well hello

well hello

Thursday, December 31, 2009

Sadness on the Eve.








My life is void. My life is no more. I have thought more suicidal thoughts in the past weeks than ever before. It is not that I want to feel pain it is just that I deserve only pain. I am a bad person. No, it's more complicated than that. I am unspeakably depressed and have no yearn for life, no need to make myself livelier, no need to do laundry, or dishes, or the simple things. My life and I are falling apart.

Today is New Years Eve. Last night of the year. Am I seeing T.? No. No I am not. God. What the fuck are you doing to me.

I need to get the hell out of here, I need something. I am about to smoke and go wander aimlessly around town or maybe a clothing store. I have plans for tonight, but Mia is calling me. "Sar, stay in. Drink booze and eat ice cream. Wallow in self-pity until it turns into self-loathing and the hate overcomes sanity and you puke your guts out as the clock strikes twelve". She is tempting me. I am weak. I am pathetic. I am not good enough. I am not worth it. I am not worth T.'s time. He didn't say that, but actions speak louder than words. He "likes me" but has "so much going on". And he does, really. Teaching stuff, jury duty, family shyt, broken car...etc. BUT STILL.

We (T. & I) have been bickering nonstop. We can't seem to stay on the same page. I am crazy about him and it's making me crazy. I have now hung out with T.'s friend 3 times. We just smoked, but this guy is cute, older, has it (seemingly) together...and we make more sense astrologically. But I am doing it to make T. jealous. And I know how immature that sounds. But it may be working. Idk. I am the jealous one. I am jealous of the unknown. I am constantly envisioning T.'s charismatic self, flirting with nameless, faceless girls. I make myself sick.

Eating has been terrible lately. Late night binges like WHOA. I have been keeping track of course, with Lose it, but I have stopped losing weight. So maybe I am maintaining, but maybe I am not. I don't have a trustworthy scale to find out.

I just lit some incense and packed a bowl. I still have no clue what I want to do with myself tonight. If I am honest I know that I do not want to drive an hour to the city, look for parking, call a cab, wait for a cab, show up at the bar alone and then search for my 2 friends. Acquaintances, really. We barely talk anymore. I just needed plans for the night. I am so indecisive right now. I hate the holidays. Can I just push fast-forward?

Speaking of, T. said we should "press pause" -on us, I guess. It SuCkS, have I mentioned that? I started to fall for him. But this time apart has been KILLER. I can either talk myself out of liking him - his absence makes this easier, OR, I can be Ms. Mature & Patient, wait kindly for this man to make up his mind, be charming and hope for the best outcome.
LE SIGH!

I think both options suck! But that is me! I always hate my immediate options, and always wish to control EVERYTHING. Why do I do this? When did I become such a control freak? Maybe I have been this way all my life.

Ya know what?

1.Time will pass, either way.

2.Life will continue until it stops.

3.Feelings can't be shut off like a light switch.

I can't stop thinking about him.

I need to think about ME. & What is Best for Me (& My state of Mind).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
-A few minutes later..
Wanna know something gross? I am sitting on a chair, wearing shorts & a cami & a robe open over top. I can squeeze my stomach fat. Isn't that nasty? Wtf?
That is two solid inches of fat fucking stomach fat, connected to this body of mine. It needs to be gone, NOW!!!
& yet (in my most sarcastic voice) what work will I do to make it disappear? I usually just sit around like a queen and try to make commands with my stern voice. I usually just try to rearrange my (and who am I kidding, other's lives as well) life so it fits neatly inside my head bubble/LaLa Land/deranged brain. I am just oh-so motivated to make things happen by my own accord, my own freewill.

If only I could-
What?
I don't give a fuck what I do. I live dangerously and I live the only way I know how. Sure I'm self-destructive. Isn't everyone? I am on a speeding roller coaster and not belted in and I'm about to go flying out, only to land with a crash on my dead-beat ass.

Just think thin, ok? Enough of this bullshit eating too much.
It's about to be 2010 !
I will lose 20 pounds this year, to celebrate : )

Happy New Year all.
If I stay in I'm bound to post again, so take care.
Stick Thin: Keep writing chick! Miss you & hope things are well!!

((Starve on))

xo- Sar

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Eating on Autopilot to Fill the Hole Where My Heart Should Be.












