well hello

well hello

Sunday, April 12, 2015


More time spent with D. We were texting early and made plans for a walk, as it was beautiful today! Finally..! We got pounded this past winter and the nice weather is much deserved and highly anticipated. I did a load of laundry and took a shower before putting on a cute outfit: flowered leggings, jean shorts, a black Beatles tee, and a black bandana (with black boots). I looked and felt very thin. I drove to his place and we walked to the river. It was so nice, we talked and joked and took pics and had two beers each.

We held hands on the walk back, he made dinner while I did dishes, we watched an episode of "The X Files" while cuddling. I blew him. Then I left. 

Nothing mentioned about our relationship "status". Are we together or not? I do not know and I don't need to know bad enough where I'll bring it up (again). Last time I said something he said he loves me but "can't take me" (can't take being with me). I do not know what to think about that. His actions are contradictory. He acts very loving towards me, both in person and over text. We laugh a lot. We are affectionate.

I am confused about what we are and feeling a little vulnerable. Why do I need a label? Society and social media. The "single" on his facebook stings and bugs the crap out of me. It's on mine too. I cannot be the first to take it down, as he was the one who ended it. So I'm single, but dating my ex. That's my relationship status for now. Everything is temporary, right?

I had a really nice time with him today. We do get along quite well and enjoy similar things like being by the water and pizza. I love him and I wish we were together for real. We'll see though. Life is unpredictable and with each new day arises an opportunity for changes to occur. I want what I want and I'll either get it or I won't but I'm starting to accept that there are certain serious things that are completely out of my hands.

I'm blazing alone in my new place, incense burning. Back to work tomorrow and I'm actually going in early.

Am I being naive when it comes to D.?

He knows that I love him. I am leaving the question of us up to him. There were a lot of reasons for our break up. I lied to him and it ended our relationship. Therefore, if things ever do rekindle ideally it will be because we BOTH want it. I believe he should initiate it.

The situation is neutral, I choose how to feel about it. I feel ok. I feel love for D. and acceptance of the ways of the universe.

That is all, good night!

Thursday, April 9, 2015

Life update

It's been awhile. I have been purposely ignoring this blog and not writing because writing means deal with it, face it, look into myself and try to come back to the surface without tripping over my troubles. The thing is, I edited this four page letter to the attorney general from my boss today at work and it made me remember that I like writing. So I'm here because I want to be.

A lot has changed, of course. My guilt and regret about the abortion remain current. Yes, regret, as unbelievable as that sounds. Me, with a baby? I am hardly coping with myself. That is, I smoke weed every day and have been chain smoking cigarettes. Barely eating. TRYING to eat more but just...can't. Don't want to.

D. and I broke up a few weeks ago but have spoken via text or phone every day since. Spoken for the most part meaning fight. We've met up a couple times for food and sex. What the hell kind of break up is this?

It hurts. I love him still, I carried his child that we chose not to keep. We shared a life-changing experience. How can I walk away? The truth is that I'm terrified of being without him. I don't want to be with anyone else having had an abortion. I'm not in therapy anymore but last time I was there I mentioned this and she said you can choose to tell the next guy or not, up to you. So either way I'm fucked! Keep it a secret, a lie...or tell them and potentially damage their view of me. With D. I don't have to worry about that.

With D. I don't have secrets. But, the fact remains that we are not together. I am single. And so not ready to mingle.

I moved about a month ago and it went well, really enjoying my new, nicer spot but feeling incredibly isolated. My two closest friends are in the city I just moved away from. I have friends around here but not across the street like how it was before. I've been having fun though. I went to a concert, had drinks, dinner, brunch, etc with friends in the past few weeks.

The drama with D. and dealing with the after effects of the abortion have been my main focus. Still bleeding off and on, cramps off and on, emotional as fuck. Intense and insane feelings for him. Last week in person we both admitted that we still love each other. We just fight so fucking much. We don't work, which sucks to think.

It's a complicated and confusing situation right now. I am trying to stay positive. I am trying to function. There are things, serious things, that need to be done (still): my taxes and student loan stuff. I have been literally been putting them off for months! I am my own worst enemy sometimes.

Right now I'm sitting on the couch in my pjs at 8pm like an old lady. Off for the next 3 days. Happy hour tomorrow, headed back to the city to grab some mail, and the bank. Saturday and Sunday are up in the air but hopefully I'll make the best of them. Tonight is me time. Me myself and I, single lady with her cat. Fml.

xo, thanks so much for reading, love to you all.

I realized today that I really like helping people by making them feel better, even if it's brief. A patient came in who lost his wife two months ago. He is an elderly man, at first gruff but with kindness. To watch him and his wife was so sweet, he would lead her by arm everywhere, they were an adorable old twosome. Anyway she passed and we just found out when he started coming back (he hadn't been in for a few months). Today I took extra time to talk with him and when I led him to a treatment room I pointed out the large and exquisite painting on the wall. He looked at it, noticed it's beauty and walked to it, touched it and said "I don't think I've ever noticed this before. It IS nice." It was such a cool moment, and I felt very present. I also felt like I had helped him in my own way, by pointing out a little beauty to allow him to become present too, and maybe for an instant not feel intense grief.