Depressed again and tomorrow is my birthday. I've been talking (or so I thought) to E. since May and we just finally had our "blow out", meaning I screwed things up to a point that cannot be fixed, and he no longer wants anything to do with me. I hoped for more, did my best to prolong it all, sent him a nude pic, and got rejected. Again.
Christ, this has been a string of rejections for how long? Two years? A lot of fucking years. I am the common denominator; I am flawed.
Needless to say I'm feeling pretty bad for myself on this birthday eve. I'll be 26, with no job and no romantic prospects in sight. GOD DAMMIT! This is not what I want.
Am I so pathetic that I still want him to want me, I still want to fuck him, I still want it all but it's just so out of reach!?
I'm getting older but perhaps not wiser. I need to be better. I WILL. I WILL PROVE EVERYONE WRONG AND MAKE EVERY GUY WHO HAS EVER REJECTED ME REGRET THE DAY HE PUSHED ME OUT OF HIS LIFE.
Or, I'll just do me. Live for me and no one else, only family.
Tonight: I'm going to smoke and maybe watch ''Breakfast at Tiffany's''. Audrey Hepburn is so beautifully thin, it's very inspiring.
Tomorrow: I'm going to wake up with a smile on my face, eat a nice breakfast with coffee, shower, and do something, anything, to fill the time. And then dinner with my family and drinks after with my friends. For me. To celebrate me.
I need to be happy, I need to be ok. I need to keep moving, and stay strong, and be smart.