I binged uncontrollably today. Let me recap:
Woke up in T.'s arms : ) but he was leaving! : (
He dropped me off at home early, around 9 am. I was hungry & slightly hungover, bad combo. I decided to get some fast food breakfast. BIG mistake. I went to Dunkin' Donuts & ordered an egg/cheese on english muffin (320 cal) & some hashbrowns. I brought my ipod with me to calculate the calories and they were enormous! 200 for the hashbrowns...fuck. They were greasy and tasty...a dangerous mix.
So anyways, I scarfed down my breakfast and was thinking of getting more food before I was even finished eating it. I couldn't decide. I wanted a bagel so bad. But I just couldn't...I couldn't eat that white bread & cream cheese however much I desired it. I couldn't justify it in my head. Here is where I don't make any sense. I wouldn't eat a freakin' bagel, but I WOULD drive across the street to Taco Bell and order a fresco bean burrito (330)?? That's what I did, and it took forever, and I thought about just throwing it out by the time it was given to me. But NO. I was a machine. I tore off half the burrito and left a bite or two, but that barely cancels out the calories. I felt full, but not full enough. THANK THE GOOD LORD I lit up a cig & drove home, for sleep.

So T. is gone and I had the day to do whatever and of course after I woke from my nap I decided to go shopping! Oh joy. I had a gift card (for a local grocery store). Coulda used it on beer or something, but NO I decided to indulge my eating disorder and buy some food ::sigh::
I'll just break it down...veggie chips & sour cream dip, sugar free york chocolates, veggie burger with tomato & mustard, cauliflower & cheese frozen thingie, rice cakes & gummy candies.

O.M.G.

Yes I ate all of that today/tonight. I wasn't going to blog about it, but I am glad now that I did. Seeing all of that right in front of me is making me sick to my fucking stomach. I am a pig. I am bloated so much right now, my stomach literally hurts. What is wrong here? Who does such things? Where is the button in my brain that STOPS me from eating so much? or so fast? I feel like such a failure. I woke up today feeling thin, T. left. I am depressed when I am not around him. So I eat. I still have no clue what is going on this week/new years with us. My life is so fucked up right now.
I hope he calls tonight like he said he would.
I am leaning on him far too much.
I need help.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Just helped myself to some thinspo. Gorgeous bodies! I think it totally helps to look, I am about to start a thinspo notebook..I have tons of magazines..should be easy to rip out pages of thin models/celebrities. Think thin!

Monday, December 28, 2009

Fast /\ Fast



My heart is breaking slowly. The jagged pieces had been working on forming a whole, fragile or not. I was hesitant anyway. My issue? T. Found out some bad news last night, concerning him moving back home to work. 2 + hours away. Ok, not terrible but I am not interested in a long distance relationship. He "doesn't know" what he's going to do. I have been asking him about new years, whether he would be here (in our college town where we both have apartments) or home (with his mom/stepdad @ a family party)...and again, he "doesn't know" what to do, where he'll be, if we will be together or not.

Am I bad person for wanting to know a few days ahead of time what plans for new years eve are??? I mean seriously, it is the biggest party night of the year, and it is amazing to be around someone you are seeing!! Kiss at midnight, anyone?

So now, due to his indecisiveness, it looks like I am going to the next city over to meet friends and drink at bars there. Without T. Unless he manages to make the RIGHT decision, which is to see ME, than I am giving up on him.

It's true. I deserve more than this. If a guy likes me and I sleep with him, share secrets, spend time, etc than I want my feelings either reciprocated or disregarded. I refuse to be strung along. He is either in it to win it or out. It fucking sucks. I mean, is this harsh? If we don't see each other on new years, and he moves back home to work for the rest of winter break, than I feel like I should give up on him. I want a guy to make strides for me. I want a guy to take a risk with me, and help me take one too.

God. This fucking blows. Just typing it out, I mean I can hear it in my head, but seeing these words and knowing that he is probably going to choose his hometown and family party over me just really fucking BLOWS.

I am depressed. I cried a couple times last night. Real tears. Agony, alone, automatic weed smoking. I hate me. I hate life.

As for food, well, I suck there too. I am trying to fast today. I have only had tea. There is nothing here I want and I am HOPING AGAINST HOPE that T. actually calls me to hang out today so I can be around him and not eat a thing.

The plan? Finish the rest of this bowl. Go down for a cig and take the garbage out. Shower. .... and then hopefully I am with T.
If we don't do anything or get together for the first time in a week than I am buying ice cream.

So yeah. Fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life.

