well hello

well hello

Friday, April 29, 2011

A chance

Ok, let's try this again: I GOT A JOB! And I start tomorrow at eight in the freakin' morning. Go me.

In other news, I"m skinny but bloated because it's that time of month. Intake has been decent. Sometimes, like last night, I look down and can't believe how thin I feel. I view my thinness through detached eyes. I am the thinnest of all my friends, and yet it's not enough for me. Why can't I be thinner than everyone in the world? Ok, that's a silly thought. I don't want to look like a starving Ethiopian. I just want to be perfectly thin and lovely. Is that too much to ask for? If only food wasn't necessary to survive...

So far today I've had one cup of coffee, and about two sips of this nasty strawberry smoothie my brother made. Luckily he told me that it was made with whole milk. Upon hearing that, I poured it down the drain. No one saw me do it. I'm sorry but I don't do full fat dairy if I can help it. It's fucking disgusting to me. Almond milk all the way, baby!

I've been taking walks and trying to move around a lot. This new job will require me to stay active and on my feet; I'll burn calories and I'll even be outside a little bit, which will make me tan, which will make me look thinner. WIN!

How are you guys doing? I love how were all in this together. This thing called life. The starvation diets, the fasts, the restriction, the weighing, the mirror-checks, the obsessive thoughts...ahhh :) It's all good as long as were not alone.

Well, just wanted to tell you the good news! I have to finish getting ready and drive over there so they can copy my driver's license and social security card for tax purposes. Then I'm going to return a purse and do a little shopping, to celebrate! Then hopefully some happy hour drinks with my friends! I won't be staying out late tonight! I'm excited, you guys, I really am. I NEED this to work out. Pray for me. Or, cross your bony fingers.

THINK THIN!!!!!!****

<3 Sar

Monday, April 25, 2011

Peter Cottontail

I survived Easter. My family treats any holiday as a chance to binge on various fattening foods. I gazed around the table after we ate; I viewed their bloated discomfort, full but overly-satisfied grimaces, how they'd lean back in the chair to put as much space between tummy and pant waistband as possible... Gross. Thankfully no one unbuttoned their pants.

Here's what I ate: mashed potatoes, corn, asparagus, coleslaw, a roll (with butter!), some black olives, this pineapple cottage cheese salad and a spoonful of applesauce. Water to drink. Dessert was a slice of vanilla frosted "bunny cake"... AKA gross fat buttery shortening, white flour, sugar, empty calorie deliciousness. My dinner portions were small-ish. I could have done worse.

I had a cup of black coffee and felt my digestive system speed the fuck up. Hey, every little bit helps.

After our dysfunctional dinner, I left to go get high with my bff. It was relaxing.

I just got home and ate chocolate. I'm freaking out, but I did my sideways mirror check thing and feel almost satisfied. My ribs waved to me, my hip bones stood at attention. I'm still hungry...


I really overdid it today, but tomorrow will be a fresh start. I'm already planning to take a walk down to the library to return some books and magazines I checked out the other week. A walk at a brisk pace will be refreshing and aerobic. Can't wait.

Ugh. So much has been going on and I've been a bad blogger. It's funny because I'm so quick to tell people that I'm a writer.

God, what a fraud I am.

Think thin.


Saturday, April 16, 2011

Sticks and stones may break my bones

I think I'm a masochist. I know I am.

Why else would I deny myself pleasure?

Last night I hooked up with a supersexy guy that I've known for a few weeks. He wanted to go all the way; I was so turned on, I was trembling in his strong arms. But I wouldn't, couldn't, shouldn't. I throw excuses like baseballs. So no sex for Sar. Just hot flashbacks and the knowledge that we will probably pick up where we left off SOON. I hope.


Friday, April 15, 2011

I'm in a Lull + Pics of me

My clothes are getting baggy. I actually dry my jeans, before I'd be too worried about drying/shrinking them. I've been doubling up, wearing tank tops under shirts and knee socks under jeans or 2 thick hoodies, because I'm cold. All. The. Time.

Today: 2 cups of coffee, black [0]. 2 slices of whole wheat toast with "I can't believe it's not butter" [190]. I've emptied my insides out into the porcelain fountain (no, not purging; the other). I feel empty.

I am so anxious. I am so out of it. I am pacing around, lifting my shirt, staring at my stomach, staring at my hip bones. Ohgod, my hip bones. I do love them, I always touch them.

Thanks for asking about my job. Here's a truth: I quit after two days. My boss was a sexist pig; he is 80 years old and the generational gap screamed vulgarities. He thought he could continually point out (in front of others) how young, pretty, and cute I am. It made me sick. Not because I don't believe him, but because that is just fucking rude. I thought I was hired for my intelligence, but it turns out, he wanted me there for my looks alone, because he thought I'd be able to "represent" the company. Fuck that. So I quit.

I know. It's ridiculous. And it fucking sucks. So needless to say, I am once again, unemployed. I went on a interview yesterday at a local grocery center. It went well but I haven't heard anything.

Luckily, my parents are understanding and haven't kicked me out on my pathetic ass yet.
Luckily, I have enough self-knowledge and self-respect to know when I need to stand up for myself. I do not regret quitting, I just wish so much it would have worked out. It didn't. So that's that.

