One more sip of cough syrup

I've gained - I'm ashamed. That's what sitting on my ass day after day will do. Speaking of my ass, it's getting bigger. Speaking of bigger, my stomach is disgusting. I'm getting fat and it's stressing me out.

I'm having one of those days where I hate myself. It's not pretty. I'm blasting music (specifically, music from Glee - yes I am a dork) and sitting here hunched over at my desk in my hoodie and pajama pants. It's three in the afternoon.

No callbacks, no interviews, no prospects. My hope is fading and it's depressing. It's been almost a month without work, and I'm sure this blog is boring because I am boring. I'm a bored boring unemployed loveless asshole. And did I mention my Dad and I had a huge blowout a couple weeks ago? We haven't spoken since. Which makes living together extremely uncomfortable and terrible. Daddy issues, much?

No wonder I haven't found a guy. I hate my Dad which carries over into my romantic relationships. Meaning I hate men. *Sighs* Goddammit. When will I fix this? The only thing keeping me afloat is therapy. Every three weeks like clockwork. My therapist is fucking helpful. I wish I could see him every week, but money is sort of an issue. I wish I could call him during moments like this. But what would I say? I hate myself, I hate my life, I hate my Dad, I hate the world.

I'm hurting. I'm trying to stay positive (yeah right, you're probably thinking) but it's damn near impossible on days like today. I have shit to do but I don't feel like it. I have no one to talk to right now. Everyone is at work. Oh cruel world, please offer me a olive branch. A chance. A job offer. A friend.

I want to work. I want to contribute to society. I don't want to sit home and suffer, I don't want to feed my fat, I don't want to be crippled by my addiction to marijuana.

I want to stop hating myself. But right now I don't know how. Every time I light up, every time I binge eat, every time I sleep in and don't shower for hours because why not? nowhere to go no one to see, every time I open my eyes from an afternoon nap, every time I look in the mirror, I hate me. Every time I text my ex-boyfriend, every time I daydream about a better life when the dull one I have consumes me, I am miserable. Every minute of every day of every week of every blunt of every sip of beer I am grotesque. Lord help me.

OK I'm officially bored. I need a job. Haha, I'm sure you knew that was coming. It's been 2 and 1/2 weeks of "vacation/self-discovery/laziness/party mode". I am ready for routine and weekly paychecks. I must be patient and remember all my reasoning for taking this leap. If only my marijuana-muddled mind would comply.

I feel so.

That feeling. Maybe they don't actually want what's best for you. Maybe they just want you to fulfill their lives unmet expectations and goals. Maybe they are secretly sabotaging you. Maybe they hate you, maybe they hate that you're pretty and smart and externally confident. Maybe they hate themselves. Maybe they wish they were divorced and dating anew. Maybe they didn't really want kids but thought they should conform. Maybe they dropped you as a child and live with the guilt. Maybe they fed you orange Hi-C in your little kid cup or sweets for snacks because of their ignorance. Maybe they have no idea how to be a parent, even though you are their 3rd. Maybe they truly don't know what they're doing to you. Maybe they know but maybe they don't give any kind of shit.

*Looking for a bridge to jump off*

The weather is thunder

Thanks for the birthday wishes. I'm feeling considerably better today. It's raining cats and dogs and I'm glad, because we need it. My mood is somewhat stable, I've received lots of love via text and Facebook - which makes me feel popular. Anything feels better than lonely and depressed. E. continues to text me. Don't think I've heard the last of him, but it's ok if I never see/hear from him again. Because I deserve better, and furthermore I'm not really wanting a serious commitment at the moment. Doesn't mean I'd pass it by, but I'm trying to prioritize. 

My focus has for too long been on men and dating and finding love and pursuing crushes. I'm putting all that jazz on the back burner, starting now. I'm 26 and it's about time I grow up a little.

I'm wearing a pink party dress and about to go get some Thai food with the family. Hope you're all having a good day.

XO

~S

Nothing is everything

Depressed again and tomorrow is my birthday. I've been talking (or so I thought) to E. since May and we just finally had our "blow out", meaning I screwed things up to a point that cannot be fixed, and he no longer wants anything to do with me. I hoped for more, did my best to prolong it all, sent him a nude pic, and got rejected. Again.

Christ, this has been a string of rejections for how long? Two years? A lot of fucking years. I am the common denominator; I am flawed.

Needless to say I'm feeling pretty bad for myself on this birthday eve. I'll be 26, with no job and no romantic prospects in sight. GOD DAMMIT! This is not what I want.

Am I so pathetic that I still want him to want me, I still want to fuck him, I still want it all but it's just so out of reach!?

I'm getting older but perhaps not wiser. I need to be better. I WILL. I WILL PROVE EVERYONE WRONG AND MAKE EVERY GUY WHO HAS EVER REJECTED ME REGRET THE DAY HE PUSHED ME OUT OF HIS LIFE.

Or, I'll just do me. Live for me and no one else, only family.

***

Tonight: I'm going to smoke and maybe watch ''Breakfast at Tiffany's''. Audrey Hepburn is so beautifully thin, it's very inspiring.

Tomorrow: I'm going to wake up with a smile on my face, eat a nice breakfast with coffee, shower, and do something, anything, to fill the time. And then dinner with my family and drinks after with my friends. For me. To celebrate me.

I need to be happy, I need to be ok. I need to keep moving, and stay strong, and be smart.

~Peace