On a positive note, my scale seems to be stuck at 132. I highly doubt it's right though. I weighed myself today for the first time since before christmas and 132 was what I got. I don't know what I was expecting, but not that, which is why I am convinced this scale is broke! Help! Where can I weigh myself to get an accurate answer??? Am I going crazy? It is not a digital scale though, just a regular one, so I am sure these things are bound to break.

I have nothing really I feel like delving into. Ta ta for now.

Think thin.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

3 AM

Christmas Day = Utter Fail.

Enough said.

Time to fast.

I have no clue what is going on with T. and I. We are hot and cold. I miss him. I wish I knew exactly what was going on. I am that type, I need specifics. It is frustrating because for all the thinking about him I am doing I have to play it cool...you know, attempt to NOT act completely infatuated. If he only knew. Maybe he does. I just want these nasty scenes to quit playing in my head, him & his ex gf, him with random chicks, being attracted to and flirty with them...ugh it drives me nuts...if i let it. I can normally push it aside, think of something else, but I am here. At my parent's house. I am feeling insecure and out of my element and UGLY AND FAT AS FUCK.

I am so fat I hate it. I hate the fact that this house is filled to the brim with food and drink and options for eating and cheese and bread and all of my favorite binge foods, even doritos. And I can't touch ANY of it. And it is literally giving me a headache. I want to be back in my apartment where the cupboards are bare until I fill them with what I CHOOSE.
I just can't win.
I just can't stop being this insecure mess.

I am jealous.immature.annoying.obnoxious.hateful.fat.blahblah & did I mention fat? with no personality and I am so tall I fucking hover? I took a nap after dinner; I fell asleep to inner chanting, "you're horrible, you freak, you fat ugly idiot, you're so stupid" etc. ETC. I entered a dreamless sleep and woke up and what did I do?
LOL. Of course! I ate more. Wow...
triscuits &cheese & some cut up bread & dip.
holy fuck, on top of dinner! I didn't even have dessert! I might as well have, it probably would have killed some of these KILLER CRAVINGS.

I am frustrated and (of course) stoned. Met up with Y. and we smoked a blunt. You'd think I would be peaceful. Nope, just pissed and full of rage and food.

I don't even deserve sleep. I just want to...

I was going to type "hang myself from the rafters" but incidently there are no rafters here and I would not want to hang myself, those words just leapt from my brain to my fingers to my laptop to your eyes.

Think thin.
Let's fast~ starting...now

Friday, December 25, 2009

Jolly good then? Jolly green giant actually.

It's Christmas. I am sitting here at quarter to nine in the morning, high, doing leg lifts under my desk, and chugging water. I absolutely, positively must fast until Christmas dinner. It really sucks that I am expected to partake in this meal. I have to eat, not just in front of mom & dad, but the extended family as well. I am dreading it. I truly am. Because I clearly cannot control myself. I want to. I just seem to have difficulty convincing myself that food is bad when it is heaped on a plate in front of my eyes, looking all pleasing. It should also be noted that T. is away this week. I have been binging every night since I know he will not be seeing/touching my body\fat. Stupid, because I will be seeing him before I know it, and I will be wishing that I restricted like crazy in this time. But I totally restricted all last week. It's a toss up. This weekly binge/restrict cycle is getting old. I need a new plan.

Here it is. T. will be back either Saturday or Sunday, which is when (if all goes according to plan and he doesn't change his mind & stay home) I will see him next. [I can't wait] Ahem. Ok. So today is Friday. Shit. Not much time.. unless I make an active attempt to eat nothing. gawdammit whywhywhy is this holiday based around food and dinner and dessert and bread and sweets and fuck it all- being thin means more than giving in to some stupid craving for warmth and fullness in my tummy.

Back to the plan. Today I am just going to do my best. Tomorrow though, absolutely nothing. Therefore: I will sleep in and deny food if my mom offers it and get on the road back to my place fast.

The minutes are ticking by. Why on earth am I not more excited to get home and open gifts? Well, it's all just material objects. Plus the sizes, oh the sizes. Medium tops and big bottoms. Ugh. WhatEVER.

I got myself here. It's up to me to find a way out. I need to lose. Now. Every minute of every day needs to be dedicated to staying in this mindset.

Have a great day, all. I will be thinking of you and trying to stay strong. It has been tough lately but I have to keep trying! Peace~

& remember to

  • think thin
  • stay strong
  • keep in mind that nothing tastes as good as thin feels

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Tis.

