Smoke sesh & ruminations.

A lot has been going on! Days have been flying by and my weight has been fluctuating, as usual.
First, I met someone last Saturday at work! T. is tall *a plus*, dark, and handsome. AND over a year older than me!!! This is ideal, and he is nice. We have texted every single day since then. We chilled outside of work as well. The downside? We work together. He just broke up with his girl...ex-girl now. And I don't know when, exactly. And I don't want to be a rebound fling!!
Sigh. It's not like I am ready for a relationship. I am scared to death of commitment and maintaining close relationships. I have no self esteem, ha. The idea of a stranger touching me in a sexual, naked kind of way just makes me shiver and blush. I am too nervous now. I have been off my meds for over a week (zoloft); I think I might be crazy as fuck, or close to it. Also, my body is not perfection. Not even close.

So last night he texted me telling me he thought I was beautiful, "in terms of looks and personality". I am not sure what to think. I know that guys are generally more straight forward, so maybe there is no extra meaning. Maybe he is attracted to me? The me inside? Scary. I feel like a badass next to him. I have done countless drugs and encountered some extremely adult experiences. Shit. He is older but younger. I don't know, I don't even know him. How can I judge him? We only "talk" through texts. What is that? What was this world of dating like without text messages??

So we went to the bar last night. I had previously pregamed with some friends; drinking, smoking, blowing lines, etc.- the norm with K. So I was out of mind, then I met up with T. and took a shot and drank a beer. After everything else? I don't know how I walked. I don't know how I talked. All I remember doing is flirting with every guy there, well not every guy...but G. (who I previously hooked up with, aka huge d!c&) and A. Muahaha I was all over A. But I was there with T. and I left with T.

This is starting to sound like a math problem. Fuck it.

Bottom line? I drank so much I puked this day away. Down to the acid. Oh it hurt, and it still hurts. But I couldn't eat or keep water down. Finalllllly I ate some brown rice and green beans. LoL..that just sounds ridiculous. But it is what I had in the house. When hungover, I crave the good stuff, like blueberry pancakes, ice cold orange juice, anything with carbs really. My body was depleted of nutrients and when I finally started to feel hungry again I just didn't want to stop at the healthy stuff.. So I left in search of dinner.

This. Gets. BAD.
I drove to DD's and got a wonderful egg white veggie flatbread and a skim latte.
(I was craving breakfast food)

I shoulda coulda woulda stopped there. But you know me.
I drove to Taco Bell and ordered a fresco bean burrito and a water. I sat in my car and devoured it. Oh my God. At this point I was on autopilot; at this point I was fucking blind. I justified my actions, "Egg whites and beans are important and good for me". Ha! It doesn't even end now.
Nope, no happy ending here, folks.
I am literally laughing out loud: I drove to McDonalds...WTF? I got a MEDIUM french fry with ketchup!!!!! WTFwtfWtF?
I drove home, kicking myself, feeling like a gluttonous elephant, feeling no control over my world, just feeling like shit.
But somehow, I brightened. Probably because my stomach was at least empty when I started. I could have gotten more, drove somewhere else, but I stopped myself. I mean, please don't get me wrong: stopping at three (3) fast food places is absolutely terrible and useless, not to mention the money spent on junk food could have been spent on a new belt. Or cute knee socks. Or even earrings. I am just happy I didn't go for a donut, which I definitely thought about. Small victory.

Since I am being so open, I am going to go in for the kill. At work, on my break, I got an egg salad sandwich. Do you hate me yet? How could I fail like this?? All the time... I know that none of us are pathetic and desperate. And yet we all succomb to tempation with little to no regard of the consequences! I can really only speak for myself. I just know that I read your blogs! And I feel like we are all riding this wave, sometimes hitting the peak and floating weightlessly across the world, and sometimes rough, choppy bottom waters bounce us around unpredicatably. All I know is that my cravings get intense and sometimes I really just need to satisfy them. I wanted eggs today, apparently. Note to self: get egg beaters.

I cannot believe how much I ate today. Let's review the list:
1 cup of brown rice (170)
green beans (85)
egg white flatbread (300)
fresco bean burrito (350)
french fries (450)
egg salad sandwich (325)
latte (150)
*approximate calorie counts* Total for today: 1830 calories holyshit. But not too bad...considering.....I purposely got the advertised "healthier" option at DD's & TB. The fries were just a comfort thing.

Well I have rambled on enough. I worked late tonight, I haven't ate since that sandwich, and now it is time to sit back and relax with my bowl and my cat.

Stay strong, all. I will too.
**Peace**