It's 4/19 - got a minute?

I'm so fucking angry, all the time. Every day is a new adventure.. will I be ok? Or will I wake up in a shit mood, thinking shit thoughts, treating people and myself like shit? Today it's the latter. I didn't want to get out of bed (I never do). I didn't clean up at all last night so my kitchen is a mess. I didn't go grocery shopping last night so I have no coffee or yogurt. I did smoke tons of weed, and now I'm out. I did lay around staring at the internet, and now my eyes feel strained. But I rose, and got up, and wiped down the counter, and drove my ass to the coffee shop for a large coffee and a croissant, and came home to start work. 

I'm fed the fuck up with work to be honest. I want to be happy at my job, but I am feeling ignored by my manager. I had attempted to negotiate my raise again, like I successfully did last year, but so far have been ghosted. It has been almost three weeks. I followed up once. My motivation has tanked. I am doing the bare minimum at a slower pace. I have so much to do and I know I'm slipping up. Even now, it's 1:30PM and I should be at my work desk, but I'm here on the couch on blogger. Cat sleeping next to me. He looks so comfy and cute.

I wish I could be happy. I started a fight with K. We are not speaking. My neck hurts - I have chronic neck pain. My period started this morning. It was two days late. Every time it has been late, ever since I got knocked up in 2014, I always wonder if I'm preggers again. But nope. Never again. Period always comes. It's probably for the best. It's not like we're trying to get pregnant. But I do want kids someday. Except, that window is shutting fast. I'll be 37 this year.

It hurts, to say that out loud and internalize the very real repercussions. I likely won't have children of my own. It's weird, because as far back as I can remember, way back to when I was a little girl playing "house", I always wanted to be a mom. I was always the mom. I have a innate nurturing ability. I care about stuff.

Just not, apparently, my self. I have neglected chores and work and a shower. I have been in a major depressive episode for what feels like months. I'm taking care of my cat, barely. Just dialing it in for the rest.

Do you ever check your ex's socials? We broke up in late 2021. He came crawling back in Summer 2022. Haven't seen or spoken since. But yesterday I checked his twitter. Dude has become one of those thirsty "reply guys" and liking girl's selfies. It's gross! He looks so pathetic! Why do I care? Why did I check? Why does it bother me?

Well, probably because I didn't take the time to really get over him and the relationship, as I met K. very quickly after we split. Yes, me and K. took things VERY slow and really built our relationship from the ground up, and yes he knew I was fresh out of a relationship. But I still feel this slight tug within, that tells me I probably should've waited longer before going on dating apps. Can't take it back, and I was very transparent with K. about not wanting him to be a rebound. I don't think he was. But I do think that we probably met too soon. But that's how life goes sometimes. And last summer, when D. came back, telling me he loved me and wanted us to give it another shot, I was open with K. I was open with myself. I took space from K. and realized that he was the one I wanted to be with. I tried my best to be authentic and honest with both of them, and also myself. I made my choice.

I'm only human and it's exhausting to be. I want to be better. I want to be the best. But I am so fucking far from it, it's disgusting. I really unleashed on K. today. We have terrible fights sometimes. We both struggle with past demons. Sometimes it brings us closer, sometimes it pushes us apart. It's hard. My gut is hinting to me that I should suck it up and call him. But I literally told him not to call or text me today, I told him I hated him, I hung up on him. Why, you might ask? Because I was punishing him. I felt that he was acting distant last night. Truth is, we talked all day yesterday, he's having a rough go with work too, and he's stressing about his doctor's appointment tomorrow. He shut down a little last night and I was hurt, because I tried to be there for him. Encourage and support him through it all. And it felt like he didn't acknowledge or appreciate it. That triggers me.

I'm tired. I gotta work but all I want to do is get in bed and shut my eyes and wake up in a different life or in a different place or just wake happy and rested. *huge sigh*

Just had to vent. 

-S.