How does it feel?
Like a rolling stone.

{B. Dylan}

I got my grades. Out of the 5 classes I initially took on, I only had two actual grades: C and C-. Then an assortment of letters. WC for withdrawal from one, F in the one I stopped going to. I, as in Incomplete, for another.

So I never wrote that paper, that is why I have the I. I have until February 1st to write it, and I need to do a great job! I am now on academic probation :(
Fuck college!!

I can't believe the wasted money.

Anyways,
I am high. I went to Walmart to pick up some last minute gifts, and I bought cream cheese frosted cinnamon rolls. They're huge! And silly me, I just ate two. Gross. but good. but HORRIBLE. but I haven't ate anything else. but NASTY WTF!?!?

Ok. It's Christmas Eve and I am not going to beat myself up over this. I work for 5 hours this evening and while there I will sip nothing but water and eat absolutely nothing on my break all because of this foul binge. And that's fine. No food. Nada. Zilch. I need to MAINTAIN (thanks Flushed)!!!!

One hour until work, and I think I'll head down to the liquor store and buy my bro a mini bottle..haha what a sister I am. Just a mini one though.
Ah, my back hurts. I have been sleeping like shit. I have been eating like shit. I need to shape the fuck up.

Staying away from negative thoughts - staying away from negative thoughts

be happy. be free. be thin. be a love.

Merry Christmas to those who celebrate it.
I will be going back home tomorrow morning. Oh, tomorrow is going to be tricky. My plan? Salad. Lots of freakin' salad and a tablespoon of certain side dishes. And wine.

I just wanna keep losing. Supposedly I weigh 132. I don't believe my scale though! It has got to be broken. I do not feel like I lost two pounds but perhaps this lose it app on t-touch really works. Or maybe it is just the practice of recording everything that goes into your mouth. Haha I could make a dirty joke here but I won't. Either way, I am ready to drop ten pounds during January. I want it to be noticeable.

Later peeps!
Stay strong tomorrow!!
<3

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Poof & disappear.

It's all so complex now.
I am at my parent's house and just binged on: (2)pieces of toast with I can't believe it's not butter spread. 2 nature valley crunchy granola bars (1 package). a couple pieces of chocolate. Earlier? doritos. Whatta pig. Kill me. Please.
I can't do anything right. I am at battle with the queen bee, that bitch, fuck you mia.

I am so fucking fat and not fit and a failure and a freak and fuck you Sar die die die.

T. is out of reach, I feel.
I am having weird pains throughout my body.
I am a bad influence on everyone around me.
I can't control anything, let alone myself.
I can't even be around food without wanting it when I feel like this.

((Like.This.))

hatehatehatehatehatehatefatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfat

I went shopping with my mom today, for clothes. OH GOD. Size 9 fucking skinny jeans KILL ME NOW. They fit comfortably. 7 was tight and I was feeling full and not prepared to buy them. I fucking should have. Talk about a reason to lose. B/c obvious my current reasons AREN'T FUCKING WORKING!!!!!!

It is 2:10 am. I am leaving my parent's house to go smoke pot with a friend. I need a cigarette so bad. Can't wait to light one up.

Peace, everyone. Hope you're doing better than me.

Think thin.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Touch the light to the tip of the pipe.

The shortest day of the year and I'm planning to write a paper? I was going to turn it in today but that is not possible. I am a fuck up, a failure. I am wavering on skipping it completely. But I can't CAN'T caN't fail this class. I seriously put effort into this class, but maybe not enough? I don't feel qualified to write this paper. These overbearing thoughts of abandon, grief, sadness, insanity are weighing me down, like Virginia Woolf who put rocks in her pockets and walked into the water. Never coming up for air. Am I living this life? The life of a true depressed person who struggles with every activity, who never lives fully enough to be truly happy, a druggie, a cigarette smoker who poisons others with her habits? Disgust.

Where did Sarah go?

I don't remember myself. I don't know what it is like to be normal. I don't feel normal. I feel anxiety-ridden; heart pounding in my painful, empty chest. Eyes burning and red, glaring a hole through your head with laser beam eyes. Hollow, yet focused. Green and brown and gray and yellow.

Today I met up with T. He was leaving to go home. We said our goodbyes. I am sad.

We slept together Fri. & Sat. night. We are "committed to one another". I miss him terribly; it's only been 2 hours since I've seen him; my heart aches for his presence; my body longs for his touch, for his body to be pressed against mine.

