well hello

well hello

Monday, July 30, 2012

Ohhh my G, I need to stop binging. Please please please stop eating so much.

Friday, July 20, 2012

I'm thinking of those in the Denver, Colorado area. My prayers to all involved with the movie theater massacre. Life is fucking short and I'm just so sorry.

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Time bomb

I'M AN IDIOT!!!!!!

J. blew me off last night. Just called him and he didn't even answer. I fucking hate men almost as much as I hate myself. My stupid fucking self.

My head feels like it's going to explode. I don't know what to do with myself. The anger is stiffening my muscles, preparing me to fight. I'm pissed.


And yet I was stupid enough to hook up with him last weekend. So. Stupid.

Never. Again.


He just called me back, I did not answer.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

My heart beats rapidly the second I open my eyes from sleep

I'm in a mood. I'm hungry. I hate love this feeling. Will I eat? Probably, a little something. Only because I just worked 8 hours, I'm getting over being sick, and my body needs some fuel. Just a bit.

I'm definitely losing weight again, my ribs are pretty defined. I enjoy looking at them. My skin is unfortunately freaking out. At first I thought it was heat rash, but now I'm thinking it's anxiety. My racing heart and inability to breathe normally and paranoid thoughts speeding through my brain are driving me crazy. It's enough to make me nauseous. I've swallowed down puke several times. I don't deserve that easy release. Plus it fucks with my teeth. And we all know how vain I am.

I don't know how long it's been since I posted, but I can assure you that much has happened. For starters, I went camping for that music festival last weekend. It was fun! And I hooked up with J. (my most recent ex-boyfriend). Lovely, right? No sex, thank the Lord, but pretty damn close. And then the next day we held hands and acted all cuddly for the fireworks.

So yeah, I'm confused. I was just FINALLY getting over him, and all the breakup drama, and now we are meeting Friday night for a drink and a talk about what happened?!

It's not that I want to get back together, as of right now I am pretty certain that I'm not ready for a relationship. I just would like to know how he feels about what happened. I would like to discuss why that shit went down, and try to make it clear that we can't just "hook up" whenevs. It does play with my heart and that sucks. We will hopefully set some boundaries and hey, I'm open to what the future brings should he desire to rekindle. Not that my hopes are up or I have any sort of expectations..

Somewhere in my mind or soul or heart or wherever subconscious thoughts lay, I feel like I love him. But that's ridiculous, right? It can't be love. I always think it's love. We're not even DATING for crying out loud. We are nothing, barely friends. And yet, last weekend there was still something there.


I'm going to pack a bowl and call it a night. Thanks for listening.
Think thin =)