I wanna be in the mountains

It's been a minute since I've blogged. Obviously life here in America has been pretty intense the last couple weeks post-election. I had my days of sadness, wine, and weed. I've since become more accustomed or perhaps even numb to it all. 

Things with my man have improved greatly. We actually started couples therapy together. In a few weeks, we are headed south for a long weekend away. 

Work sucks. They've really put me through the ringer this year and I'm soo over it but hanging on best I can. It's not the best time to job hop with all the instability. I'm open to opportunities still of course, but have tried to change my attitude a bit. 

It pays to play by the rules, sometimes. I need the money after buying my beautiful new car and I'm still chipping away at my thousands of dollars in student loans almost 15 years out of college. Once K. and I move in together I will be able to get rid of these debts much quicker but I recognize that on my own I've really come a long way. My credit score is in the 800s! 

Other good things: my elderly cat is still healthy and very loving. My relationships with my tight "old school" group of girlfriends have all evolved in a positive manner. I am getting better at being true to myself. I am getting better at noticing my emotions. I am making strides in therapy. We have ruled out BPD - for awhile I was sure I had it. But my therapist who I've been with many years has assured me I do not. He reiterated the PTSD diagnosis of my early 20s, which continues to be relevant. I continue to work on improving.

Some bad: I am totally addicted to pot (still). It's dark at 5PM and cold. Relations with my parents have been strained and my dad is very sickly. I'm being under-utilized at my job which results in me feeling bored sometimes. I'm struggling to make even the smallest decisions lately. Like legit torn and it's paralyzing. My body and face are aging sooo much. I look so bad. That's what I'm constantly telling myself. Haven't weighed in a couple months but I have 100% gained 5-10 pounds since January. 

Maybe I'll weigh tomorrow. Just to give myself something cohesive to work with. I want to get a better body. I want to get a better mind. They go hand in hand.

Ta ta for now.

Love & Peace.

Sar