I have no food here. My cat does not have food. I need to go to the store. I am going shortly. Just wanted to write a bit.
Saw some old friends last night. I felt so lonely in their presence. Like I didn't fit in, or belong. I am different now, I realize that. I am noticeably thin and withdrawn. Forced smiles and laughs. I was not present, I was either buried in the past or floating in the future or tied to my worries and imagination. I suck sometimes.
I am so fucking addicted to weed it is taking over my life.
Found a new therapist and went for my initial visit. Don't go back for two weeks since he's going on vacation. Looking forward to continuing weekly sessions if my insurance allows. Speaking of insurance they sent a "wellness card" that I can use for massage therapy, supplements, etc. Looking forward to getting my first ever massage.
It's crazy getting older, seeing the changes in my skin and the grays in my hair.
I have seen D. a couple times. My period came which means my body is FINALLY back to normal working order. This was my first period since November, before I was pregnant. Jesus. It's so wild saying that.
I am going to try and stop smoking weed, just as soon as this bag runs out.
I have to try. I have to do it. I live in a perpetual haze and I'm sick of it, I need to see who I am underneath this shit. I miss me and am curious about her, how she's doing without the drugs.
I ate a lot last night at my friend's house. We ordered out, and I've been kind of regretting it even though I'm basically starving again and still look thin. I got a whole eggplant parmesan sub. I ate half at a time but finished it except for a small bite at the end. It was a large sub roll, battered eggplant, mozzarella, marinara sauce, spices. It was good but SO UNHEALTHY. I don't know what I was thinking. Ugh.
Then after a blunt we all had a small ice cream cone. Then I had a handful of popcorn! Plus wine!!!
But it's ok. Because I can really eat whatever the fuck I want. The truth of the matter is I just don't eat enough and it keeps me small. All of my friends are fatter than me. Which is bitchy to say but the truth..
Well that was weird, my phone just rang. It was a friend I haven't talked to in awhile and I'm feeling relaxed and open so I answered. Said "hello hello?". Nothing, I could hear that I was in a pocket or a purse. Butt - dialed. All of a sudden she picks up saying "I'm so sorry didn't mean to call you! Great to hear you but I didn't mean to call.".
Of course not. Ugh I'm just feeling sensitive. We talked for a second and got off the phone, she was out of breath, about to drive to another city. I can't take it personal. It's not like I call her. I isolate myself so pointing fingers is pretty fucking weak.
Peace and love,