It's been awhile. I have been purposely ignoring this blog and not writing because writing means deal with it, face it, look into myself and try to come back to the surface without tripping over my troubles. The thing is, I edited this four page letter to the attorney general from my boss today at work and it made me remember that I like writing. So I'm here because I want to be.
A lot has changed, of course. My guilt and regret about the abortion remain current. Yes, regret, as unbelievable as that sounds. Me, with a baby? I am hardly coping with myself. That is, I smoke weed every day and have been chain smoking cigarettes. Barely eating. TRYING to eat more but just...can't. Don't want to.
D. and I broke up a few weeks ago but have spoken via text or phone every day since. Spoken for the most part meaning fight. We've met up a couple times for food and sex. What the hell kind of break up is this?
It hurts. I love him still, I carried his child that we chose not to keep. We shared a life-changing experience. How can I walk away? The truth is that I'm terrified of being without him. I don't want to be with anyone else having had an abortion. I'm not in therapy anymore but last time I was there I mentioned this and she said you can choose to tell the next guy or not, up to you. So either way I'm fucked! Keep it a secret, a lie...or tell them and potentially damage their view of me. With D. I don't have to worry about that.
With D. I don't have secrets. But, the fact remains that we are not together. I am single. And so not ready to mingle.
I moved about a month ago and it went well, really enjoying my new, nicer spot but feeling incredibly isolated. My two closest friends are in the city I just moved away from. I have friends around here but not across the street like how it was before. I've been having fun though. I went to a concert, had drinks, dinner, brunch, etc with friends in the past few weeks.
The drama with D. and dealing with the after effects of the abortion have been my main focus. Still bleeding off and on, cramps off and on, emotional as fuck. Intense and insane feelings for him. Last week in person we both admitted that we still love each other. We just fight so fucking much. We don't work, which sucks to think.
It's a complicated and confusing situation right now. I am trying to stay positive. I am trying to function. There are things, serious things, that need to be done (still): my taxes and student loan stuff. I have been literally been putting them off for months! I am my own worst enemy sometimes.
Right now I'm sitting on the couch in my pjs at 8pm like an old lady. Off for the next 3 days. Happy hour tomorrow, headed back to the city to grab some mail, and the bank. Saturday and Sunday are up in the air but hopefully I'll make the best of them. Tonight is me time. Me myself and I, single lady with her cat. Fml.
xo, thanks so much for reading, love to you all.
I realized today that I really like helping people by making them feel better, even if it's brief. A patient came in who lost his wife two months ago. He is an elderly man, at first gruff but with kindness. To watch him and his wife was so sweet, he would lead her by arm everywhere, they were an adorable old twosome. Anyway she passed and we just found out when he started coming back (he hadn't been in for a few months). Today I took extra time to talk with him and when I led him to a treatment room I pointed out the large and exquisite painting on the wall. He looked at it, noticed it's beauty and walked to it, touched it and said "I don't think I've ever noticed this before. It IS nice." It was such a cool moment, and I felt very present. I also felt like I had helped him in my own way, by pointing out a little beauty to allow him to become present too, and maybe for an instant not feel intense grief.