well hello

well hello

Saturday, July 26, 2014

What would Lana do?

I need to get this down. I met a guy on tinder, of all places. We have a similar circle of friends. I like him already but we have never met. We were going to tonight but there was some miscommunication and plans shifted and it got really late. So I'm sitting here drinking alone.

The new job is going well. I "called in" to my other part time job this evening (actually emailed) because I was so keyed up and nervous about meeting him. I don't think it was a good idea to not work because I need the money desperately and my landlord called tonight for rent. He sounded angry. Shit.

My thoughts are scattered. I'm going to chug this beer. Guess I can't write after all.

Monday, July 21, 2014

Mind time traveling

Sitting here close to midnight alone and contemplative. Tomorrow is the first day of my new job. Why do I feel scared to wake up so early? It's like I don't think I can handle waking at the crack of dawn, just because it's been awhile and I'm up late. My fears befuddle me.

I will get up and go, start this new chapter with a smile and ambition. I can do this. I can stick this out. I can commit.

I have changed jobs so many times. I have had a million first days.

Keeping my part time job for as long as I can to catch up financially. I plan to save some money and take a weekend trip as soon as possible. I have Fridays off at my new job, plus the weekend obviously. Sucks for money purposes (hence why I'm keeping second job) but it's AWESOME. Who am I kidding?

I don't mind working two jobs for a bit longer. Staying busy keeps me less dependent upon the attention of boys. Not talking really to anyone at the moment. You know how it changes fast though...

I feel like I ate a lot today. I am too grossed out to list it all. I didn't binge, just ate a little too much and I want to walk for ten miles but it's night and I am not walking alone in this city after dark. Excuses?

I'll make up for it tomorrow, I promise. I will restrict during the day (at work) and at night I'll stay strong. Let my eyes linger on the prize.

I did some cleaning today and took myself shopping. I haven't been clothes shopping in months. I bought four shirts on a store charge card. The total was about $60. No, I should not have spent the money but they were on sale and are all work-wearable and guess what chicken butt - it was needed. I'm working in a ritzier suburban area and need to dress the part want to fit in. I'll pay it off next month.

Rewinding time to Saturday night...I went to my neighbor's and partied it up. Wine, weed, blow. Just a little bit. I know, I'm bad. Needless to say I was up until about 6:30AM and could not sleep in. I forgot how it effects me. I was tired all day and today as well.

Smoking gave me a jolt and my nerves are back for tomorrow. Deep breath. I can do this. I know I can. I love a challenge! I long for work and a paycheck. I have accomplished my goal! I have successfully bounced out of underemployment. I saved myself! I will no longer be broke. I will have a routine. I will discover new parts of myself. I will not gain weight. I will maintain or lose...there's really no other acceptable option.

Everything I tried on today fit. I did not have to exchange sizes. It felt good to feel sort of thin. Must stay strong.

Gotta finish this pipe and hit the hay. Going to take on tomorrow with confidence. Have a great day!!

xo
Sar


Sunday, July 20, 2014

Gravitas

Drunk. Still not high, never bought that eighth. It's two AM. I might be going to my neighbors to smoke, I hope!!

It's crazy how long it's been since I've bought pot. I just haven't had the cash. Well no more, bitches. This girl got a job. And soon I will reap the harvest.

Listening to Lana Del Ray. Was watching "Flight" starring the AMAZING Denzel Washington. That movie got me alllll shook up so I am taking a break from it.

Life is pretty damn good, folks. No love interests, but had a nice time with family lately. Also, woohoo, the job. Starting this week. And you know what...I feel pretty sometimes. Not really today, I feel greasy and bloated because I ate today (kind of alot) and my period is coming in a few days.

Drinking wine. Smoking my ciggies in my apartment.

I guess I don't have too much more to say. Lol. I hope you're all having a cool weekend.

LOVE,
PEACE,
xo,
Sarah

Saturday, July 19, 2014

Great news...

I got the job!!

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Trying not to lose it

Good god, I hate waiting!!!!!!!!!!!

