Crushing blow

Hello World. I'm currently sitting on my bony ass and listening to the Beatles while chewing the inside of my lips and mouth raw. I'm also smoking. I caved and bought again even though my therapist thinks I should quit and I told him I would try. I suppose it'll take time.

I feel like I've been eating too much. My mom said the other day that I look like I've "lost weight". I told her I have. She said, "it's not like you were big before". I said nothing but thought to myself, lies.

I bought a pair of size 4 jeans, and a size 3/4 skirt last weekend. They fit perfectly. I am smaller yes, but my belly remains (in my eyes). I've been eating kind of shitty and it's stressing me out.

I am distracted by the onslaught of this intense crush on D., the guy at work. My attraction towards him has been steadily growing, thanks to some conversations, laughs, and heavy eye contact and work is just a million times better, haha. He is hot! but not in a conventional way, and he's funny and smart.

I don't like him. I don't! I just want to do him. Is that so bad?

I just need to stop getting weak in the knees in his presence. I stroll by his desk constantly (the way the room is designed, (un?)fortunately) and suddenly I forget how to walk. I have to chant walk,walk in my head so I don't jump him, or stop to talk, or something! What is with me?

Rebound much? He's definitely aware that I recently got out of a relationship and hopefully he doesn't think I'm too nutty for getting a tad gaga around him these days! Who cares what he thinks? Not me, not really. Trying not to, I mean. 

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In other news, I phucking love music.

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pEacE

<3

Xo ~ Sar