well hello

well hello

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Skinny Arms for March!

"today was supposed to be just another day."

it never is though.

Hello, blog. It is six p.m. and I have to be at work in an hour. I am smoking! Lol, finally reupped. But you don't care about that. Let's get down to business. I woke up feeling beautifully skinny today. I love the feeling. I have been restricting all weekend, mostly and luckily because of the massive amount of snow we got. I didn't want to go out in it, ha. So my payoff was a flat belly.

But my arms. Ew, so flabby. I need to lift books like weights and tone those fuckers up.

And my legs are decent. My ass not so much. My face? Um, sometimes it's ok and other times it is full and fat looking.

My scale is back out, prominently displayed on my kitchen floor, a flat surface, so I can step on it when I need to.

I was eating really good all day. I had fruit and salad and a little cereal at the dining hall. Then I dug out my car and went to the store...and bought a couple snacks. I ate a bag of Popchips, just because I was still hungry. This was not horrible, the entire bag was about 300 calories. Ok, that's a ton...and they're empty calories, but I could have done much, much worse. I got some carrots and yogurt and microwave popcorn as well. But I will eat nothing else today.

I need to keep losing. It is imperative.

It's weird, I found myself wondering how to keep losing weight. The thing is, I know how. I am hovering at 130, but want to get to 120. I haven't weighed in the 120's in awhile...it is almost like I am afraid to get there again. Afraid but fucking eager. Does that make sense? Um no. The human brain is so weird. Or maybe it's just me. Either way I am in it to win it.

I am thinking thin. I will be thinner.

I like the way it feels. I like the weird looks my neighbor was giving me at lunch today, how she practically urged me to go and get the cereal. Ha. I have been having dreams of food and of people talking to me about my weight. I want it to be real. I want them to worry. I want T. to see me and think, "damn, she's lost weight". Not that he thinks I need to, I'm sure. But I want it to be noticeable. And it will. Soon.

Tomorrow is March 1st. By the end of the month I want to be holding steady at 125. Wish me luck.

* I want her arms!!!*

Think thin, people! xo

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Sugar makes me FAT.

Ugh, I'm in a weird mood. I ran out of weed last night, and today has been dragging. I rearranged shit so I could work tonight, instead of this afternoon like I usually do. I did this because (1) I was really tired this morning and thought a nap would help and (2) I am almost positive that T. closes tonight, enabling us to work together : )
I am so manipulative. For all I know he switched out and I'm going to feel like an ass. The lies just roll of my tongue, it's scary, "I have a test friday (true) so I'm meeting with a study group" (way false)...Like, I said, I just hope all this plotting and planning doesn't backfire on my ass.

So anyway, it's 5:40 and I don't have to be there until seven. I want to smoke soo bad. Isn't that silly? I am very addicted to marijuana. I even texted my neighbor, desperately, in hopes that she'd smoke me up. I can hear that she has company though, so that may not happen.

It's alright. I can do this. Sigh. Who am I kidding? I just took a resin hit. So this day is no longer technically smoke-free. It's a start though.

Why oh why am I rearranging my life to see T? He certainly isn't doing it for me. He left last weekend, he's leaving this weekend. I work all weekend, but still. Doesn't he want to see me? We met for coffee and talked last night. I hate myself. At first I wasn't feeling it at all, than I was slowly sucked in by his words and the quasi-truth I was hearing with my ears.

He is uncertain about me.
I am uncertain about him.

I am fat today. So fat. I hate it. I didn't have breakfast, went to one class, skipped the next, than went and got a slice of cheese pizza (??!!??) from the dining hall, and ate it with bleu cheese. See what not smoking does to me!? I lose it!
Then I came home and had some pretzels dipped in salsa, string cheese, and dried cherries. Holyfuckingshit. All would be just fine if I didn't binge yesterday and earrrllllyyyy this morning (like 12:30-1 am). I had licorice and a granola bar and frozen veggies with cheese : ( Also, yesterday afternoon I had a donut)

Isn't that all so disgusting? What the hell is wrong with me? I know...I am miserable and confused and stressed and worried about school and constantly scared that T. is liking other chicks. I am distressed and binge when I want to and have the money and time. I hate myself right now, for not exercising at all today or yesterday.

The best I can do is smoke cigarettes in a pathetic attempt to boost my metabolism. Fuck.

Idk, Idk.

What to do? I wanna blaze. I want to be all pretty for work though, so I guess it's time to face the mirror. Ugh. Hate that.

Ever feel so confused that you put off making any kind of decision, and before you know it you're sitting in a classroom staring down at a blank test with no clue of any semblance of an answer? That's gonna be me, friday, if I don't get my ASS in GEAR.

Stop making a fool of yourself, Sar. Lose weight you fat fucking pig. You really need to. Don't you just hate how tight all your clothes are? This morning nothing looked good on you because you're FAT FAT FAT.

I gotta end this. I need to do something. I am freaking out. I am blasting Amy Winehouse. I miss you and your comments. I miss feeling needed. I miss T. Am I going to see him tonight? Will it be ok? Ahhh!!!!

Think thin. Please offer any advice on ignoring sugar or carb cravings, I'm dying here!

Monday, February 22, 2010

Trimming the fat.

Soundtrack: Abbey Road, The Beatles.

Smoking, yes. But of course. I am feeling not-so-skinny today. I started to type "I wish" but there is none of that to be said. I don't wish anything. Wishing is nothing. Wishing does nothing. I need to restrict and work out more, plain and simple. Hang on, I need to refill my water bottle (again). Back. I love cold water, and just read that drinking ice-cold water burns more calories than room temperature water. Makes sense, I guess. Too bad my freezer is too small and incapable of making ice cubes. I get really cold tap water!

I really do like my apartment. I live alone, just me and my cat. So I'm not alone I guess, plus I have neighbors rightnextdoor. The walls are thin. I have this place decorated kind of cute, I mean, you gotta work with what ya have. My place is tiny, with high ceilings luckily, and two tapestries on the walls, and the tiniest kitchen you'll ever see. Seriously I have no counter space. The bathroom is minuscule. There is only one window here...my view? A rooftop and some sky. I love the sky.

Ok, I'm baked. But here's my point. As little and old and yuck this place is, I still like it. Love, no. I am just grateful to have it. A place of my own. Sure, it's paid for by school loans, but I'm doing this. I am proud of myself. I don't ever take the time to admit that to myself. I mostly loathe myself. But I am here to say "Go Sar!". Maybe I'm going to be okay.

And yet, I am obsessed with my body and my looks and food. Oh how I think of these things...all the time.

I'll be trying to sit in class and pay attention and then glance down, it's "body-check" madness for a few seconds, where I suck in and pull down my shirt (discreetly, hopefully), and shift in my chair. I look around at others; girls, guys, I check out everyone to see who is skinnier than me and who I am skinnier than.
Even my teachers are thin. It drives me a little crazy and I lose my focus, which is completely short term anyways, but really this whole equation just equals disaster. For me, for my grades, for my self-esteem. It sucks to be always worrying about how fat you look, sitting in class, of all places. Or at work. Or walking. Or when someone is talking to you. Sometimes a simple, "hello" from a classmate embarrasses me because I feel like they are observing my fatness. It's maddening.

I have been faithfully entering my intake into my Lose it! app on I-pod.
It is helpful, it truly is, to see how easy it is for calories to add the fuck up and reach 1500 before you know it. I hate calorie counting but I have to.

I was forced to go out to dinner, to Applebees, when I went home this weekend. Did you guys know that there is NO nutritional information located ANYWHERE about ANY of Applebees food? It is just a freakin' fact about them. Dammit. I was DYING to know how much calories were in what I got.
Wanna know?
A veggie burger (yes, they have them, look at the bottom of the burger part of the menu and it say's "all burgers except blah blah can be substituted with a vegetarian burger") on a roll with "grilled" peppers, onions, mushrooms and a side salad INSTEAD of french fries (go me!). Ok I know this is terribleTERRIBLE! but I am just now realizing that I did not even get fresh lettuce and tomato...why wouldn't I ask for that?? I love fresh veggies on veggie burgers, and those negative calories help with the overall meal!! Silly, stupid, Sar. Damn!

See the mood shift? ^ All of a sudden I am filled with this crazy nervous tension and it's trying to shoot out my palms and fingers and forehead. Weird. But bottomline? Fuck applebees. They need to display nutritional information, especially because other places are required to do so! Why are they escaping this?? I am freakin' scared of how many calories I digested there. Oh and the side salad? Delish but it came with cheese AND croutons (dressing on side)...I picked off most of the cheese and left most of the croutons; my father stared at me like I had two heads.

We kept talking about food and disagreeing and so much of our damn time is spent eating or talking about food and it's just no wonder I'm this obsessive. *sighs*

I'm a little bummed now.

I hope you all are doing well, and as always, thanks for commenting.
You're beautiful, you really are.
Think thin.

I need to thinspire myself..

Can I just be thinner? 

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Be thin.

Could you bare it all on a moment's notice? and feel good about yourself? Look to this thinspiration to put down that f&$d. Starve on.

To be thin is to be hot.

*You can wear anything when you're thin.

*You look younger when you're thin.

Bikini time..you ready and looking good? Better be. Ana says so.

No one likes fat.

*skinny legs.

*skinny arms.

*flat stomach.

no rolls=a dream.

*amazing thighs.

*just don't eat. it's simple, really.

*skinny is sensual.

*get your number and decrease it by ten.

or just try to be Victoria Beckham. she's doing many things right : )

love it. live it. be thin. be lovely**


Saturday, February 20, 2010

Love Story.

Things change. Every single second.
Dear Readers, hi, I am confused and oddly enough, sexually satisfied.

That's right. Last night T. and I got it on. Haha I stayed over there and he drove us both to school this morning.
What else can I do but laugh? What is going on? Lol. Ohgod.

Let me backtrack. This week flew by. I am seriously behind on reading for 4 classes. I have been trying like hell to stay positive and to stay on track with the eating.

Edit: the next day-
Hello again. I apparently just stopped typing that post and popped in a movie instead; my attention span is zero. I talked to T. on the phone!!! for 45 minutes. He called me. *smiles* He called me. haha he called me! for once! Lolz.
I am pathetic, ha. But seriously the past couple of days have been ok. I can't concentrate at all. I am doing a million things at once. I am going to gather up laundry and head home for the day. Maybe night, I'm not sure. I feel so bad leaving my cat. I feel bad bringing laundry home. I'm just a bundle of mixed up, loony feelings. And yet I'm on a cloud. Things are far from perfect with T. But I want to give us another chance. I think. I am obviously nervous about the idea of putting myself out there, once again.

He won't leave my mind. We did it. Twice. It was hot. So hot. So, so good to feel his skin on mine, our arms and legs completely entwined, our breath on our skin, his mouth on my cheek, my hand in his.
Why do I need someone in my life? Not for purely selfish reasons, I assure you. I really have no close girlfriends, no confidantes. A boyfriend has always been my outlet, my necessity. I have been without love for years. From a significant other. I need someone to need me. I need this because I am so alone and "full of broken thoughts I can't repair" (Johnny Cash). T. could be this for me. T. could become someone important to me and I could be his sweetheart. Why do I want this? Because I don't want to die of loneliness.

I just smoked a cig. My whole body is so weak. I got a good workout in thursday at self defense and thursday night and friday morning, of course, I got a workout labeled on Lose It as Sexual Activity. Ha. But I can feel it!

Well, I need to get up and accomplish some stuff. Love ya'll. Think thin today.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

130 and lower tomorrow!

I am sitting here this morning, sipping hot tea and listening to Eric Clapton. I smoked a blunt and binged last night. It could have been worse, and would have been if I had more food here. Luckily I stopped after a lean cuisine (310 cal), broccoli with cheese (150 cal), and 2 organic waffles with syrup (215 cal). Yeah. Add all that to my food for the day (which luckily was not too hefty) but right, today I feel like a bloated fat cow.

Anywho. My cat is running around like a madman, chasing the toy I recently bought him (aww). I have two classes today and then work. My usual Wednesday. I always think it's going to d r a g by but before I know it, I will be home tonight, reading your blogs, sipping more tea.

I do love tea. Mint tea, especially.

I analyze myself, like we all seem to do, and have come to realize that my binging is a direct result of loneliness. I think, well no one is going to see me, and I like it that way, so might as well stuff my face. Um...warped? Very. I sometimes think, I don't want a boyfriend, or even a hook up, and I'm ok with it, because hey! I get to binge! Because no one will see me.
On the other hand, I very much want to be thin, whether people see me or not, because I see me. And I can't bear to look at myself with a fat stomach. Gross. So it is constant conflict inside the mind and body of Sar.

Fucking freak.

Hmm. A lot has been going on, and I wish I had the time to delve deeper. I just don't though. It is the 4th week of school and ALREADY I have missed 6 classes. Shhiiiittttt.
Well I'm the one paying for them, missing class only hurts me. My teachers could give a fuck less, I'm sure.

I've been craving cheese and bread hardcore. Cheesebreadcheesebreadcheesebread. Yuck. NASTY. not to mention: INCREDIBLY FATTENING. However...I am here to tell you, darling readers, that it is OK to give in to cravings every once in awhile. Just not everyday, lol. Be moderate. I know what I like. I know what is unhealthy. I just make attempts at balance. I restrict and then give in to a craving, and it seems to work. I am holding steady at 130 pounds.

: )


I need to lose ten more. I need to lose ten more. I want to lose ten more. I will lose ten more. I need to lose ten more pounds to feel better about myself.
120 is where it's at.

Think thin.

Saturday, February 13, 2010


I don't get it.

How can my life and feelings and attitude change so much?

T. and I talked at the bar last night, and on the phone for an hour after, and today when we met for coffee.

Surprise, surprise.

No seriously. I don't know why. You guys know where I was last time I wrote; I had deleted him from my life.
But when I was at work last night, he texted me. We exchanged back and forth for a few hours, then I mentioned the bar I was going to with my neighbor. Then he showed up there.
At first I ignored him and talked to others. He eventually said, "You can't just pretend I'm not here." What? You noticed?? So then we started talking and smiling and joking and quasi-bickering, while others looked on and attempted to interrupt. T. and I ignored them though. We continued until I left with my friend so she could get food (nothing for me, thanks). My phone beeps a few minutes later, it was T, texting:

"I wanted to kiss you."

I said, "Same, come smoke with us."
So he came over and it was a group of us at my neighbors place. Including Tom, T, and me. Ha. First time for that awkward situation.

Needless to say, the group dispersed and went their separate ways. I went upstairs and called T. That was when we talked and it was helpful I think, except we were both drunk. He a lot more wasted than I.

Today we got coffee. He is at work now. He invited me to come over after (midnight). I am going to go there.

Deep breath.

Should I do this?? Should I risk it??

My feelings are so jagged and rocky and mixed and messed up. I just want to be happy. I don't want to be played with. Oh you guys, my heart. It tends to show up on my sleeve and my face when I look at T. He's fucking gorgeous. It's not fair.

I need to take a break.

I can't. I just need to finish this post, find a conclusion. In all honesty my stomach is in nervous knots and I am apprehensive and worried about T. flirting with female coworkers. I am just always worrying about everything. What I will do is the dishes. I will also put away some clothes. I will also clean the cat litter. Ok. A plan. A purpose.

I feel sick.

What is love? Will I ever know?

Think thin.
I love feeling my bones.
Don't you?

Friday, February 12, 2010

Still here.

I'm fucking losing it. I think I just had a nervous breakdown. This happens a lot. My body tenses up, I throw something across the room, I slam my hand down on a surface, as hard as possible. I cry. I scream, "God dammit all". I yell at my cat.
I look in the mirror, which fuels my hatred.

I removed T. from my facebook friends. I officially fucking hate that prick. I am miserable. I have been played with. Mentally, I am a mess. Physically, I am a slob. I have school and work today. My apartment is a mess. My banking system is ridiculously inconveniencing. My cat drives me INSANE. My lamp is broken. My heart is mangled. Everything about my life is wrong. Everything about me is flawed.

My neighbors probably think I am nuts. I am nuts. I am losing it.

Here is an interesting correlation: The week I met T. is the week I stopped taking my meds (in October!). It's been downhill from there.

Oh how I hate life. Oh how I hate myself. I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate ME AND MY STUPID LIFE.

Well I did a load of laundry last night. Yay for me. At least my lazy fucking ass did something good.

I am sure you are sick of reading about T. and maybe even thinking to yourself, "dumb sar, doesn't she see that he hates her?" ...well too bad. I need to talk about it, if only briefly.

Like asking me to hang out then changing his mind, he's too busy, it's late, he's not sure.

Which of his friends should I fuck? I seriously hate him for making me feel this way and I want to HURT him. I want to HURT myself.

Oh god. Help me.

I am a horrible person. I lie, I steal, I cheat. I don't do simple homework assignments because I'd rather get high. I am going to hell. I think terrible thoughts. I am going to hell. God probably hates me.
Omg. Help me. helpmehelphelpme.

As I sit here typing, I am smoking more pot. I am feeling ugly inside and out.
At least I didn't binge last night.
At least ...what? How can I think happy thoughts when I can't find any? This week has been traumatizing. Last week was equally crazy. I thought 2010 was going to be a good year. Everything is wack.
Everything is unstable, including me.
I don't know what I'm about to do. I am out of control. When I drink I drink so much I black out. When I smoke I smoke all day to forget. To say, fuck it. Fuck the world.

I watched a sad movie about bulimia, "Sharing the Secret". I actually recommend it as thinspo. The main girl was beautifully thin. It's on youtube, in parts...check it out.

Ok today: class.class. lunch with K. (ugh, I might cancel). nap. (hopefully). work. sleep.

My heart hurts. It does. You can't make that up. It either hurts or feels normal. Just like with T, he either likes me or hates me, and he definitely doesn't like me. Maybe he likes men. I conclude that he hates me.

I'm sorry if you feel a little worse after reading these depressing words. I am dying here. I just want to reach out and touch you. I want my ears to stop ringing. I want to get a good night's sleep, without waking up a million times or hearing voices or feeling cold and lonely. I want to be loved. I want my dad to call me once in awhile. I want to have time to call my sister and brothers. Where did my time go? Where did I go? Sar? Helllooooo?????

Think thin. Always.
It is much better to feel satisfyingly skinny.
Thin is in forever.

Saturday, February 6, 2010


I think this is going to be short. I don't exactly know where to start.

Last night was weird. Today has been tumultuous...
Again, my expectations with T. were far too high, and so they of course came crashing down hard. Now my insides hurt. I have been walking through a haze, slightly blinded, a little deaf. I have not showered since Wednesday night.
I feel like a disgusting fool.

T. is such a flirt. Last night was ridiculous. We walked to the bar together but did NOT stay together in there. He has this weird clique of friends, these two chicks and one dude. I don't know if I've mentioned them before but they really seem to embrace a group mentality. It's odd and annoying. So T. basically kept hugging and talking to them as I pounded my drinks down and talked to whoever, flirted with some randoms, and felt like leaving every other minute.

I got smashed, and it was this other girl's birthday, our friend I suppose, and T. kept talking to her, exclaiming her name, "M! It's your birthday!" oh why do the little things like that hurt like a paper cut?

So the three of us stood outside after the bar closed, smoking a cigarette. They were talking, I was leaning against the wall wishing I was invisible, wishing I could fall into the ground or evaporate.

She offered him a ride home.

He, of course! said sure!!!!
He was so happy! A ride! Yay!

Fuck you dude you could have slept at my place. If you had even asked, or looked at me, or just smiled, I would have invited you, she just got to it first, damn her on her stupid birthday, i hate the world right now, fuck fuck fuck.

We started walking, me to my place, them to her car, same general direction until: an intersection. Left or Straight, T? He stopped. I stopped. She walked. I glared at him. He, obliviously, said "what?" Oh you know, I can't stand you, you're such a flirt.
I don't even know what I was talking about, but one thing stands out, clear as crystal. I said, "I like you and you don't like me, it's as simple as that." I was so blunt. He had really nothing to say to that, just oh that's not true.

I don't even know what I expect. My point is, last night is a blur. I have been an emotional wreck all day.

So last night after we parted ways, I came home and cried. I got a text from him, "what did I do?". I tried to call him, because my text messaging didn't seem to be working. I called four times, and got no response. I started crying and assumed he was hooking up with her.
I took a knife and slashed my left arm. I thought that I could die and it would be ok. I felt anguish over T. I felt nothing for myself.

I called B. (ex boyfriend who recently became a "friend"). I apologized because it was late. He made me a laugh, a little. He is able to calm me down. If he tries. Which he does, now. Not always when we dated.

I passed out. Dragged myself out of my bed. Went to my first class. I was standing in the hallway before class, and told myself to leave. I felt too sick and like giving up and just going home. I didn't. I stayed. And I'm glad I did. My teacher is a good one.

I skipped my second class (again) (shit).

I went to the dining center. First thing I ate today was 1/2 veggie panini, which came with a handful of potato chips and a pickle. A water. I ate most, just left behind some chips. It gets worse. I went back and got a slice of pizza, a salad, and a banana. The pizza I just craved, so I ate it but it was gross. I threw out the crust. I took the salad and banana home and ate those later, for dinner.

Then I got bored and went to the store. Bought a dvd and some snack foods. Came home and ate cheese and crackers. Lots. Then a 100 calorie Twix bar.

So you can imagine that my calorie count for the day is incredibly high. Well now I'm going to tell you (which you may have already guessed) but today was a stress binge. There was a murder in my little town. I am so freaked out. I've met and talked to the killer. He was a customer at my work. I feel sick when I think of this fact. I met a killer. He had the ability to kill which means that he could have stabbed me at any time on the job and not thought a word of it. Oh you guys....this came as a weird, eye-opening shock.
Plus T. and I got into a weird little texting fight. He loves accusing me of crazy shit, like giving out my number "three" times in the past few weeks. Like he cares. Like he notices.

All in all, strange day. And a binge day, making it worse. In my defense, I am starting my period. Shit always hits the fan around this time.
My apartment is a mess.
My friend is coming to visit tomorrow, we should have fun! Haven't seen her in awhile. Who knows what the night will bring...

I thought this was going to be short. There is just so much going on in my head. I need to try and get it out.
B. said it right, he said that when I drink I go to a bad/dark place in my head. It's true. I need to get some help.

Think thin.

Friday, February 5, 2010

I hate life.

Time to smoke. Time to write. Time to clean. Time to dress up. It's T. time.

Yeah, that's right. T. and I are meeting up either at the bar or somewhere else. I have knots in my stomach and a heavy chest. I am nervous, excited, high, soon to be drunk I hope. I still like him, and am obviously hoping to hook up. Shit. Probably won't happen, but I did ask him last night if he was interested in being friends with benefits.

Speaking off, I officially skipped two classes this week. It is only the second week of the semester, kind of an early start to my rebellious ways. I will be better about attending though, I know I will. I can't afford to fail any classes this semester, therefore I must go.

Hours later...
I forgot that I started typing this out. I just returned from the bar.
I hate life.

I hurt.

I want to die.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010


I'm exhausted. It's not even two, I've been up for hours. I am slowly becoming a morning person. Doesn't mean I love it.
Today was my second day at yoga (it's once a week) and I have to say, I felt huge. We stood on our mats in a large circle around the teacher and she kept inviting us to look around and check out each others posture. I can easily say three quarters of the class were fatter than me. But the remaining skinnier girls (and guys!) were killing me. I wish I could have seen my face from the outside. I am way too shy and self-conscious sometimes and I could feel my face grimace and my body kept trying to cringe and it just wasn't good.
But then we started standing meditation and breathing exercises, and I began to relax and focus on my core instead of my sludgy fat.
Needless to say I haven't ate since I've been back, and of course I want to. I've thought about it. I just am choosing not to eat because of how shitty I felt earlier.

T. and I talked on the phone for awhile last night (I called him, obviously...he wouldn't call me unless someone was holding a gun to his dick) and he told me he is not interested in pursuing anything "romantically" with me.


He wants to be friends. Well you know what bloggers? I can't. I have no interest in being only friends. Maybe I want all or nothing. Maybe I am a stubborn bitch. I don't know or care, really.

After we stopped talking in hushed tones about the state of us, our conversation lightened up. We laughed and joked. Then got off the phone and texted for 3 more hours.
But then today after yoga, like I mentioned, I was feeling edgy. As soon as it was done I felt disappointed, dangerously emotional and menstrual and cried in my car a little.
I got home and texted T.
I've deleted it so this is not verbatim:
"I'm too sad and can't do this. I can't just pretend these feelings never existed and be friends and act like that's ok. It hurts. Rejection hurts."

An hour later he just said

I will not reply. I deleted his phone number. I am not interested in feeling this pain. I need to forget I even met him. I need to not hate him. But I can't like him. There is no middle ground, unfortunately. There is no compromise here.
I think it is fucked up that him and Tom can hang out and smoke weed and act like everything's gravy. Even though they haven't talked about shit (me) (the new years eve situation). T. has no idea that Tom and I kissed again, but I did tell him last night that Tom told me that he likes me.
Just to hurt him, I suppose. Because I am hurting here, I am taking all the crap from T. about what happened on nye and obviously it takes two to kiss so what the fuck?? T. won't grace me with his presence but will continue to chill with Tom? UGH. Guys. Always siding with each other. Well I wasn't trying to fuck shit up. I just did. It wasn't just me, but everyone is acting like it was.

Sorry if this is confusing with all of the damn "T" names...I just need to drop these two like flies. I am not interested in either.

I keep reading in your blogs about February being a good month to lose ten pounds! Well I absolutely agreee!!!!

I will post more thinspo in preparation of the restriction!

In the meantime,
think thin.
Don't eat any sweets...try fruit. I have apples and oranges and canned peaches in lite syrup (which I drain out).
Exercise! Walk a little. Run in place. Jumping jacks. Plank position. Stretch. Stairs...up and down, up and down.
Ignore that rumble in your stomach, it will go away.
Lots of love to you.

Monday, February 1, 2010


I'm so fucking tense right now, I can't even breathe right. My shaky hands won't work correctly. I can't type, comb my hair, plug my phone charger in without dropping combs and chargers and just being a huge klutz.

I hate life right now.
My fucking cat, omg, does this all the time. I have a cup of water (always) and he jumps up and knocks it over. It has happened countless times. I never seem to learn. So this morning I was sitting in front of my laptop in a groggy state, and he did it AGAIN and spilled water all the fuck over my lap top, cell phone, desk, notebooks and folders...omg. omg. omg. I screamed, "god dammit" and "fuck you cat" but those curse words mean nothing to him. He doesn't know what he did wrong. I'm the big dummy who hasn't learned.

To make matters worse :SIGH: I just sent the nastiest message to T. Here's why...we talked all weekend, I thought things were gravy. He asked me to hang out last night once he got back in town. Never called. Apparently his car ran out of gas. He always has an excuse or reason as to why he hasn't come though.

A few hours later:

I went to class. I saw T. twice (of fucking course, I never see him on campus, today I would, of course). I am home now. We are exchanging angry texts. I am sick over this. Sick and tired.

Last night I binged hardcore. I ordered a white pizza (with broccoli, tomato, onion)...I ate 5 slices last night and 1 today. 6 slices in less than 24 hours...that is not normal/healthy.
I hate myself right now.

I can't type this. There is so much to save but I just want to hit "publish post" and move the fuck on. Next up for me? Going to campus to tell my teacher that I don't have the paper due today from last semesters incomplete in his class. Shit. Dreading this. Wish me luck. (That will make 2 F's for last semester). Yikes.

Stay strong. I'm not though. So I shouldn't be a hypocrite. Alright, just, have a good one. Peace.