The Squirming Coil

Good morning and happy Sunday! Oh how I love the weekend and being off work. My job stresses me out, and depending on the time of month, I get serious about quitting. Pretty sure I have PMDD, a cyclical mood occurring before my period starts. A week or two before my period I become more miserable, moody, anxious, and depressed. I feel like: quitting my job, dumping my boyfriend, deleting friends and family who annoy me from social media, selling/throwing out all my possessions, and moving. Lol. It's pretty dramatic. Like clockwork, my boyfriend and I fight. 

But today I am bleeding and happy. Those crazy feelings really seem to cease when my period begins. It's wild. A few more days til vacay! I can't wait! In the meantime, I've been keeping lists and shopping and cleaning and packing and daydreaming! The ocean calls me!! I am answering the call.

I really should find a focus for this blog. I feel like I'm all over the place here. But I guess it doesn't matter. This is my outlet. Blogger has been here for me since 2008.

Let me back up a bit, and start over. It's Sunday. I am drinking coffee and about to blaze. I relish this feeling of freedom. Me and my man are getting together later. He always sleeps a bit later than me, so I'll get a call in the next hour I'd guess. We're pretty predictable. We are falling in love. We are days away from our first ever romantic getaway as a couple. I really can't wait. Not just because I love where we're going, but because I love getting so much quality time with him, without distractions like work and life.

I do hope and kinda expect to marry this man. I've said this about nearly every man I've ever dated but it's different with him. He is my best friend. We laugh, and talk, and walk, and play music, and have similar interests but different hobbies which keeps it interesting. He is hot. I am still in disbelief that I have a boyfriend! After years of dickwads. Finally! He likes me! He loves me! He thinks I'm someone worth being with! He bought me flowers the other day! What the hell?! How did I get this lucky?! After alllllll the horrible mistakes I've made? Like I said.. disbelief. I wonder when that'll fade. 

I deserve it though, that's what I gotta remember. I deserve love and happiness, same as anyone. Same as you! We all do. 

Not everything is perfect of course. Our recent fight sucked. I am working on the fighting issues with my therapist. I look back on my life and see the pattern. Every relationship had fighting, mostly due to my out of control rage, and it always was a reason for it to end. I refuse to allow that to happen again but if it does it will be my greatest punishment. 

My therapist has been a godsend. Even though I have come so far, I have soooo far to go. My therapist always makes a comment like "It's good that you're aware" and my response is always "It's been a lifetime of this". I am sick of it. I want to be well.

Needless to say, for now things are good. We are excited for our trip and fun things happening this summer. I am ok with work, my home, my life. 

Do I look in the mirror and literally hate the way I look daily? Yes. But, I am working on that too. We live in a superficial society, unfortunately. That is just a fact. The older I get the more I compare myself to the younger beauties of this world. It's so stupid! I hate comparing myself and yet do it constantly. Weight, hair, skin, clothes, teeth, shoes, all of it. But looks don't matter, right! At least they fuckin shouldn't. But we all know they do. 

My goal is to find some sort of acceptance with my looks and aging. I have a pretty deep understanding that to age is much better than to pass away young. I have experienced much loss, and when it's young people it's just so brutal. Therefore, I am profoundly aware of my luck for continuing existence.

I just wish I could have prettier hair. I got a bad cut about two months ago (side bangs) and it's been messing with my head so I've been taking scissors to the length. Also, the grays. Omg the grays.

Accept it Sar! Own it! You have curly hair, love it! It's never going to look like someone else's hair. I am unique, I am miraculous, I am happy, healthy, wealthy, lucky, loved!!! Goddammit.

I'm hyper. More later. Much love to you!