well hello

well hello

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

I screwed up + Bikini thinspo

I just ate soo many chips. I feel sick. What is wrong with me? Oh yeah...disordered eater REPRESENT! It's not funny, it's serious, Sar. God, you're sick. When I say "so many" I mean about 1000 calories worth. I want to puke but I won't. Puking is weak. I'M the one that binged, therefore I SUFFER!!!!!!!!

I was feeling so pretty and thin last weekend, I even had sex, finally. I broke my year-long dry spell. I fucked my best friend's brother. I used to have the biggest crush on him when we were all younger and so much more innocent. He is THIN but SO BUILT. He's in the army. He's super hot and was able to pleasure me. We were going strong for about an hour. I woke up in his bed, naked. My hands cupped my hip bones. I got up when he went to the bathroom and stared at my reflection in his mirror. I liked what I saw.

That was then, this is now. And I'm FAT!!!!!

I just don't understand/I just don't get it/why does food have power over me/why am I so dumb?

I still am not working (surprised?). I read last night that the average time spent unemployed in America is now 21 weeks...aka over 5 months...

I'm not going to go crazy

I'm not going to lose it

I'm not going to go crazy

I'm not going to lose it

I'm not

I'm not

I'm not crazy...

Yes I am.

Crazy for thin bodies.

I need to get my GAME FACE on. I need to hop on the treadmill and work the fuck out to BURN THESE STUPID FUCKING CALORIES! Problem is, I'm too shy to work out when people are in the house, so I'm waiting for my younger brother to go to work. I feel like everyone is on to me. I'm so fucking paranoid.

Think thin*

Please let me not be fat like her:

Yes, she's pretty and everything. Cute shoes.
I'm just saying that I don't look like that (yet).
I'd PREFER this: 

Xo ~ Sar

P.S. Stay strong today and everyday, think thin ALWAYS, and please remember: nothing tastes as good as *thin* feels :)


zette said...

yikes. you'll burn it all off after your brother leaves though&you'll e fine. i think it's better to be paranoid&keep secrets secret than to be to laid back&give someone a reason to watch your every move, yeah? stay strong, darling.

PollyAnna said...

I'm proud of you for being strong and not purging! Suxxx I know, but it proves you have the strength inside you to defeat urges. After your brother leaves, you'll be able to burn it up and be just as thin and pretty as ever! And, no such thing as *too* cautious...

Keep strong lovely! <3

Anonymous said...

I love you. You're so awesome and hardcore. I WILL NOT BINGE ON CRACKERS. I WILL NOT. I WILL NOT. Because Sar is awesome and told me that nothing tastes as good as thin feels, and I know this to be true.

Thanks, darling. You rock my invisible socks.

PollyAnna said...

Hello again darling! I received the Versatile Blogger Award, now I'm bestowing it upon you. Check out my post from today for the rules!

I think you're absolutely wonderful and I love reading your posts! Keep up all your hard work love, it'll pay off in the end! <3

Lita said...

Thank you SO MUCH for the pictures!! They are so inspiring.

I know how awful it feels to binge like that, to feel that roundness in one's stomach... yuck, yuck, YUCK! The important thing is to get back on track. You can do it!!

By the way, my name is Lita :) I recently started my own blog:


I am looking for support and people to share experiences with. If you're at all interested, I'd be honored if you followed my blog :) Peace and stay slim!!


Aye Ell said...

That 21 weeks actually makes me feel a little bit better. My husband and I moved to the Midwest in the beginning of February and I have been looking for a job ever since. We are fortunate enough that he makes enough money that I don't technically "need" a job but I feel like a total loser without one, and plus it's extra spending cash.
I have applied for probably over a hundred jobs and haven't had any luck. Glad I'm not the only one.