My heart beats rapidly the second I open my eyes from sleep

I'm in a mood. I'm hungry. I hate love this feeling. Will I eat? Probably, a little something. Only because I just worked 8 hours, I'm getting over being sick, and my body needs some fuel. Just a bit.

I'm definitely losing weight again, my ribs are pretty defined. I enjoy looking at them. My skin is unfortunately freaking out. At first I thought it was heat rash, but now I'm thinking it's anxiety. My racing heart and inability to breathe normally and paranoid thoughts speeding through my brain are driving me crazy. It's enough to make me nauseous. I've swallowed down puke several times. I don't deserve that easy release. Plus it fucks with my teeth. And we all know how vain I am.

I don't know how long it's been since I posted, but I can assure you that much has happened. For starters, I went camping for that music festival last weekend. It was fun! And I hooked up with J. (my most recent ex-boyfriend). Lovely, right? No sex, thank the Lord, but pretty damn close. And then the next day we held hands and acted all cuddly for the fireworks.

So yeah, I'm confused. I was just FINALLY getting over him, and all the breakup drama, and now we are meeting Friday night for a drink and a talk about what happened?!

It's not that I want to get back together, as of right now I am pretty certain that I'm not ready for a relationship. I just would like to know how he feels about what happened. I would like to discuss why that shit went down, and try to make it clear that we can't just "hook up" whenevs. It does play with my heart and that sucks. We will hopefully set some boundaries and hey, I'm open to what the future brings should he desire to rekindle. Not that my hopes are up or I have any sort of expectations..

Somewhere in my mind or soul or heart or wherever subconscious thoughts lay, I feel like I love him. But that's ridiculous, right? It can't be love. I always think it's love. We're not even DATING for crying out loud. We are nothing, barely friends. And yet, last weekend there was still something there.

*Sighs*

I'm going to pack a bowl and call it a night. Thanks for listening.
Think thin =)

XO
~Sar