well hello

well hello

Friday, February 21, 2014

The latest

It's been a week since I've posted and of course there have been changes. To start: I worked late nights last weekend to a hungry, cheap crowd. All of the servers were frustrated and dejected. There is a guy at work that I find attractive. We went out for a drinks with one of the cooks a few weeks ago. I've worked with him a few times since.

So last Friday, after a bat shit crazy shift (Valentine's day) we decided to go get wasted. It was 2AM. You know where this is going, right? We ended up back at my place "for a glass of wine". One minute we are sitting on my couch looking at videos of his kids (yes KIDS) the next we're making out.

Next thing I  know I'm waking up in my bed (alone), with a vague recollection of what happened. I blacked out. We both did. In the morning he joined me in bed and we joked and laughed. Real laughs. He had to go back to work for a double and I would be in later. I sent him off with an apple and he gave me chills down my spine with a soft neck smooch.

He actually texted me a few hours later. When I went to work, we were flirty and extra polite and maybe even blushing a bit, both of us unsure of how everything went down but with the shared knowledge that we kissed and then went to sleep. Seperately.

I haven't worked with him since then and I checked the schedule, I won't be seeing him this weekend. As you might expect, I'm slightly attached now. Trying not to be. Him and I have had a connection since he started at the restaurant, a few weeks after me. I feel like I am very real and true to self around him, even if it's me just being a drunken hot mess.

Sigh. He has two kids that live on the other side of the state. He drives out there every other weekend. He has an ex-gf. He has baggage, clearly, but who doesn't? I don't even know how he feels. There have been no mentions made of a real "hang out". Oh, and he's very flirty with everyone. He is so outgoing, but with an old fashioned charm. He unlocked and opened the car door for me which REALLY impresses me because it happens so rarely. He also paid for my drinks.

So, we'll see. You guys know me, Ms. Boy Crazy. At least I'm over M. He's texted me a time or two and I've just ignored it. In other news, I was quite sick all week. Finally feeling better. I'm working tonight, all weekend actually. Just took some dayquil and a vitamin for the hell of it.

My mood is somewhat stable today. A little anxiety last night. I've made a few important calls and resolved a few nagging issues so patting myself on the back for taking care of business. I've been eating alright, whenever I get sick I get super paranoid so I am sure to eat vegetables, fruit, whole grains, and tea. I also swear by Oregano Spirits. Oh, and I've been smoking consistently. No cigs though (win).

Have a great weekend!

I'm going to hop in the shower and take my time getting ready for work. When I'm made up with my hair done I feel way more confident. Thinking big money, too. Send money luck my way I'm working for those tip$ guys! :)


Friday, February 14, 2014


I've had stomach issues lately. Last night, I woke up and puked. I tried to stop it. I didn't want to throw up. But it had to come out. It was so weird throwing up because I am sick (?) and not because I'm making myself purge. The difference between the two is real and my struggle to control it bothered me.

I still feel nauseous. I called in sick to work today but I absolutely have to work tonight at my other job. I'll be there in two hours, rain or shine. I need to shower and try to feel better. I haven't ate. I feel dizzy. To top it off my period started today. Guess we'll just see how it goes.

[TMI alert]
It's sad how much I love looking at my stomach after a hearty puke and like 15 hours without food. It came out so violently and painfully last night that it even went in my nose. So I smell it today but I feel thin. A sick and twisted trade off.

I gotta go, you guys. Happy V day, if you celebrate. I am (obviously) not. Sick, working, no valentine...but it's alright. It really is.


Saturday, February 8, 2014

The mind of a sociopath

What's that saying, it take 21 days to form a routine, or something similar. I've been singing the same self-destructive sermon for a decade. It doesn't feel like there's hope for me.

Saturday (today): Sleep in. Struggle to physically leave my bed. My body aches. My stomach sticks out, the product of a late night numbing binge. My face itches. My hair feels gross. My thoughts instantly turn dark. I put on my glasses and gaze around my room - it's a mess. Clothes everywhere. A dusty floor. Chaos leaking out of my closet. Ghetto posters left over from college taped to my cracking walls. 

Walk into the living room and it's the same story. Messy and unorganized. It stinks. I need to clean the cat's litter but oops, forgot to buy cat litter when I was at the store last night (buying frozen pizza). Walk into my tiny kitchen and put the coffee on. Wash dishes. Leave on the counter to dry. Check facebook and feel depressed all over again. Pour cup of coffee. Repeat. Now I'm here.

I have reached a new level of depression. This wave has brought me down below the ocean floor. This entire week was AWFUL. My mood was TERRIBLE. I binged EVERY DAY. I spent money on fast food nearly every day. I got a parking ticket. My hair looks like shit (I cut it). My attitude has just been straight up poor and I've done NOTHING to help myself.

On top of everything, I was "called off" work at the restaurant TWICE this week. I just paid rent. I am BROKE and PISSED about it.

Looking back to Monday...my good friend came over. We had a nice talk. Her life is going great. Full time job, new boyfriend she met online who adores her. She's pretty, with money. And...she told me that I lost weight. I denied it immediately. There's no way, right? But apparently my stupid subconscious was like SCORE now you can EAT!. And eat, I did.

And now I sit here, with the understanding that I spent at least $40 on binge food this week, with the stomach of a fat person, with the mind of a sociopath, and I just...hate myself. So inexplicably much.

I'm supposed to go home today. To do laundry and file my taxes. Haven't seen my parents in about a month. It's already 1PM and I haven't showered. Must. Get. Moving.

Oh, and last time I wrote about M. I was fine, dealing with it alright...until he pulled the disappearing act again. I emailed him, kept it cool and casual and he wrote me back right away. Basically saying that he was sexually attracted to me but didn't appreciate my attitude (remember I told you I was swearing at him via text before he came over?). He said, "it's not a good idea for me to be around people who lose their cool so much."

Ah, hell, he's right. I do lose it. I lose my mind. I am unable to stop myself. I am so lost.

How do I turn it around, you guys? How can I help myself??