How can my life and feelings and attitude change so much?
T. and I talked at the bar last night, and on the phone for an hour after, and today when we met for coffee.
Surprise, surprise.
No seriously. I don't know why. You guys know where I was last time I wrote; I had deleted him from my life.
But when I was at work last night, he texted me. We exchanged back and forth for a few hours, then I mentioned the bar I was going to with my neighbor. Then he showed up there.
At first I ignored him and talked to others. He eventually said, "You can't just pretend I'm not here." What? You noticed?? So then we started talking and smiling and joking and quasi-bickering, while others looked on and attempted to interrupt. T. and I ignored them though. We continued until I left with my friend so she could get food (nothing for me, thanks). My phone beeps a few minutes later, it was T, texting:
"I wanted to kiss you."
I said, "Same, come smoke with us."
So he came over and it was a group of us at my neighbors place. Including Tom, T, and me. Ha. First time for that awkward situation.
Needless to say, the group dispersed and went their separate ways. I went upstairs and called T. That was when we talked and it was helpful I think, except we were both drunk. He a lot more wasted than I.
Today we got coffee. He is at work now. He invited me to come over after (midnight). I am going to go there.
Sigh.
Deep breath.
Should I do this?? Should I risk it??
My feelings are so jagged and rocky and mixed and messed up. I just want to be happy. I don't want to be played with. Oh you guys, my heart. It tends to show up on my sleeve and my face when I look at T. He's fucking gorgeous. It's not fair.
I can't. I just need to finish this post, find a conclusion. In all honesty my stomach is in nervous knots and I am apprehensive and worried about T. flirting with female coworkers. I am just always worrying about everything. What I will do is the dishes. I will also put away some clothes. I will also clean the cat litter. Ok. A plan. A purpose.
I feel sick.
What is love? Will I ever know?
Think thin.
I love feeling my bones.
Don't you?
1 comment:
Hmm.. it's rather late to be commenting now, but I think you should go :) I think you should go hang out and have fun, and enjoy yourself. Maybe it'll hurt later, and maybe it won't make anything better. But you'll have had a good time with T. and can look back on it and be okay with it. Don't let the fear of the maybes stop you from doing something that you know is good, that you want.
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