well hello

well hello

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

I was beachside?

Yeah right, I wish. I am so not feeling a bikini. Although I am sure I would look better than some other chicks, bigger than me, but that don't mean shit when I am putting the suit on and looking in the mirror with shame. Nope, not ready for all that. I am avoiding the beach for now.

I am also avoiding people. Why, I wonder. A good guess would be because I am just so addicted to smoking up by myself and reading online for hours. I mean, that does not sound like too bad of a hobby. I am reading, for the most part; I am more than adequate at skimming articles or stories for what is intriguing to me.

The reason I wanted to write is because I have been doing ok, foodwise. Today I had a handful of blueberries, a light vanilla yogurt, 2 kudos (100 cal) bars, a banana...and the BIG offender.."slush" at work. It is basically cookie cake, with frosting, chocolate syrup, and chocolate chips. Oh heaven, it is delicious as sin and equally bad for me. I enjoyed it though, and my light eating is coinciding nicely because I am aware of the mistake I made.

I chose to eat.

It was break time, mind you, I only worked 6 hours today. Six lousy hours, and I had to eat on my break? Can't even go six hours without giving in to the munchies? It's bullshit, and I am over it. Ugh barely. But tomorrow is another day. The problem is, I am tired. I don't even feel like going out tonight for that bar party. I could go to sleep right now.

But I probably won't. It might be fun to go out, and see what is going on with the world of |blank|, my college town. Ahhhhhhhhhh.

Saturday, June 27, 2009


Yesterday was no good. I had been planning all week to attend an outdoor concert. I was really looking forward to going, dancing, lots of walking. I came home from work yesterday and chilled for awhile. I was about to walk downstairs to throw away some garbage, and realized my key would not lock my door. Call me paranoid, whatever, I lock my door all the time when I leave, even if it's only for a minute. I stood there stupidly fumbling with my key, while my neighbors observed the entire thing, and gave up and went inside and called my landlord. He informed me it could be fixed Monday. (Yesterday was Friday!) I was like, no way, I have plans tonight, call a locksmith NOW. So he did, and called me back, and told me a locksmith would come the next day (today). I screamed with frustration! I talked to my friend I was supposed to go to the concert with, and she was pissy and bitchy. She came over to look at it and we plotted. I eventually gave up. I told her to just go and have a good time, that I didn't feel comfortable leaving my place unlocked. Now it's not like I have anything valuable.. but my mindset is anxious enough.

So I fell asleep, and when I woke I ordered a small (8 slice) pizza with mushrooms, black olives, and green peppers on it. I ATE 6 SLICES LAST NIGHT. I was soo disgusted with myself I vowed to throw away the remaining two slices. Well what did I do? I slept all day today, then ate oatmeal, a mandarin orange cup, and the last two slices....fuck. my. life.

I am a fat pig. My stomach hurts BAD. Plus I have cramps..ugh.. so mad. so mad. and STILL MY LOCK IS BROKEN!! I am just waiting for this dude to get here, I haven't even showered yet..I am so pathetic sometimes. I am so mad at myself. Ok, yes, it was delicious! But when I ordered it last night I was not even hungry, starving, just bored. and mad.

and I can't even type this, my fingers are shaking and I am about to jump out my freakin window..

Friday, June 19, 2009

A concoction.

One (1) microwaved veggie burger.
Two (2) tablespoons of a thick, veggie-filled salsa.
One (1) cup steamed, chopped broccoli crowns

I cut the "burger" into strips, they reminded me of vegan "chicken" tenders; I sporadically tossed the green broccoli near the reddish orange of the salsa, so pretty, like a mini stir-fry.

Very low cal. I sprinkled some parsley on top for added season. Absolutely delicious and filling. I just had to note it.


Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Do you know?

I don't know how I got to be such a worrier. I talk to my sister and hear her married baby voice, and hear her husbands hostility, and my heart feels squeezed, like squishing a sponge to make a waterfall in the sink.
I hear news of my brother. Not eating. His disease morphing his mind so much he makes himself sick on the thought of getting sick, a daily occurrence.
My mother. My father. My younger brother. My friends. Random people at work. This empathy has taken over my solitary thoughts. Think of yourself for once. Oh, can't do that. When my eyes turn inward, they see a bitter and numb bottomless, black, heart burning pit.
I wrench my eyes out and my stomach sails away. I am lost, burning.

