well hello

well hello

Monday, June 30, 2014

Shades of cool

The last day of June, oh man oh my! I'll start by saying that I had an incredible weekend. Truly good. I love when that happens. Good things both nights.

Jake and I had a great time Saturday night. We took a cab down to this art installation/festival by the water. It was soo hot out and he made us both a cold icy mixed drink for the ride down. He is friends with the cab driver.

We pretty much immediately "cleared the air". I mentioned to you guys that it was most likely over with him because of thoughts I'd been having. He told me that he thought I never wanted to see him again and the day I texted him to take a walk he was en route to his parent's house a couple hours away. He seemed sincere.

Of course it was difficult for me to open up and be honest but I really needed to try. I told him the best version of the truth that I could come up with on the spot. What is the truth, you ask? Well...I assumed in my head that he wasn't interested because he wasn't meeting my stretched out expectations. There was a few awkward text exchanges that contributed to my assumption.

How do you tell a guy that you have expectations he can never meet?

You don't, and you can't, so you lie.

I blamed myself. I told him I was just confused and sometimes I get mad easily but I don't hold a grudge. There is absolutely truth to that but I believe at this point it's best for me to hold back a little.

So the night continued. We explored, danced, talked. He kept trying to touch me lightly on my arm or lower back but I stayed a little aloof, never letting him linger. Afterward we walked to a bar and had a beer. It was still so hot so we drank it fast out on the patio we had to ourselves. When people came out we left. We walked in the general direction of our houses even though they were miles away. We made it downtown and all the while everything had an adventurous feel to it.

We hit up another bar (we agreed that we felt sober from all the walking lol) and grabbed a cab a few blocks more. He bought us slices of pizza (plain cheese for me) and we walked about a half mile to his porch where we sat on rocking chairs and ate and talked some more.

He walked me to my door and we started kissing. It felt different then before but I would still describe it as passionate. It felt more intimate, with our foreheads grazing each other. Of course it turned super hot and I could've fucked him then and there. But I didn't. It was nearly 5AM and I went inside.

A fantastic night with the added bonus of exercise.

I do like him, you guys. It's scary to even admit it. Because when you admit it, it's there, it's not hidden anymore. The pursuit of love is a risk.

Seriously though, he's a great guy. He's interesting to talk to, generous, funny, attractive, patient, and so easygoing. I feel that we complement each other. I feel that we have been talking for over a month and I want this to keep going. This is where I remind myself not to freak out.

*deep breath*

I will focus on finding a job and not giving into the enticingly evil and eventual expectations that may creep up.

It's the last day of the month and I still haven't paid rent. I have a check that I will deposit and then there will be just enough. Work tonight. Must find another job. Keep your fingers crossed.


Saturday, June 28, 2014


Last night was awesome. Here's a rundown: Earlier in the week I had convinced my coworker to accompany me to a bar where three bands were playing including M's. We came to my place after work to blaze and I changed my outfit. We took a quick walk to the store so I could buy ciggies (bad Sar). Then we drove separate cars to a bar on the freaking east side. M's band was playing on the patio when we walked in. I love making eye contact with him while he sings.

The set finished. We drank overpriced Blue Moons with dirty oranges. We chatted then she wanted to leave. She has recently lost 30 pounds and is seeing a personal trainer Saturday mornings. We talk about weight loss a lot. We went out to her car for a quick "session" and then she drove off and I was alone. I went back inside since I paid a cover to get in, there were two bands left, and M. was floating around somewhere.

I grabbed a beer and stood by myself in the crowd of unfamiliar faces, swaying to the beat. At some point M. came over to me to shoot the shit but I found myself feeling aloof and wandering off outside. I made a few friends with some dudes smoking a bowl on the patio. The third band started so I went back in. They killed it! I was having a lot of fun dancing by myself but becoming more aware of the fact that I was alone and there were a couple randoms from college (also there for M's band) making me feel a little awkward but I kept my confidence and switched to drinking water.

The best part of the night is when M. and I made our way over to each other again for a quick private convo. We kept asking how each other was and how each other's night was going. Then the third band called him onstage to jam. Our eyes linked while the photographer was snapping his picture. It was a moment. They finished up and I left, having sobered up besides the pot, and I drove safely home.