I had an interview for this receptionist position last thursday. They called me for a second interview, which I went to yesterday. I thought it went well! They called me to say I'm "at the top of the list but they have a couple more interviews to get through". They said they would call me today! I have been hugging my phone all damn day. I am trying not to lose faith! They're going to call, they're going to call, they're going to call, they're going to call and offer me the job.

I need this job so fucking bad. And I want it! It seems like a great fit for me!

----------

In other news, I've been chatting with J. again. Not ex-bf J. Don't get THAT twisted. This J. is a friend of friends and we've met twice but messaged a lot. Last wednesday we all went to a sweet jazz concert and him and I (and his buddy from out of town) went to a club afterward and danced our asses off. I totally hit on him. Nothing happened, but we had a great time. He is my newest "challenge". I want to sleep with him and maybe more because why not? Jake is history. M. is spacey as hell albeit a tad consistent, which is cute. C. is just a friend. I activated Tinder on my phone too. This girl is looking for love, fun, and frolicking.

Currently 1PM, sipping my coffee, listening to Whitney Houston. Waiting for my phone to ring with a job offer. IT WILL HAPPEN!

Therapy at 3. Work at 5. God I can't even think.

I haven't bought pot in ages. Just been smoking resin or having someone smoke me up. J. is trying to sell me an eighth tonight for $60, an outlandish price! I might pay it just to have a chance to see him. Or, fuck it, I won't bother and let him be challenged.

I really can't deal with this shit right now. I need to take a walk.

Peace.
-Sar

Friday, July 11, 2014

And now I just sit in silence

It's amazing how stable I feel this week. Just writing that scares the hell out of me because we all know that things change fast. I had my usual therapy tuesday which is really going swimmingly. I'm kind of in love with her actually. Not love just an incredible dependence and appreciation. She is so smart. What we are currently working on is me learning to differentiate between thoughts and emotions. Impossible. But I'm going to keep trying.

Saturday, July 5, 2014

Positive conclusions despite the darkness

Well, that didn't last long. I deleted the link off my Twitter bio. I'm not ready for that yet, apparently. I'm feeling guarded. Which I'm sure is a direct result of Jake completely blowing me off last night. Yep. Here's what happened:

As you know we had made tentative plans to watch the fireworks together. I say tentative because no actual physical plans were made, he just said he wanted to see them with me. Which I assumed meant he wanted to see them with me. Which I assumed meant that we would be seeing each other.

Yesterday I was trying my best to be cool and carefree. Not knowing what time or any other details was definitely driving me crazy. I like to plan things a little. I was going out of my way to stay relaxed, to trust that it would all work. I took a long ass walk, a couple miles, all the while talking to myself, telling myself it's fine.

While I was out walking he texted me that he "should be home around 8:30". That's it, no other information. My blood immediately boiled. Apparently he was out of town at his roommate's parent's house. After considering the best way to cover my ass I sent him a text asking if he was thinking of staying out there and if so let me know so I can make other plans. Because 8:30 ish is kind of late for the fourth.

He responded with a vague "I'm not missing the fireworks but logistically it might be better for you to make other plans and we could meet later". Logistically my ass.

At this point I had a feeling of doom in my stomach so I bought a pack of cigarettes at the gas station with my credit card (bad!). Thankfully I did have somewhere else to go, my new friend/coworker Denise had invited me over.

I texted Jake back "I see" for him to interpret however the fuck he wanted. Then I showered and had a glass of wine. I put on a beautifully patriotic outfit, looked myself in the eye in the mirror and felt pretty, said to myself, "he's a fool", hopped in the car and drove 25 minutes to her townhouse in the suburbs.

There were four of us: two guys and two girls. Always a good mix. Her boyfriend shot off a bunch of fireworks in the street and we enjoyed the show their neighbor put on! There were fireworks in every direction it was actually really nice. The other dude was def hot.

But in my heart and maybe in my head I was feeling vulnerable and defensive. I talked more to Denise and her boyfriend then the other guy. We were drinking and smoking weed and cigarettes a lot, me on a completely empty stomach. The drunker I got (we were drinking whiskey with full fat cola) (I cringe when I consider the calories), the more I wanted him to hit on me and for us to hook up. Nothing at all happened and I passed out on the couch, alone.

