These days

It's Tuesday and I'm meeting a friend of mine for a drink after work, in about an hour. I'm in a shitty mood though. K. is driving me crazy. My family is driving me crazy. I'm driving myself crazy. I feel like shit. Life is stupid. Fuck EVERYTHING!

Well now that I got that out of the way, what up blogger! I had two beers with my brothers last night, we also had dinner. It was good being with them. The night before I had one beer alone. This will be my third night in a row with alcohol. I don't give a fuck though. I barely drink these days. I have my qualms I suppose but the truth is that it's perfectly ok for me to be doing this. I feel the affects on my mental health but I'm ignoring it because social obligations like this don't come around often when you're all adults and everyone is working full time. But with my brother in town, there's been a lot of social interaction. As an introvert, I am grinning and bearing it. But as a human being, I relish it because I know how rare and important it is.

Well my friend just called to finalize the time and location for our happy hour excursion. I better get ready.

Free write

Hump day. I have had a lot going on and had to think for a second which day it is. Work has been busy as usual, I've had some car repairs done, had a therapy sesh, my brother is in town, my friend passed away and we are probably going to his wake. All this since we came back from our trip. I'm mentally strained and it's hard to focus. 

We saw guardians of the galaxy 3 last night and both cried. I have my period but have been thinking obsessively about having kids and asking my man about baby names. I should be ashamed of this but it's primal and very loud. 

The person I spoke with at work about my raise emailed me last night asking if we could talk today. I responded this morning, but then never heard from him. 

What the fuck?

K. thinks it's about my raise: either approving it or a lesser offer. I, being terrified as always of messing up and getting fired, fear that I did something wrong. Why is it so easy to think the worst? I told K. I can't let myself have hope that it could be good. Goddamnit though! Why am I like this! Why so fucking negative!!

Have I been let down a lot? Yes, who hasn't! Have I gone through trauma, absolutely! But I'm working on it. I'm on meds. I'm in therapy. I journal. I try to eat vegetables and sleep well. Why am I still such a mental headcase?!

It's exhausting to feel so much and suffer with endless anxiety. I am so fucking anxious all the time. Is it the weed? Is it the coffee? Sugar? Should I just cut everything I like out to feel better? Could I even do that if I tried?

More questions than answers. More deep sighs.

My neck hurts. Work is over for the day, it's already 6PM. I have no idea what to do with myself. The tempting scroll & smoke sesh beckons me always. But I'm gonna shower. Clean up the kitchen a bit. It was unseasonably chilly all day and I just want to be warm and cozy. I gotta eat dinner.

Today

Breakfast - plain greek whole milk yogurt with walnuts & honey.

Lunch - "anytime" gluten free bar by Pamela's, a mandarin orange, a handful of popcorn

Dinner - ?

Nothing sounds good. I don't feel like cooking. I don't want to order out. The price of what food costs depresses me. The inflation is out of control and I get so angry at the audacious costs these days. 

I'm in a weird mood. Hope everyone has a good rest of the week.

-S

Post vacay ruminations

Home. It was a wonderful, beautiful, restorative trip. We saw so much, including the best sunset I've ever witnessed in my life. We observed birds like egrets and sand pipers. There were lizards and a large snake. There was a moment, when I was staring at the ocean, when I was literally moved to tears by nature's miraculousness. 

Our trip wasn't perfect of course, nothing in life is perfect. We had moments of tension, ride sharing drivers cancelled on us, we both got a sunburn, there was some disappointing food, there was a night we went to bed without having sex. There is a certain pressure to have a perfect vacation, especially these days with social media. He and I are not active on social media but no one is immune to the kinds of posts we're all bombarded with. Our life is kept in the real. Our trip was what we made of it. There was no sharing online and we kept our phone use to a minimum.

I love the gulf coast of Florida. It is truly special and very different down there! Our hotel was on the water, and seeing those views day in and day out had me so very happy. I adore the water. We went to the beach each day, except for the travel days. The sand was cool and white. The water was mild and clear. We are both petrified of sting rays so we didn't venture too far out into the ocean. We ate outside for each meal. I love eating outside. We slept cuddled up, and had some hot sex. I am very comfortable around him. When we are together, my days have purpose. My time is spent intentionally. 

When I am alone, it is a different story. I laze about and languish. I put off meals, or I eat random shit. I put off visiting the store, and have to talk myself into going outside. I smoke weed and scroll endlessly. I binge watch shows. Those are the bad days. Sometimes, I journal, water my plants, play with my cat, read, take walks, clean, organize, practice guitar. Those are the good days. It's always a roll of the dice.

As for today? Well, I'm back "to work". Although it was extremely difficult to focus I got some stuff done but I also did a lot of pacing. Took some extra time in bed past my alarm. Ended early to puff and blog.

Since me and K. are now separated by distance (in our individual apartments) I feel the loss of his presence and yearn to feel him there next to me for my morning coffee, and my evening tea. Like vacay. We were together 24/7 and it was great. I don't know what the future holds as far as joining households but it's far away and neither of us has expressed a rush to get there. He is still remodeling parts of his house and despite how this paragraph started, I love my personal space and independence. It's just that... I'm starting to love being with him more.

Life is weird.

Jittery

Hello blog! It's a little past two in the afternoon and I'm feeling decent. In recent posts I made some to do lists and it feels good to share that I've gotten a lot done. I'm ready for the beach! But is my body ready? Sadly, while we timed our vacation to fall under the full moon, it also happens to be a week or so before my period. Meaning I feel bloated! Ugh!

I haven't had the nerve to try on my new bikini since the day it got delivered. This is something I will be doing shortly. I have some cute cover ups and will be bringing two bikinis. I painted my toe nails. I am excited! I just wanna look and feel good. Me and K. fell off the gym wagon, we haven't gone the last two weeks, after such a consistent stretch. But to be fair, we were both extremely stressed and grappling with his health news. He scheduled his tests. We have been bickering. He is in therapy roughly every six weeks. Compared to my every two weeks. I told him I'd like him to go more frequently. Especially now. 

Lol, we are leaving in less than 24 hours and I still need to pack. As much as I love travel and planning, I tend to ALWAYS procrastinate packing to the last minute AND overpack. It's ridiculous. But I'm the type of person who never knows how I'm going to feel upon waking. This means that I require options! I really gotta get this going. It's also a work day and (you guessed it) I'm slacking. Just took one small little hit of weed. I mean, come on. How can anyone focus 100% the day before vacay?

Work has been going ok though. I like everyone I work with and sometimes I feel really good about everything. Last Friday I FINALLY spoke with who I needed to talk to about a higher raise. It wasn't granted but it's pending and there is no final decision at this point and THAT means that there is still hope. Fingers crossed! They did give me a raise, but it was smaller than last years. Hence my attempts..

Well I just got up and worked. Now I'm back to my blog. Woke up with a sore throat but hoping it's only allergies. Took some vitamin C just in case. Not ideal but what can ya do?

I'm all over the place. I should end this post. Enjoy your day!

To commenter K. - thanks for keeping me company on blogger! Out of curiosity, are you a long term reader or did you find this blog more recently? 

XOXO

S.