Screwed up

If you want the truth, if you can handle it, then here it is: today I binged. Horribly. It was a  bad, big, binge.

I counted my calories, obviously. It is midnight and this day from hell (tuesday) is over. I'm wasting space so you can't see this on the reader page. OK. Deep breath. I just figured it out using a calculator, and today, from midnight last night to midnight tonight, I ate 4,025 calories.

An even number. An ungodly amount for sure. I am a fat ass failure. I refuse to purge it up. Puking hurts and I don't deserve to let any of those calories I stuffed in come out. I am going to sit here and think about what I did and why I ate so much today and what the fuck happened here.

I feel physically sick. My stomach is pressing out and my head hurts and I'm thirsty so I'm sipping water and everything is wrong wrong wrong today.

I hate myself right now. HATRED. I can't believe I screwed up so badly today. Never again...

I swear that tomorrow will be better. I swear that I will not mess this all up.

I'm going to listen to some music and smoke a little in my bedroom because I just don't give a fuck. Maybe I'll fast tomorrow, either way, I need a job first and foremost. What if I promised myself not to eat until I've gained employment? That'd really be something. Too bad I'm such a little pussy.

I hate myself right now and there's nothing or no one that will adjust that. I haven't talked to either of my parents. I need the weekend to be here so I can go do something like hook up with a random in hopes of increasing my worth.

Ostracize me. Hate on me. Give me all you've got. I deserve your hell hand-in-hand with my self-inflicted wounds.

Be better than stupid ass me. Be thin. Think thin.

--Sar--