I woke up at 6AM cold and alone. I drove my fat ass to mcdonalds and bought a egg and cheese biscuit and a hashbrown. I ate in my car while exhausted and still drunk. It sobered me just barely enough to drive down the center of the highway with tunnel vision. I stumbled up the steps of my apartment, put on pjs and thought I would get sick. I didn't, and fell back asleep.

I feel shame about buying fast food. I should've known better than to drink whiskey on an empty stomach. I hate doing that. I just needed not to feel.

At some point in the middle of the night last night I texted Jake asking where he ended up. He responded that he fell asleep and missed the fireworks. I have no idea absolutely no clue if this is the truth. He has no reason to lie. But seriously, if you didn't plan to see me why the hell would you ask to? Or if your plans changed why couldn't you just tell me? I'm so confused by him. Why can't he be real with me!?

So of course this afternoon when I woke up wide awake and remembering the events of the past twenty four hours I had to text him. I sent him one of my famous mean texts. I held back, a little, because I'm trying to be more aware of what I say in anger. I tend to regret it later.

I said: Thank god I didn't stick around waiting for you. Don't say you want to see me and then blow me off..especially on a holiday? You're not even a friend, you're untrustworthy."

Harsh. Reading it again to copy it verbatim from my phone, I can feel the frustration. It has been an hour and a half and he has not responded.

It's fine. Probably for the best. We are both pushing each other away, that's how it feels. We have a great time together and then one or both freaks out and reclaims mad distance until the other is forced to form fucked up conclusions. And of course it all happens over text, the shittiest form of communication there ever was.

It's sad. On the bright side, I did have fun last night. I like having a new friend. It was cool to be out in the 'burbs because I'm a city girl now. There was a lot of air, a lot of wide open space. Trees, nicely paved roads. It was a good time and I'm glad I went. I made the best of a bad situation and sometimes that's all you can do.

As for Jake...well sucks to be him. He missed out. I have no clue if he'll respond to my message and he really doesn't even need to. Unless it's an apology. Or he could just...pick up the phone and call.

I'm trying so hard not to feel bitter.

This turned into a really long post. I wonder if you're still reading? Loneliness is a terrible thing. Good thing I like myself lately. Sometimes I'm ok. Therapy is helping.



Have a groovy weekend.

Sar


Friday, July 4, 2014

An experiment




Happy Independence Day to my fellow Americans! I slept for twelve hours last night...LIKE A BOSS. Haha, kidding - I'm lazy as hell. Why get up out of bed when you have no place to be, no one to talk to, and no low ambition?

It's almost three in the afternoon and I'm sitting here in my pajamas playing around online and sipping some hot coffee. I decided to go for it, by the way. I am putting myself out there with no way to ever reclaim anonymity. I have placed a link to THIS BLOG on my Twitter. Bold, right?

I'm definitely not a coward. You want to read about my life, lust, and substance abuse? Go right ahead. Judge me. Just comment and click on the ads and we're golden.

It's been a chill week. I've been off work. I've been toking and talking to people. I decided not to keep my ball in one court regarding Jake. He is great but he sometimes gets a little quiet on me. Triggers my suspicions. Therefore, I'm branching out. Currently chatting with this dude J. I mentioned back in May. We never hooked up but he's hot so I would.

Jake and I are supposed to watch fireworks tonight. He said, and I quote, that he "doesn't care where he just wants to watch them with me". Soo...we shall see how this goes! Of course I said yes, but he's been aloof the past two days. I guess I should be glad that he thought to lock down plans with me in advance. I'm actually a tad annoyed. He got his answer and then bam, no more work to do...or so he thinks!

Men! What is it about them?



I've made it my goal to apply for at least one job per day. This holiday weekend is screwing with my success. People are out of the office when I need them there reviewing my resume, calling, interviewing, and hiring me! Needless to say no luck...yet. I promise I'll have good news soon.

Patience is a virtue.

You know what.

I'm not in the writing mood.
Peace!

Xo
Sar

Ps: A helpful infographic for tonight: