On my way to you..

Well it's been awhile. Things have gotten better in some ways, worse in others. K. is less than a week out from major surgery. The stress has been extreme. We are both irritable and scared. I'm anxious. He's having nightmares. We had a major fight, but got through it. I just want him to be ok. His father passed away a month ago, very unexpectedly. It was awful timing, but when is it ever a good time to die? I did the best I could to be there for him and his family. Luckily, they're all nice people who make it easy to care. His mom is very sweet. She loves me.

Things with my family are alright. There was some drama surrounding my brother's passing and the funeral we finally had. My parents both caught covid and took forever to get better. We're all getting older. My dad actually surprised me with some money towards my student loans, which was a shock and a blessing. I think he is finally softening in his senior years. I am making efforts to stay connected. Truth is, I do need them right now.

I'm super scared about my man's health situation. I am definitely numbing myself with weed but luckily not alcohol. He is really experiencing a lot of bad symptoms. Our sex life has waned a bit. But we're hanging in there.

Work is going better. They are actually being somewhat understanding and flexible with me. They are allowing me to work less hours the next month or so while I care for him. Since we're not married, I don't qualify for FMLA, etc. But I appreciate that I can be allowed a special accommodation. It motivates me to stay longer, absolutely.

Done with work for the day. Just took a few hits off a nice joint. About to freshen up then drive over to my guy. Weekday date night, even though we won't be doing much. I want to see him. I feel really bad about the fight we had. I can be emotionally and verbally abusive to him. I hate it about myself. It's really hard to accept it about myself. Who am I kidding? I should not accept it. Right? I should REJECT it. 

The problem is that I'm so good at fighting. I can rip someone apart. I know this is two fold, one from my profession, and two learned from a past abusive relationship. I'm referring of course to (the first) D., in case anyone has been reading that long. D. was positively evil. We fought constantly. What's scary to me is how I catch myself saying and doing similar things that he did to me. For example, the name calling. Hanging up on the other. Turning phone off or blocking. Evil, evil stuff. And I'm guilty.

It sucks. I've been with my therapist many years and we still haven't managed to get me to be better with this. I go nuclear. There is no other way to put it. Truthfully, I don't deserve to be in a relationship. At least, that's what I keep telling myself.

Me and K. always talk it out and make up and he is forgiving towards my fighting style. It's hard for me to understand. He loves me. But love isn't enough to put up with this, is it? I know the answer to that question before I even finish typing it. Love is definitely enough to put up with verbal abuse and all sorts of other crazy shit. People in love tolerate crazy shit. 

But that doesn't make it ok. It's still a problem. He's definitely not perfect. He can be selfish and stubborn. He can fight too. Just not as good as me. 

Meaning, I always win. I tell myself that I don't want to win. It's not about winning. But the reality is that I won't stop until I've won.

Is anyone else like this?

Or am I just damaged beyond repair.

On that heavy note, hope anyone still out there reading is doing well and enjoying their July.  

Until next time.. 

~S