I have not heard another word from T. Last Saturday was obviously just a fluke, a drunken dial. Silly me got my hopes up. It's been an emotionally draining week. I am ready to just see my friends and get drunk so I can put this all behind me.

I hope everyone is doing well. Here's two pics of me from today. Please click on them for a better view.

Sorry for the poor quality, I took them on a whim as I was getting dressed.
After looking at these again, I'm realizing just how fat I really am, and how far I still have to go to look good.
I'm disgustingly huge and I need to shrink my stomach.

Think Thin*


Sunday, April 10, 2011

Butterflies instead of food in my stomach

I've been avoiding you again. So much has been happening; the idea of "forcing" myself to sit down and write just hasn't been appealing lately. It's Sunday night. My first day of full-time work starts tomorrow, bright and early. It's going to be a big change. Change is necessary and a reliable constant in all of our lives. Knowing that won't ease the fear, though.

I need to get to bed in the next hour so I can function tomorrow. Do I not sound excited about this?

I am happy and thankful for work, especially full-time. Monday through Friday. 8 in the morning to 4:30 in the afternoon. I can do this. The job is actually in my field. Imagine that, a job pertaining to my college major. In my area. And I got it, I really fucking got the job. They were impressed with me (their words, not mine).

I can't update with confidence until after tomorrow. I need to see how this is going to go. I am NERVOUS but EXCITED and I've been eating my feelings this weekend. Isn't that gross?

Needless to say, I'm feeling a little tubby. That will change as quickly as possible, obviously. I can't live like this. I need to restrict and occasionally fast. I need to TONE UP. I need to exercise more. I need to NOT EAT EVERYTHING IN SIGHT. Today's intake was normal, but I still feel so...disgusting. I suppose a lot of it has to do with my state of mind.

I have to tell you something. If you're a long time reader this initial will seem familiar: T.

T. texted me last night. He is in College Town still, he graduates in a month. We haven't seen each other or talked in ages. Out of the blue I get this message from him, of course my heart flipped upside down and my face flushed and I couldn't breathe or respond or articulate exactly what I was feeling to anyone, let alone myself. He has such an affect on me. My first thought? He still has my phone number.

The "reason" for his text was that he was apparently at a bar and there was a girl that looked like me, my "doppleganger". So he was compelled to reach out and we texted some simple flirty nothings back and forth for a bit. Approximately 22 messages (yes I counted) were sent all together.

I haven't heard from him today (OBVIOUSLY SAR) but I just had to mention it to you.


God, but I still love him. I'd do anything for him. He probably doesn't know, so don't tell him, k?
(Do I sound crazy?)

FUCK. fuck. FUCK.


Ok, I need to end this. I will start posting more regularly I HOPE since I will be in a routine. Wish me luck, I'm shaking in my shoes.

Think thin, pretty people.


Monday, April 4, 2011

I'm thrilled!

I GOT A JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


It's almost 5 pm and I haven't ate anything.


Think Thin!!

Xo ~ (a very happy) Sar

Friday, April 1, 2011

My signal

I am way too excited right now. It's quarter to two in the morning and I'm wired. I am smoking a bowl to try and calm down. I am listening to R. Kelly "Ignition" ha! Ok, here's why: my date went great :)

K. is awesome. He is funny. kind, chivalrous, tall, adorable, and I could probably go on and on but I won't because I refuse to put my eggs all in one basket. So to speak. So she says.

For real, I am smiling all big still and shaky. We just had a perfect date. We started off by meeting at Starbucks for a hot bevarage. I chose green tea and he got coffee (black) (an ana boy? perhaps, he's thin). We had great conversation. I somehow mentioned that I was thinking of going to visit a friend at the Hard Rock Cafe. He wanted to come with. Lol. And that's what happened. We sat and talked a bit longer, I said, "you ready to get out of here?" and he said, "yes.". We walked to my car. He opened my door and held it open. He closed it shut once I was in. (Swooning). He walked to his truck and got in. We drove about 25 minutes.

At the H.R.C., we had two drinks. They were strong. (A lot of drinking on this date). We talked more. My ex B. was serving us, it wasn't awkward though. I admitted B. was my ex to K. after K. told me that he just got out of a 5 year relationship two months ago. Cue silent Sar.

But it was fine. He seemed fine. We talked about it briefly and then moved on. On the first date? you're probably thinking... Yes. Well, yes.

Hang on, I need to schmoke. Ok, back. Feeling a little more mellow.

Anyway. After the bar we went outside and walked by the water. It was beautiful for lack of a better word. We walk perfectly next to one another.

Get this: I wore heeled clogs. I never wear heels, usually because the guy is my height or a little shorter or taller. But tonight next to K. I was small.

Just what I've always wanted.


Life. Is. So. Weird.


I have been doing very well with my food intake. I do not need to worry anymore about eating a million calories in one sitting, of this, I'm positive. The need to binge is gone because the need for thin is stronger and louder. I'm thinkin' thin daily. Are you??

Thanks for your comments on my last post... I seriously love each and every one of you. And I'm not just saying it because I'm happy. I'm saying it because it's true. It's really fucking true.


Xo Sar

Oh yeah. P.S. I mean. I have a job interview tomorrow at some company in [insert local big city here]. It is not the one I mentioned last time (Michael Kors). We'll see if I get one of these. Jeez louise. Xo