well hello

well hello

Sunday, March 24, 2013

I woke up and lit a cigarette

I've missed Blogger!!! I have my neighbor's internet for two seconds at a time so let's see if this post will save!


I am doing good, I've lost so much weight in the past few weeks. All of my clothes are baggy. I'm wearing jeans that I bought after the fire - jeans so small because I lost a bunch of weight then. They look damn good on me too. I went shopping and a size four was way too big, so I'm a two. That's one size from zero and it's a little thrilling!

Besides the weight, I am liking my new place! It is super cute but small and sparsely furnished! It is great being back on my own and I can honestly say I don't even miss my family. Sometimes I feel lonely though, like right now.

Things with J. haven't been the best. The distance is a great deal of our problem (I am about 30 minutes away now) but I have been so damn insecure lately. So. Damn. Insecure. about our relationship. Last night he chose to go out with friends instead of come see me, granted I was drinking with my friend prior to the conversation..but STILL. I asked him to call me when he got home, did he call? Nope.

Needless to say I woke up with that stupid feeling in my stomach, that feeling of impending doom and super insecurity and the NEED for reassurance, but I just don't have it. We are texting a little and all he can say is "sorry, you should've came with us".

The problem is that I was stoned. My friend and I smoked so much on top of the wine, and I wasn't up for it. Stupid, huh? I want to call him, or text him back, but I just...can't.

I will wait for him to reach out again. He works this afternoon so we shall see. I should probably note that we almost broke up this week. Over my shit, I accused him of flirting with a friend and he hated it. I know rationally that he wasn't, but again, the combo of alcohol and weed makes me crazy.

Seeing a pattern here? I am hooked on substances and freaking the fuck out on him. I had therapy yesterday (thankfully) and discussed this. Not so much the substances part, but the fight. My therapist says I am immature. Interesting, right? Well I guess I am.

I'm only 26! And yet there is this huge part of me that wants to grow UP and get married and have kids but I suppose I won't be ready for that for awhile...

Work is going good, very busy. I miss internet access so much. I miss tv. But I have my freedom.



Lola Bee said...

really jealous about the weight loss, but very glad you are happy, despite the insecurities. be cautious, always trust your gut. xx

Miranda said...

Hope you get internet access again. New apartment...new weight loss. Awesome. I will say this. If he's given you a reason to not trust and earned that behavior give him hell but if it's just attitude just 'cause of insecurity or a mood or whatever it will definitely push him away.