Lessons learned

Oh, it hurts. My heart has been broken by a man I barely even knew. It was all just a few months.. In the grand scheme of things, this is nothing. A blip in the radar. In my present reality, this is everything. My memories of this summer are him. My attachment has wrecked my weeks lately. 

Let me back up. Things started so promising. We connected. I felt seen and attractive. I felt curious and open. He told me he loved me when he came here. He said it in such a sweet and earnest way. "There's no other word that describes what I'm feeling so I'm just going to say it, I love you S.". (Turns out, there are plenty of other words such as infatuation, desire, limerence, but I digress...). I was taken aback but flattered. I didn't say it to him because I didn't feel it, but I didn't necessarily question his feelings. I trusted that he was being honest. Why would he not be honest? 

LOL. Girl. Can you tell I've been out of the game for awhile? Why would he not be honest? Why indeed.

We spent our days together, we spent our nights together, we slept together. And then he went home. We had our first fight. And then our second. And then our third. Things changed. But we had a special trip coming up, something he had planned for us. First class flights across the country for a romantic weekend in a fabulous city. It got cancelled. And then it was back on. Things grew volatile. Finally, the night before the trip, we called it off again. It was 4pm on a Thursday and I was supposed to get on a plane Friday morning at 6am. I was devastated. But my heart had been busy falling in love so there was a tiny voice inside that said maybe we could still pull it off.

So off we went. And it was great at first. The first hug when we saw each other. Holding hands. Kissing. A kiss that felt just unfamiliar enough. Long distance is so weird. But the cracks began to show. There was a moment where his ex popped up on his phone. There was a moment where I felt PMS and hangry. We were together 24/7 so far from home and we made the best of it. There were some beautiful romantic moments that I have never experienced until him. These are the moments my heart still holds with so much bittersweet pain and sorrow.

The day we got home is the day it ended officially. But have you ever had one of those breakups that drag out for weeks due to one or both providing mixed signals? Yeah, that happened. I will just say that I have cried every days for weeks and the tears seem to be endless. The pain is so harsh. I think at this point I am grieving both relationships ending and maybe this was always going to be my fate. Alone and crying. Heart aching and no one to witness my pain. Limited support from the outside. A brain that won't shut the fuck up. A heart that feels confused over the emotional whiplash of being loved and then abandoned and treated with the utmost disregard. A newfound knowledge of "avoidance". A list of things I don't like about him. An empty bottle of wine on a Tuesday. A dwindling supply of smoke. Puffy eyelids. A frown and eyebrow furrow. Pain in my breasts because my period is coming again. That's how long it's been since I've seen him, almost a full menstrual cycle.

Jesus. It feels like there is no way out of this pain. I wake up, sobbing. I let it out for a bit and then smoke to dull the intensity. Which it does, briefly. My eyes well and my nose gets stuffy and I let out a few tears every once in awhile. I wail "fuck you T." I lean my body and head against the wall and press hard. I pick up my cat and hug him. I walk around aimlessly, with no motivation to do anything. The dishes pile up. The dust collects. I don't crave much, but I have binged on some candy. The sugar hit briefly gives me a lift and then I'm falling back down, into the deep dark pit of despair where I currently reside like a rejected troll.

Please let there be light at the end of the tunnel. I don't know how much more I can take.