well hello

well hello

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Don't rain on my parade

I've been up since five-forty five and have only had 360 calories. Not too bad. It's almost three in the afternoon and I'm going to campus soon, then to a friends house, then to work to get my paycheck (and visit J.). Then I'll be home. A home with no junk food is a home I'm happy in. But I'm starving, and feeling bitchy.

My teeth hurt. I've got an appointment with the big D. on Saturday. That's right, the Dentist. Goody for me. I only hope he says nothing about their enamel. I really hope no embarrassing E.D talks come up. Fuck you, Mr. Just clean them and fill them and we'll be good. It sucks that I have to do this when I'm home visiting with my sister and baby nephew, but whatevs. That's my luck.

I skipped two classes today. I am doing horrible in school. I took a test this week that I surely failed. I've got 5/10 on two quizzes. I'm supposed to graduate in December but I'll tell you all my big secret: I forgot to register for graduation. Greattttt. How was I supposed to know that had to be done the first week of school? My advisor did not tell me! I've never graduated from a university, how the fuck was I supposed to take care of this? 
Initiative. You're right. I should have taken some initiative and found out for myself. I'm a failure.

I don't feel necessarily fat today, just a little bloated. The good news is that my jeans are too baggy, so I actually put them in the hot dryer for a while to shrink them. The bad news is that I'm still not happy with my body.

I can't seem to do anything but sit around and smoke weed. I spent $90 on my hair yesterday (wash, cut, highlights) and I'm feeling some buyer's remorse today. I had no business spending that money. I've been spending spending spending like crazy. I do not live within my means. I spend like I'm rich. I buy things like I don't care or need to worry about money. It's bad.

Because I still don't have enough. I am still not satisfied with my wardrobe. I do not have a winter coat, which is horrible because of where I live. I do not have winter boots. I resent my parents, siblings, friends... hell, I resent myself.

I need a fix because I'm going down. (J.L. always knows).

Oh, how I despise myself today! I thought I'd be feeling so happy because of my hair and because this week is nearing an end. But I don't. I feel morose, moody, mentally unstable... 
Tonight my friend and I are going out to a bar where T.'s band is playing. They're actually good, but why the fuck do I want to support him? He won't even be my friend. I don't give a rat's ass about him. But I like music. I especially like listening to live music.

Being in between a rock and a hard place sucks.

Well I should probably stop blogging, get off my ass, put some pants on, drive to school, and freaking learn.

This pic was on zette's blog but I love it so I'm resposting it:

I want to be her. 

Think thin.


Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.






Anonymous said...

im sorry that school isnt going too well, but hey you had a great intake!!
you are an amazing girl who is just having a horrid day- we all get like this honey <3


zette said...

cheers for baggy jeans. &i like that picture, too. boo for not registering, but double boo for your dumbass advisor assuming you'd know how to do something you've never done before. hope it works out. try not to stress too much, doll.


Anonymous said...

Thanks so much for your sweet comment on my pictures. No, I don't live in NY. I kind of wish! I live down in the lazy south.

School can be such a bitch. I hope things look up.

It's weird, but the things you put at the end really motivate me to stay empty. :)

Cally C. said...

I too love a home with no junk food in it.

Chin up, love. Once you get some sleep you'll feel happier! 5:45!? Geez!

SkinnyRose said...

So some of us like to spend - we're good for the economy! That's what I like to tell myself when I find that I'm uncontrollably whipping out my debit card to buy things. Thank god it's not a credit card....

And your advisor sucks for not telling you (btw, what kind of retarded thing is it that you have to REGISTER to graduate? Shouldn't the school kinda figure out that if you're finishing, you'd wanna be at the graduation too? BS if you ask me)
Hope the music cheered you up a bit...