God just writing that hurts. What is this? When did this happen? Where did this need for T. come from? I have no idea if he feels like I do. I mean, yes to a certain extent, he enjoys my company. Whatever that means. Idk. Be still.

I am high again. I smoke a lot. I hope the new year brings me the strength to cut back. I need to, otherwise I am looking at getting booted out of school for failing everything.

Ohgodohgodohgodithurtsithurtsihurt.

Give me liberty or give me death!

Anyone listen to Andrew Bird? Sooo goood.

I walk slowly when I walk away from T.

Today was/is weird.
So was last night.
I am running out of energy to type.
My restless, distracted mind
stops running
changes direction
goes the other way
dragging me with it
whoever that is.

xo, think thin today,

~Sar~

December blues.

My life is falling apart around me. I just stand here and take it. My cat doesn't even listen to me. I never wrote that last paper for Metaphysics. It's 1:30 am. I hate the decisions I make. I ordered food, a vegetable calzone. I ate most of it. I also had two clementines. And 2 low cal granola bars. <~~ all I ate today. So I guess it's not too bad. Luckily I have been restricting hardcore the past few days. I still fuel my fire with the thought of my binge. I need to chug some water to flush out all of the grease. What I need to do is write this paper. I am so confused, it is like I have a mental block; there is this indescribable inner struggle, me vs. lazy me. I keep thinking about it. I know it should be done. I know that I worked hard (as hard as I work for school) in this class, and I don't want to fail. I don't. What is my problem then??
Why can't I make myself do this. I do everything but. What the fuck. Crazy as this sounds it's like I am afraid of being tired. I think, oh I will be up late and spending so much energy...wahhh....

Whatta riot this all is. My life becomes increasingly comical, if only I saw it as a positive thing, if only I had the courage to change.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Am I psychotic?

My eyes my eyes.

I have nothing to say but I feel like I should write. I took a pen and drew a circle around my wrist, like an ana bracelet. Except blue and very thin. It is fading but after I shower I will redraw it. It is a focus, a way of forgetting about stupid food.
So far I have had 673 calories today.

That means nothing to me. Calories are not the problem. I judge myself by how I look. I look fat still. Last night T. stayed over, we did it then went to sleep. Naked. I couldn't stop feeling for bones. My hip bones felt great! I ran my hands all over his body, feeling for his bones too. He is thin, I would say. Really sexy and thinspirational for sure. Yeah so we got freaky. I am usually extremely self-conscious while nude but with T. all I can focus on is making him feel good...and I forget I even have a body. No, that's not true...I think about how he is pleasuring me. And may I just say he is quite amazing in bed!

I freaked out a little last night, it was bad. Before all that ^ .. something happened: I grew noticably quieter and stiffer, I wouldn't look at T. I just felt extremely paranoid about the situation, which was us and his friends drinking and smoking. This dude J. mentioned to T. something like, "blah that chick, the redhead?" with a goofy ass smile. And I grew irrepairably jealous. I did not even mention it to him. I just made up some lame shit (when he asked me what was up) about being lonely on Christmas and how I wished we could be together on New Years. Ding ding is the bell I ring for I am a stupid girl.

After consuming large quantities of liquor I started getting all teary on our walk out of the bar b/c earlier I had asked him if he wanted to stay together and he was all for it. But once my little "episode" started I began to have second thoughts.
So anyways we are walking and he kept asking whether or not I wanted him to come home with me or not, and I kept not answering, or saying I wasn't sure. He basically just walked me to my apartment, up the stairs, into the door, onto the couch; I lost it. I have shattered my pride, I have admitted too many faults to him. No, I mentioned nothing about this obsession with food and losing. I just kinda changed the subject to me doing terrible in school, I'm a failure, blah blah. Looking back I am now wondering if I was putting on a show.

I am fucking manipulative.

Getting back to last night, this is kinda hot, but we went from laying on the couch (he was holding me) and talking/me freaking out to us going upstairs, getting naked super fast, and having passionate sex. It was hot, I'm really not holding back, sorry if this is too much information...but you know you like it : )

Wow, guess I needed to get that out. Needless to say, I didn't get much sleep then had to get up and drive T. home and go to work. I am beat. I have an entire paper to write tomorrow that I am turning in late, monday. Slacker...gawd. Yet tonight I plan to be with T. again.

Tell me, am I obsessed?

I am unfocused and uncomfortable, high and tired, excited and sick.

I am done with this eating shizz. Fuck food. I would rather be skinny and have electrifying bedroom behavior than eat and be pudgy and shy.

Oh, the self-loathing. It comes and it comes. Just now I typed "bitch" than backspaced. I was calling myself a bitch because my self is no angel and certainly not smart.

Gotta shower. I need to relax.

Think thin. Always.

xo

Thursday, December 17, 2009

My eyes burn.

Sitting here, screwed. I should be studying for my cumulative biology final taking place in t-minus 7 hours. But am I? No. Could I concentrate if I even wanted to? No.
All I can think of is pro-ana and T.
All I can do is get up, walk to the fridge, contemplate eating something. Stare at the bottle of wine, consider pouring a glass, decide against it. A fuzzy head will NOT help me at 8:30 in the morning when I am taking this final.

It doesn't even end any time soon. I have to write an entire paper tomorrow. And study for yet another final, on Friday. And people around here are already done, already celebrating the end of the semester. Me? Pshh... I am stressing and procrastinating and wishing and wanting and fighting it all. I hate college.

My grades are going to SUCK! Sorry, this is no "poor-me" exaggeration. This is reality. I have slacked off all semester. I dropped one class. I just stopped attending another. That leaves me 3. And I can probably guess my grades...C, C, C (plus an F). With minuses, most likely. Maybe a D in Biology because I will certainly do terrible on this final...I don't know any of this shit. Maybe skipping class twice a week, every week, all semester was...idk, stupid?? Fuck it.

I wish I cared more. I wish I did more. I wish I was someone else.

I wish I didn't BINGE THE FUCK OUT the other night. Ready?
1.Carrot cake, mixed with pudding, cream cheese frosting, and whipped cream. WTF. I got it at a grocery store. ((Just $2.99 and your hips will spread like butter on hot bread)).
2.Chips, and
3.Cheese curls.

Nasty junk food. Luckily I threw away some of the chips, frosting, etc...in a sad fucking attempt to decrease the massive amount of calories. And I didn't want to, but I DID count every agonizing calorie that day and documented it all in my Lose it! app. Just to make myself FEEL like a failure. I was embarrassed in front of myself.

Today? Eh, could have been better, could have been a lot worse. Right now the only thing I am getting sick over is school. Finals week may be the death of me.

I have started smoking cigs again : (
I love them, I can't help it. Plus T. smokes a lot. Speaking of, him and I are doing okay. He has been crazy busy this week and this not seeing each other much thing is eating away at my heart. I went to work to visit him tonight, and we kissed and held each other close, and it was great! But then it was done, and I left, and came home to a cold apartment, without him. I would give ANYTHING for him to fall head over heels in love with me.

That's the truth. Because I can see myself loving him.

Mark my words...either this will end or it never will. I don't want it to stop. I want him so bad it's driving me fucking mad.

I need to do something here, study or go to sleep, or something. Tomorrow is going to suck, I already know. I just want to see T. !!!!!!!! I just want to hold him all night long and have him hold me forever.

This dependence is what scares me. I need to be happy with myself before I could even dream of making someone else happy. In order to do this, I will lose some more weight. Yeah!!

Think thin, lovelies. I really enjoy reading your blogs!

Monday, December 14, 2009

Frustration at Four.

ugh T. won't give me the commitment I so desperately want! Gawddddd.
I asked him to take down "single" from facebook...is that too damn much to ask? I am not looking for it to say "in a relationship"...I just want people to back the fuck off.

I am high on adderall and 1 and 1/2 pages into a 6 page paper, due in 8 hours. It is 4 in the morning. FUCK.

I am hyped up and shaking and just want to CONTROL THE FREAKING WORLD!

fuckfuckfuck

on a good note I am feeling thin.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Sorry. Just. Idk. Just feeling it. I really like this guy but I have a feeling I am being too pushy. But I don't want to stop!! I want it to be the way I want it to be. Why doesn't he understand??

Maybe he is already....no. I won't say he is done. He is not. But if I continue acting like a control freak maybe he will be.

I saw R. tonight and stupidly texted him. I am a wreck. What the fuck am I even doing right now? I have been taking a break from this paper for over an hour. I need to GET WITH THE PROGRAM.

Help?


oh yeah, THINK THIN!!!!!!!!

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Sexy-time.

I am awake, T. is upstairs in my loft, sleeping. Ah, pure contentment. I woke before he did, because I still have my freakin' period and I was worried while I was sleeping that I was, well...leaking. So I got up and he is snoring and this is a perfect time to express myself.
My God I am crazy about this guy.
I had this ridiculous dream though, that is partly what woke me. It was in three parts (my dream): the first was T. and I, traveling. Things seemed "normal" but then we stopped to meet up with some of his family and things turned strange. He ended up telling me that he was still talking to his ex and basically I was out of the picture. The dream literally ends with me about to fuck Amy Winehouse. It was hardcore.
What the fuck? What a dream. I mean parts of it simply coincide with what is really going on. He asked me to come meet his mom, which we are not doing yet, we are waiting until after finals. We fell asleep naked (so that explains the me and Amy getting naked and freaky thing). Idk. I am weird. Not a lesbian, more like "unlabeled" .. but I haven't dreamt of a woman in that way in quite awhile. I guess last night's amazing sex with T. propelled that.

Oh man!

I am freezing.
Yesterday's intake: 1 oatmeal packet. 1/2 Subway veggie patty sub with a little too much sweet onion sauce (evil Subway worker). 1 mini bag of sun chips. 1 mandarin orange cup. tons of (fat free) cappuccino at work. 1 cookie. wine. a shot. a BEER!!! (wtf i hate that fattening shit).

I went to bed hungry, daydreaming of breakfast food. I am now up, sipping water. No food today. Fuck it.

I want to be skiiinnnnyyyy!!!

I want to never have the fear that T. is leaving me for a skinnier, prettier chick. I am that chick. I seriously wanna marry this dude. and no he does not know it! I refuse to let him feel that much in charge of my emotions.

Speaking of. It is not too often there is a gorgeous guy in my bed. I am going back : )

Think thin, lovelies.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Ice-cubes.

I am so unbelievably cold. My heat stopped working in my apartment. Keep in mind that I am in the Northeast and we are experiencing a blizzard!! Shit. I texted the landlord, called him once, my Dad called him....and nothing. He is apparently warm and comfy in his house and couldn't care less about his cold tenants. Pshh.

Hung with T. last night ::sigh::
He is dreamy. He makes me feel good. Self-conscious, shy..but good. I think we have a chance. I have tried screwing stuff up a little, and it worked. We didn't see each other for a few days. But we talked and reconnected. I emailed him. He sent me long texts (lol). I am not hungry around him, which is great. He is ALWAYS eating or talking about food. Wtf? Is this all guys? He is skinny though; he kinda has a girl's body. I mean that in the nicest way possible, I mean he obviously has a dicK..lol sorry, just smoking and typing again. The silliest things come out. I am very attracted to him, his brain and body. He is incredibly smart and funny.

He is motivation to lose weight.
The perfect reason to drop pounds.
He likes to touch my bones,
I noticed. He touches me gently.
I wish to be thinner,
a butterfly pinned down
by T.'s arms.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have a test in 55 minutes. I am sitting here getting high and writing quasi-poetry about T. and thin. I am a slacker right now. I could be studying! I could be getting dressed! (I am in pjs with a blanket wrapped around me)...GET UP SAR!!!!

Love to everyone *

Think Thin!! Stay StrOng!!!!




Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Untitled.





Monday, December 7, 2009

It's a fight.

Welcome to my new layout! I decided to get with the times and make this thing prettier to look at. Isn't that what I am doing to myself?

It is early in the morning, 9, ok not so early, but early for me. I am up, smoking, and preparing for class at 10. Then this hellish last week of classes begins. I have 2 large papers to write and two finals this week. Next week I have two more finals...wtf? Harsh. I can do it I can do it I can do it I can do it I can do it.

I hope. As for blogging, I have no idea how much I will be able to squeeze in. I am going to try and do it more, it seems to be kind of exciting to me. This idea of writing non-fiction and flinging it into the depths of the internet is a rush. I might always do it.

I need to focus on me today. I need to live fully in the very second of my timely existence. I need to improve my mindset!!!!

I want to be "happy"...by that I mean not sad. To get there is a challenge, but some people have made it. I really want to discover the stuff I am made of. The rest of this week is going to be tough. Actually it is going to be hard as fuck.
Can I do it?
I hope!
If I can than maybe I can succeed in other places, like losing weight.

Intake: gummy vitamins (they're good!).
water.

Later? Coffee.

It's time to get my gameface on. Grrr.

It's on!

I will win. I can't wait to type "I win!" about the war on school and my body. I will stick with this ipod app. until it works! and even then I will always keep it going because I wish to stay healthy. Any extra weight on my body ALSO weighs on all of my essential organs, making it harder for them to funtion with perfection and ease. I want my body to work well. I want my brain to work hard.

I'm off to class.

Think thin today. tomorrow. the next day.

How does it feel to be admired?

<3

Sunday, December 6, 2009

I blame the American Dream.

Oh it's been bad.
I have been religiously entering every calorie into my I-touch app, "Lose it". It is and it isn't helping. It has helped by making me more aware of how food adds up. I am scared to fucking death of getting to 2000/cal a day (I am allowed 1,061). It seems like every day I go over, but not by much, and there is a bright red bar that shows my naughty progress. I can't describe it, just get it! I want to lose weight, oh my god, I need to. I will keep up with this!!! If I lost two pounds a week I could be on my way to /a c t u a l l y/ achieving something.

It is hard though. Today my parents came and of course the first thing they wanted to do was get lunch. The very first thing! So we went and got chinese food, and now I am freaking out. I ate mixed vegetables (mostly broccoli & all cooked in some greasy sauce), mushrooms in "brown sauce", small amounts of lo mein & fried rice, a piece of fried eggplant, half a sugar cookie, 2 cling peach slices, 2 pieces of cut up melon, umm....that's it. And that is a shitload. I am sickened MOSTLY because i am a vegetarian!!!! Hello Sar!?!? I knew NONE of the ingredients. I am sure now that I ingested beef or chicken juice or whatever the fuck they cook it with. A salad wasn't even an OPTION there, I am fucking disgusted. I should have known better, what kills me is that I had the choice! I could have picked somewhere else to go! But I was exhausted and NOT HUNGRY IN THE SLIGHTEST when they got here, and so what happens? I let them choose.
The crack-like smells and colors wafting from the damn buffets called to me, they tugged at my shirt and whispered shyly in my ear, "eat me". So I did. To please my parents.

It wouldn't have been so bad if I didn't binge Friday night. I went to McDonalds at two in the morning for a order of french fries (small, thankfully). Omfg. So salty, and yet, not satisfying. I (like a real winner) drove to the only other fast food place in this town to still be open, Tim Hortons. I got an egg salad wrap and a boston creme donut. I ate them. They were both bland, tasteless, not worth it, etc. I didn't purge. I went to sleep. (And then woke up to a buffet)...fml.

Sorry for all the caps locks I am just incredibly frustrated with myself. I got my period a week early; I have been acting grumpy and isolating myself from everyone, including T.
I hate myself for making T think that I am nutso. I am doing it on purpose, it scares me because it is also slightly automatic. I tried to explain it to him. I didn't try hard enough though. He misunderstood. Or maybe he understood, but focused on other things. I am acting like a jealous freak. I accused him of wanting to be with his ex-girlfriend. I don't blame myself for acting so foolish, I blame my experiences.

I hurt. I finally went to the counseling center on Thursday; I broke down. I was supposed to go back the next day, in order to start an immediate chain of visits, but I called ten minutes before and rescheduled. I am putting it off, once again.

Listen to "High and Dry" by Radiohead sometime. It is a wonderful song.

I feel so bloated from the sodium of the past two days. I have been chugging water. I have peed like ten times. Sorry Tmi...

I miss blogging. This blog has changed from the very first entry to now. I started it almost two years ago and I was in a totally different place. I have changed so damn much; I am a shell of a person, a work-in-progress, a mind's eye & an inner voice.

I just want to be thinner. I am really tempted to post some pics. I am just really self-conscious.

I am high and I lost my direction. School...no words really, well failure comes to mind. Ha! I am in college and I am not smart enough to be here. There, I said it. It sucks but the truth hurts. I have no ideas in mind, no plan for the future, no escape route, nothing. I want a plan, I want a purpose. What can it be? Ideas anyone?

I have nothing else. I am lost. I am alone. I am cold and fat. I have to stop myself from wishing that I could go back to my youth. I am 23 and can't quite believe it. I remember being in elementary school...I remember it and long to relive it. I long for its simplicity. I long for an innocent, cloud-free mind.
I am falling down, I need my reflexes to kick in and save me. I hope I make it.


LOve tO yOu.

~Sar~

Stay Strong Today,
& Tomorrow Will Be Better!!!!!!!!

Think thin : )