funky. Ahhhhh must. chill.

I need to clean and take a shower and finish this laundry and brush the cat and attend two classes. I need to buy a tapestry today. I can do all this. I can do all of this with NO MORE FUCKING FOOD.

I'm just smoking and listening to music, no reason to get upset or anxious, really. Tomorrow will be here when it comes. I had a good time with him. If I just prepare myself today then tomorrow I can relax and maybe score a kiss from this sexy man.


Be thin*

Beautiful, skinny, women with curves. 
My dream body is rail thin with a tiny curve to my hips and breasts.
I am getting there.
It's hard but I know what to do:
1. Restrict calorie intake
2. Move around as much as possible
3. Sleep well
4. Take vitamins and drink lots of water, black coffee, and green tea
5. Never eat seconds.
6. Never admit to being hungry, people expect more when they hear that
6. Vegan diet as much as possible

Sexy 6 rules for a sick bod.

think thin*


Sunday, October 3, 2010

In a gadda da vida

Thanks for the support, lovely people. I went to the registrar's office and filled out two forms: one for English, and one for Philosophy. Everything should be fine. They were (luckily) understanding and helpful. Now all I need to do is pass my classes. It'll be fine.

Guess who got amazingly drunk on Friday night, fell down some stairs, and sprained her ankle? Yeah. Me.

That's honestly what I get for drinking massive quantities of liquor on a (beautifully) empty stomach. I was trashed after the first drink. I made it down most of the stairs that I can usually navigate just fine but tripped on the last or second from last. The whole night is a blur, but basically I landed on my ass and starting tearing up and saying, "Ow". Two random dudes tried to pull me up, one at each arm; at first I resisted because I was scared I'd be embarrassingly heavy but in a split-second they had me on my feet. I ran into N.'s arms and the rest is fucking gone. I blacked out. I stuck my fingers down my throat in the middle of everything and puked up liquid. I drove fucking wasted home. I didn't munch on anything (thank the good lord) but it's really because I was too drunk to eat.

I slept like shit and woke up in killer pain. At ten in the morning, so I could go to my Dentist appointment. Hungover, I sat in the chair, reeking of booze I'm sure, and blearily chatted with my Dentist while he poked and prodded in my mouth with instruments used for torture. I limped around all day, worried about the pain but not wanting to make a big deal of it because family was in town, and the focus was on them. Luckily my Grandma came over (she used to work for a foot doc), looked at the tennisball-sized swelling that had developed on the side of my ankle, screamed at my Mom for something to wrap it with, and wrapped it. Extremely tight. I woke up with skin abrasions.

Needless to say, I'm in pain. I was fucking stupid drunk on Friday night and this is my reward. More pain, suffering, and inconvenience. What the fuck.

I have class everyday and I work this week. I don't want to be slowed down by this annoying GIMP.

J. and I got in some weird, long texting conversation about us both wanting to hang out but it never happening because I'm too busy. Or something like that. It was cool to have him dedicate some time and thought to a message but really, I'd like a phone call dude. We're just friends, obviously, so it's not necessary. But if anything was to develop I'd like that. I'd call him. Idk. But we haven't really talked since then. I'm not texting him, he's not texting me. He said that he wants it to be mutual. Specifically, he thinks "the girl waiting for the guy to do everything is bs". I don't know what to think of what's going on and I've clearly got a million other things to worry about. For realz.

I'm sure you're wondering how I did with food this weekend at my parent's house. I'll gladly tell you. I did ok. Friday, I had 2 pudding cups, 2 slices of thin crust cheese & mushroom pizza, & an apple before I left College town. I then headed to parent's house and grabbed a black coffee for the road. That night I came in when there was a few relatives over and a couple trays of pizza. I refused pizza for the entire night and ate one cookie [150 cal]. That was the night I went out drinking.

Saturday I was really hungover and craving carbs, so throughout the day I had 1 cinnamon raisin bagel with "I can't believe it's not butter". 1 apple. 1 soft pretzel from the mall (gave some away).. Salad with a small amount of Italian dressing. 3 slices of thin crust cheese & pepper pizza. Steamed broccoli. Some Doritos (I know). Slice of cake (no ice cream).

It seems like a shit ton but for twenty-fours that's really not terrible. I felt incredibly skinny when I woke Saturday, which relieved some of the agony of my bum ankle. I felt bloated from the salt when I went to bed but today I woke up feeling okay.

Today: Black coffee. Soy latte. Cookie. Veggie burger with lettuce, tomato, onion, ketchup, mustard. On a bun. Banana.

It's after eight at night. So Friday and today were decent. I'm so beat. I took a nap when I got back and am sitting here in a fog. I missed class on Friday so I keep checking my email to see if my teacher ever got back to me (I sent her some long email) - she hasn't. Plus I have no idea if we have an assignment due tomorrow ... WHATEVER.

I am smoking a little bowl and chilling for now. I loved the looks I got when I refused the pizza and said "no ice cream with my cake". You see, in my family Eating is Everything. That's how it has always been. Our dinner table was always a battlefield of picky eaters, eating disorders (my parents binge-eat) (my brother and I under-eat), and food allergies. It's dysfunctional. Each.And.Every.Time. we eat together. I guess it's only natural that I'm so fucked up about food.

I need to be thinner.
I need to be as thin as her:

She's actually the background on my laptop. I also have a pic of me looking bony on the background of my cell phone. What can I say? I'm weak. These little reminders keep me on track. 


I'll be saying strong, and I really hope you will too.


Think thin.