Monday, June 15, 2009


Today started off well. Fruit, and that's it. Then after I got out of work I started eating chocolate frosting, fig newtons, chips & salsa, and a string cheese. I took a shower. My stomach was feeling nauseous, so I puked. and puked. It was a good one. Then took a looonngg walk. Feeling good, but high because I stopped for a bowl. Munchies kicked in when I got home. Ate more frosting (then threw it away..fuck that shit), more fig newtons, a TON of honey bunches of oats cereal, strawberries, and a fatfree pudding cup. WOw. Pathetic. I would be feeling great now, after a purge and walk...but no. My fat ass got inside, and started craving food. I am trying to fill in this hole in my stomach, heart, wherever. I feel it. WHen I am eating I am not feeling. I am mindless. I hate me right now. SOrry to be such a disappointment. I don't care about anything anymore, especially my future. Gah I need another change. You would think living alone in a town over an hour from my parent's house would be enough of a transition. Nope. I'm thinking Florida. Jeez. Get a fucking grip you pothead. Gain some control. Stop eating disgusting junk. JUST STOP.

Monday, June 8, 2009


I have been sleeping so much, trying to sleep the days away so I eat less. At this point I am well rested but very groggy, and I really don't know what to do with myself, at least I can't force myself to do anything that matters. Sounds confusing, so I'll stick to what really matters. Yesterday's calorie count. I was laying in bed going over what I ate before I feel asleep. It was a lot. Now I am awake with my water and here goes!

I waited till about 6 pm before I started eating, which was good. I was definitely hungry, but disgusted by my overall binging of the past week. I went to walmart because I had a free Kashi frozen meal coupon. I chose the Mayan Harvest Bake (vegan). It was delicious at 340 calories. A smart, good girl would have purchased that meal and walked out, but I of course spotted fritos and thought about my salsa. They weren't even the scoops, which sucked. My friend that came with me stopped at Subway, and the temptation and the smells in there almost killed me, so I bought a chocolate m&m cookie (100). Stupid of me, it wasn't even good. I would have much rather had pb. But my "chocolate attacks" are long winded and intense.

So after I ate my frozen meal, I scarfed down the entire $ .99 bag of fritos at 560 total calories/bag. (160 cal x 3.5 servings). Shit. Plus salsa (30 cal). It unfortunately did not stop there. I grabbed an oats and chocolate fiber one bar (140 cal) and that is when I began craving chocolate hardcore. I didn't even get dressed. I walked up the street in my pajamas to a tiny gas station, luckily there was a guy working. I thought I had $3, turns out I only had $2 thank God. So I walked out of there with a box of junior caramels (570 cal/box). Fuck. As I write this, the totals are creeping me out. My grand intake for the day is : 1740 calories.

Not horrible. But still disgusting. I have had wayyyy worse days. And so today has started, I have an empty stomach, and I plan to keep it that way until after work. <3 and peace.

Sunday, June 7, 2009


My life is wild. I am out of control, drugs left & right, daily cigs, too much coffee & sweets. Where did I lose it? It had to have been more than a few months ago. I smoke pot the second I wake and after work or whenever I can until bed. Fuck. Not sure where I am going with this one. I guess a moment of clarification: I need rehab to stop smoking. Not happening though. I will attempt to fix this. I have to, I mean once all control is lost and I am being dominated by white coats in a prison for deranged souls like myself then my life as I have always known it is forever over. Done. and I, in turn become a ghost of the "girl I once was". Haven't I heard that enough? "You've changed" "You were sweeter when I first met you, now you're so angry and bitter". I don't like hearing that and I struggle to believe that I am a confident, growing young woman. I want to be happy and free from cold restraints like money, unnecessary stress, and the like.

My mind changes like the waves. Up and down, up and down, while swaying softly and sending sand spiraling towards a surface.

I love the allman brothers.

Food today: two nutrigrain bars [260], one fiber one bar dipped in pb [210], bowl of oatmeal w/ cinnamon [140], fruit cup [80], cooked spinach & mushrooms w/italian seasoning [50], few handfuls of honey nut chex cereal [350], two fatfree cappucinos [100], chocolate creme cookie [330].

Grand total: 1520 cal.

I am clearly not on the right track. My sister sent me this box of food. My rule of thumb as of late has been, eat or throw away every food item she sent. [explains why I purged those damn ginger snaps]. Why I am telling myself that eating it is the answer, I don't know exactly. I think my master plan here is to not buy any food, ever. And once this stuff/junk food is gone, so is my breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Aha so there is a method to my madness. I just have been eating smaller portions early in the day, saving my binging for night. Now you may be thinking that is not the smartest way. Well is has been working for me. Because I total up my cals at the end of the night [after binge] and they are about a normal range. So I am not overeating. And walking up two flights of stairs is great, not to mention surprisingly good for my waist.

I have so much more to say. I have to end this post though, my fingers are flying over the keys and my mind can't keep up with the music, which is all I really want to hear. Love& peace.

