It's so embarrassing to need someone like I need you

I'm free at last. Tonight was it, no more work. I was super emotional but my attempts at composure surely were noticed.

I'll miss most of them, some of my coworkers were absolutely wonderful. Especially one, a married man, who I'm reluctantly realizing that I had a total emotional affair with.

Christ. What is wrong with me? Over the past year he became my confidant, my buddy. The weird thing is that I was never attracted to his outside appearance. It just felt like we had so much in common, and we both love music, and dig the Flaming Lips, and his wife is a vegetarian so we talk tofurkey, blah blah, etc, etc. I never mentioned him on here, because it really was only a work thing, not sexual in any way.

Saying goodbye to him was an entire day's process. He sat by me and made conversation for hours, resulting in him admitting that he'd miss me. It was awkward, but special in a way. I consider him a coworker turned great friend. I'm just surprised with myself, I guess. I've felt like giving him my email address or something, but I didn't. Of course not. He's married and that's that.

Because I've been down that road. It's not pretty. It leaves ugly scars and forever affects your relationships with everyone. 

In other news, after work, I met up with E. That was...interesting. And that's all I'll say in case he finds this. I told him about it, haha. But the likelihood of him finding it is slim. So let's just say that I want to see him again, even though we live in "different counties".

But distance is distance, and I've been keeping it. From everyone. I've also been argumentative and petty. Tonight I got in two "fights" with two of my closest friends, at different times, regarding completely different circumstances. It was awful.

I'm...awful.

***

~S