I immediately stripped off my clothes, laid naked on my bed (still spending a lot of time naked), and texted M. and Jake (since I had seen his light on). Jake and I ended up having this hour long flirty and open text conversation. He told me that he thought I didn't want to see him again. I told him that I wanted to crawl into bed with him. So now, we're hanging out tonight after I get out of work.

Well, supposedly, Do plans made at 3AM still count? Hope so. I have to be at work in a hour and I haven't even showered but I'm about to. I just had to get this down. I loved last night. I loved doing something new with someone new. I loved that she left and I stayed, alone, at the bar. I love that M. and I are so cool. I love that I am the type of person who likes to make friends with strangers. I love freedom.

I love life, sometimes.

Today - baby carrots/hummus. whole grain melba crackers. spinach salad with parm cheese and italian dressing. 1 slice whole wheat bread with 1 slice pepper jack cheese. banana. 2 slices watermelon. coffee.

Pretty fucking healthy and that will be it for the day. Maybe drinks later.
Peace, loves.



Thursday, June 26, 2014

Am I wrong?

Today was the last day of school. I am officially working one part time job at 12 hours a week. I'm done being scared. Bring on the uncertainty.

Men, they come and go. Life is a series of people leaving. You know what this means...after a great date last week things with Jake have officially fizzled. Like I knew they would. Sucks being right.

Am I wrong? Could be. He could still care. I don't know, we held hands last week. We kissed rather passionately. We talked. Now it's me initiating text convos and him asking me to hang at midnight. I'm not your midnight booty call!!!! Today I asked him to take a walk around one in the afternoon. His answer was no, maybe later. I responded with "forget it!".

Over it. Trying anyway.

There's always music thank god. I'm obsessed with music.

Feeling thin today. The stress of being poor and heartbroken kill my appetite every time. Sadness is my muse. I've been writing more poetry.

The day looms ahead, long and frightening in it's unpredictability. So I'm going home. I will bring laundry. I will chat with my dad and mom and brother. I will hopefully get some money from them.

My body hurts. I'm hungry, haven't ate a thing today. Can't though. Why fucking bother.

Have a great day loves.
Listen to this?



Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Concert date tonight

Hello all. I'm in a decent mood - going to see the Arctic Monkeys with Jake this evening! He is driving! It's a date! I'm not sweating it though, just being cool. calm. collected. Until we start drinking, anyway.

Currently sipping some hot tea and sitting here typing naked. I've been spending a lot of time in the nude. Not sexy time unfortunately, it's just because the weather has been hot. The more time I spend naked the more I am able to focus on not overeating. Try it?

I am getting my "allergic to the sun" rash on my arms and forehead again, which blows, but deep breathing and cool showers seem to help.

Still no full time job, still working two part times and have two temp agencies looking for me. I'm trying. Maybe next time I write some shit will have changed.

Got to get ready, I want to be looking my best! He is so cute, he went to the store for ice, beer, and snacks and asked if I wanted anything. What he doesn't realize is that I don't plan to eat a thing. I told him "lemon warheads" (sour candy for those not in the states).

Today I ate: coffee (black). leaf lettuce and spinach salad with a bit of chopped up avocado, grated parm cheese, and light italian dressing. two slice of whole wheat bread with mustard, more chopped up avocado, and one slice of cheese. Filling and satisfying. Calories for the day are below 500. The beer tonight will bring me up into the thousands I'm assuming. I'll be strong though.

Think thin!
Love, Sar

Tuesday, June 10, 2014


Everything changes all the time. Whenever I go to write in this blog I realize that so much has happened it's impossible to put it all down in a few paragraphs. So I don't bother.

I'll leap into last night. M. asked me to chill and I went over there. It was groovy. We were doing lots of laughing and then we made out. He actually has me kinda hooked still.

Then I drove home and texted Jake. We went for a long walk. And...kissed. Not quite a make out sesh. He was super shy and actually shaking.

I kissed two guys in one night and that was not the first time in my life. I think it's normal to hook up with a few people at the same time when you're single.

In comparing the two, I prefer M. tenfold. There is just so much more chemistry.

Jake and I are friends but that's it.

I had therapy today, tuesdays every week. It's been going good. My therapist, Shannon, is a smart lady. I appreciate her guidance.

I've had such an insane craving for bbq sauce. I actually bought some today. Also vegetarian "chicken" nuggets to dunk in the bbq sauce. I had one serving (300 calories) with lots of bbq sauce. I have no idea why this craving is here but it's not gone yet.

New neighbor downstairs with loud ass barking dogs. At least two. Haven't met her yet. Already planning to move because I'm so annoyed by them.

As soon as I get a job.

Have a great day.
xx S

Saturday, June 7, 2014


A familiar heartbreak I haven't felt in weeks. It's twofold this time. Here's why:

C. and I had been taking a break, not talking or hanging out, under the guise of "perspective". Last night after work I bought two beers and a pack of cigarettes. I decided I wanted to get messed up. The beers were 22oz. I drank one and then texted C. to see if he wanted to join me. I went over there and we were alone for the first time in awhile. He sat there in silence. I attempted intellectual conversation. He asked to smoke and I provided. He played music and I sang along while he sat in silence. Getting the pattern? He is boring. I was getting drunk so I made the executive decision to put the moves on him.

I slid closer to him on the couch, he didn't move. I faced him and began running my hands over his body and saying sultry things like, "wanna have some fun?". His reaction? A boner and "I don't want a commitment." Uh, me neither. I was trying to lighten the mood. I tried to kiss him he gave me the cheek. Mortified, I turned to leave. We texted after I was home. I was upset for awhile but seeing him last night was like the final act of our play.

I am no longer interested in the slightest. I RARELY make the first move. I tried because of our history, because the moment maybe called for it, and because I was drunk and felt like having an adventure. He essentially rejected me. So...if we're not friends, and we're not fuck buddies, then we're nothing. And I'm ok with it, finally. Last night I was bored by his company. Last night I was reminded of how toxic he is. The only thing he even talked about was tripping on mushrooms last weekend. He is a dead end.

I mentioned that my heartbreak is twofold. Partly because of C. And partly because of Jake. As I mentioned, him and I have been talking for the past few weeks. A lot. I thought things were progressing nicely. Until yesterday. He and I were texting about getting together. All of a sudden he was being really unclear, saying he wasn't sure what was going on because some friends were coming into town. So I said something back via text that he didn't like. I said, "I'll make it easy for you - forget it, I'll make other plans." It was a moment of defiance. I was getting ready for work and just wanted to know if we were hanging or not, like he said we were. And...I haven't heard anything back since. I even texted him again later last night apologizing if I offended him. Still nothing.

Which brings me to today. I'm hungover from drinking on an empty stomach. I have nothing here to eat except for some random canned goods. I had my last potato this morning, stir fried breakfast-style with a little olive oil and garlic powder. Served with hot sauce. Also coffee. Needless to say I'm so hungry it's making me tired. I will spend a few dollars tonight after work on something. I have to get something in this house. I'm just so damn broke. Maybe tortillas and frozen mixed vegetables. It shouldn't cost too much.

My bank account hasn't been this low in a long time. It's getting scary. I just paid $318 for a traffic ticket which realllyyy hurt me this month. I can't pay any bills at all for a few weeks and they're all coming up being due next week. FML. Probably asking my parents for some money again. *sigh*

I have to get ready for work. I'm not doing anything tonight. Peace.


Sunday, June 1, 2014

Hello June!

It's a new month and I'm another day wiser. I'm about to get really superficial but you know I keep it real. I'm feeling good about myself, my looks, and my weight. I went to a house party the other night and weighed myself secretly upstairs in the bathroom on the digital scale. I'm down five pounds since the last time I weighed in. I feel really happy about that! The number could be even lower considering at that point in the night my stomach was full of alcohol!

Last night I went to a sweet show with a sweet guy. At one point I caught my reflection in the mirror and felt beautiful. It felt so rare; I'm cherishing it. I wore a really cute dress and felt very confident in it. I've been cutting my own hair and it's growing out really nicely. My face looks way better when I'm thinner. Seriously dropping those few pounds gave my face a chiseled glow that I appreciate and crave to keep.

The plan is to keep it up. Restricting just a little to feel the pleasure of the burn.

I'm high on life.
It has been a great weekend.