Think thin tomorrow.
and today.

A moment on the lips..a LIFETIME on the hips.


Tuesday, June 2, 2009

One day I'm going to lose the war.

What a day, and it's only 4:20 pm. I woke at 6 to be at work by 7:15. I ate a Fiber One oats & chocolate granola bar. [140]. Then on my break I indulged in an apple cinnamon Nutrigrain bar. Delish at 130 cal. During work I drank about three cups of black coffee. I'll say 35 cals.

I was doing well, until after work I randomly bought f r i t o l a y corn c h i p s. salsa. & celery. I quite predictably binged on the chips & salsa. So I am quite ashamed to give that a mess a total of 450 cal. *It doesn't end there* I eat an apple (45). I eat a tiny pack of nutter butter bites. (130) Then, licorice. (300) bringing me to a grand total of 1,230.

Luckily I noticed what I was doing and went downstairs (2 flights) to take out my garbage, bringing the rest of the licorice. So that is gone and I am free from it. I don't even know why I bought it. It my weakness, I love the chewiness. Picture me: I am lying in bed trying to read this great book called "Perfect", and my mind keeps flashing to last night. My stomach is churning and I feel sick. I lay there debating and contemplating. All of a sudden everything goes white, I jump up, grab a half full liter of water, and hightail it to my bathroom. I close the door, standing stock still in the semi-darkness, and open the lid. I am gouging my throat with sharp nails attached to strange fingers. It's not working, I chug water, then more water and more gouging. I am thinking "there is no way you are going to give up. you can't stop halfway through. try harder. don't think about what you are really doing. don't listen for your heart to beat hard in your chest. get the food OUT!" I grab my toothbrush out of sheer frustration and stubbornness. No clue what to do with it, so I shove it down my throat and tickle the back of it. then go in and out like I'm giving head. Disgusting. Gagging. Spitting. Coughing. and then it happens. puke. and I feel like I chickened out. I feel like there was more in me that could of come out but I stopped it because I was scared. What a baby. But damn I'm bold too. If I can manage to not consume any more calories for the rest of the day I will be so happy.

and now I am sitting here. I already smoked a cigarette and a bowl. The Allman Brother's are playing and I am typing and this is me; please comment. I would love the encouragement and quickly proceed in reciprocation. : )

Think Thin!

Nothing tastes as GOOD AS THIN FEELS!

StAy sKiNny or aLwaYs be SorRy.

Food sucks!

The scale doesn't lie..

at least not today. Last night after my b/p sess. I didn't eat anything at all. and now it is morning and I am off to work. My stomach feels funny, so I am debating on an apple. But they are sort of acidic, so maybe that apple would do nothing more than piss me off.

I just wanted to report that I weighed myself after a pee, and I am officially 130/129. That's right. A 5 pound loss over night? Crazy, but I'll take it.

Monday, June 1, 2009

Fast update.

Here I am again, only this time with the secret knowledge that I just threw up so much licorice and ginger snaps. I had to get that crap out...this was my first successful attempt. and it was easy. Scary; I have an addictive personality. My sister sent me this box of food and random toiletries..it was so sweet of her, but those damn cookies got me instantly! So now, they are 3/4 gone, and I am going to throw out the rest tomorrow when I take out my trash. Muahaha. Control is on the horizon.

: )

Wow -only two May entries.

Say it ain't so. [weezer] (background music)

Today I was told that he died of a drug overdose. Why T? I think you were sad. I'm so sorry. Rest in peace now. <3 Sar

And so, in an attempt to get more readers, I officially am turning this into my ana blog.

Today I ate:

1 plum [30]
6 thick licorice red twists [420]
Wendy's value fries [210]
'Coffee Toffee twisted frosty' [540] ugh

putting me at 1200 calories for the day, and it's only 5:38 pm. Shit. Binge binge binge on fast food junk. I say to people, "oh I hate that nasty shit"..what a hypocrite. I mean, yeah that list up there doesn't look like a lot of food, it's just a shitload of unhealthy fats and sugars and carbs. Too much. Way way to much I ate. I am going to keep pounding down water and about to walk to the library to return some overdue books. So maybe I'll burn 100 calories on the walk, and if I don't eat for the rest of the day and night my total will be 1100. That doesn't seem to bad considering women my age are supposed to consume 2000 calories a day. So onward!

Cigerette and weigh in right after. For my stats!

Height 5'8
22 yr/old
Hw 139
Cw 134 [w/jeans & a shirt]
Gw 115

There you have it. That's me. Join me on a journey towards loose jeans, loose panties, and envious glares from girls who stare.

*Nothing tastes as good as thin feels*