Hey everyone. Reporting to you from my living room. I slept past noon. Still not working, my old position was officially eliminated. Still with D. We are going strong and last night in my dream he proposed.
Still losing weight - today I am 125lbs. I've lost nearly 20lbs this year. I started Wellbutrin in May, and it is my belief that it has maximized my metabolism and aided in weight loss, while helping my depression.
Yes, depression. Not working for almost five months has been obnoxious. I've looked! I've cleaned up my resume, applied, had three phone interviews, and a regular interview cancelled on me. It's so goddamn discouraging. I sincerely wonder if I will ever work again. I have forgotten what normal is supposed to look and feel like.
My man is still working full time, most of my friends still have jobs. Why not me? What is it about me that has such a hard time with work? I've changed jobs many times in my life. I've quit, given notice, been fired, and been laid off. I've also straight up walked out of at least three positions that I held. My work experience is varied. Not much consistency, not really one central theme or field to be found. To be fair, I'd lump my primary experiences as medical or legal. So I suppose there is something connecting it all together.
Is it my motivation that lacks? My unstable mental health that holds me back? My "doesn't mesh well with others" personality and attitude? Have I just not found my calling?
I wish writing was my calling. I wish I could do something with this blog. I have no idea how to even start. I am not sure I've got the will to put pen to paper and put a book together. I don't know what I'd write about. It's easiest and most helpful for me to write/blog/journal about my life and feelings. That's what I do here, as discretely as possible. It's therapeutic. That's my hint that I don't necessarily want to turn it into a commodity.
So if not that, then what? Maybe I just don't care too much. Maybe I'm a lazy slacker, who is content coasting along in the sea of life, bumping into rock obstacles occasionally and dealing with them with a bunch of tears and weed.
How about that weight loss, eh? My damn clothes are falling off. Ordered a size 4 US jean shorts at the start of summer and they fit like a dream with room to spare. All of my size 6 jeans, shorts, skirts, dresses, are too big to be cute. Even if I did return to work, my business clothes would be swimming on me.
The antidepressant has a weight loss side effect that I was not aware of until after it was prescribed. I recall that day: I was a disaster. Sobbing to the receptionist, having a near panic attack daily, just drowning in depression over my life, job situation, the pandemic. The doctor was a sweetheart, we had a video chat and she prescribed it. I have never spoken to a doctor about my eating disorder history so she wouldn't have known how potentially dangerous this could be.
I've tried looking online for others like me.... that is, someone with EDNOS habits suddenly dropping a large quantity of weight from a prescription, easily, with barely any hunger to be found. I do eat of course, I eat pretty much whatever I want (same as it ever was) but the hunger is just not there. The Wellbutrin is really helping my mood, but the weight loss is my obsession. I am at a point where I try not to weigh myself too frequently. Because every time there is a loss. Should I be worried that I'll stay on this medication for life to maintain this new stick thin Sar?
I have a physical scheduled in the Fall. No health insurance so I'll be paying out of pocket. We'll see if they even notice.
Have a good day, dear readers. Stay safe and healthy. Lots of love to you. If you have any spare vibes and prayers, I could use them for help finding a new job. I miss working.
Thanks,
XO
~Sar
