Thoughts

Weighed in twice now at 120. Guess that's my new weight. I am thin. I am not particularly happy or any which way about it. I am turned off by how baggy all of my clothes are. It makes me look bigger than I am to wear baggy clothes. I need to go shopping so bad for work clothes but I can't seem to make myself. It is a mix between sheer exhaustion and nervous about spending money. Silly reasons huh. I'm a girl, I should love to shop.

D. and I are still off. Shit got better, briefly...then very bad. The cops were involved. It sucked but no charges or anything, just warnings. I have been on tinder, a dating app for your phone. I chat with a couple dudes, one more than most. Nothing serious and half of my heart (honestly) still belongs to D.

I am playing with fire is how it feels. D. and I had unprotected sex several times in the last few weeks and now I am waiting again for my period to come. It is supposedly coming next week-ish. There is no way in fuck I am pregnant again. If it happens...well. No. I refuse to think about it right now. No need to stress myself out. Fingers fucking crossed though. It's funny how, after everything, the months of bleeding, etc..how I could be hoping for the blood. Life is weird. Hope so bad I'm just being paranoid.

Still smoking bundles of weed and cigs. Insurance again soon and I'm ready to get back in therapy. I need it.

Work is going well. I've had some fun times with friends. Bridal showers and weddings to go to this summer. My hair is growing out a bit. I've lost thirty freaking pounds. Needless to say, this may be the best I've looked in quite awhile. I was looking at some older pics of myself. From like two to five years ago. I was definitely heavier and very clearly needed to lose weight. I think that is partly why it shed off so fast too. I have always been thin, tall and thin. Skinny as a kid. Stick girl they called me in middle school. This may just be my natural body type.

Let's be real here too, I have had a pro ana and mia mindset for EVER. At some point that shit sticks. It changed the way I look at food, how I think about it, my portions, my restaurant ordering, eating with a significant other or friends, what I buy, what I "don't eat", what I "crave"...it goes on and on. It's everything and for me I have just accepted that I will never "binge" (like I was doing) again. I will CERTAINLY never throw up again. That was too awful.

I'm at my happy weight. 120. Not bad.

xx