Who am I?

I don't recognize my life or myself. The funny thing is, I've said this before. It's happened a lot over my nearly four decades. Fresh starts. Spontaneous life altering decisions. Last week I flew 1500 miles to visit a man I met while in Central America. 

I just bust out laughing and muttered what the fuck. It's so bizarre. But yes. That happened. We had a great time! It was emotional. We bonded. Went boating and out to eat. Watched tv on the couch and took walks. Had our first kiss floating in the ocean under the sun. We talked nonstop. There were also moments of sacred shared silence.

He offered for me to stay with him, but I stayed in a hotel. 

One month ago I was engaged to someone I had been dating the last three and a half years.

Life works in mysterious ways.

Currently: I am sick as a dog. Sickest I've been in a long time. Coughing. Tired. Nauseous. Losing weight from no appetite. I think it's my body's way of saying "slow the fuck down". But you can't stop a speeding train.

T., my new "friend", is coming to visit me next weekend. The turnaround time on all this is giving me whiplash. Neither of us knew this was going to lead to what it has, but the feelings are real and we're living in that undefined space. That said, dude is booking flights and ready to commit. My ex is regularly reaching out updating me on all the work he's doing to heal. I could go back to him, if I wanted. He wants another chance.

But do I want that? In a different world, yes. I love(d) him. K. and I had fun and we were very very close. Truth is, I gave him/us so many chances. It feels like history now. Which still feels very surreal. This disbelief and sense of suspended reality has upended my daily life and it's no wonder I'm sick.

I've done nothing this week. I got home from T.'s and fell sick. I worked and slept and that's it. I'm not even unpacked and he's coming next weekend. First thing on the list: get better! Then I'm going to clean my apartment lol. He's staying in a hotel and some of the days he'll be here I'll be working. He said he wants to take me on a date. He's sweet and I have heart eyes for him..

More later. I'm trying to post more. Send me healing vibes pretty please! Love to all.

-S

Alone again

After 3 years, and so much travel, and multiple family deaths, and a major operation, holidays, and an engagement - I've ended it. I broke the engagement and I broke up with K. I am alone again. The hardest part isn't even the pain of a relationship ending or the ache of my heart, it's having to tell people and attempt to explain why. Everyone is so shocked. Even my best friend said, why didn't we ever talk about any of this? And all I could say was, I was trying to figure it out on my own.

It IS sad of course. I miss him a little. I still love him. I wonder how he's doing. I care about him. I don't consider the last 3 years a waste. I don't consider him an enemy. I learned a lot from our relationship about life and about myself. I'll always be grateful for that.

Sometimes, there is not one reason you can point to and say THAT'S why you left. Truth is, there's tons of moments that have led to this. Primarily the fact that we tried 6 months of couples counseling and our communication and fighting didn't improve. He struggled to meet my emotional needs.

WTF are emotional needs? Good question. It's been wild trying to understand all that. I don't know how deep I'm going to get here. Let's just say that I've been feeling emotionally neglected for a long time, tried to speak up about it more than once, and nothing fundamentally changed. It got to the point in couples counseling where our counselor advised us that we are different communicators and that I will likely always feel unheard with him. 

I couldn't unhear this. I started listening to the previously stifled tiny voice inside my head. I followed my inner truth. I debated and overanalyzed and made lists. Ultimately, I knew I couldn't stay. The hardest part was the days in between accepting that and telling him. I felt sick over it.

When I finally gathered the balls to advise him - it was a sad conversation. We both cried. He was desperate for another chance. It tugged at my heart but I was resolute. It's officially been a full week now. Yesterday I finally blocked him.

Oh, and I booked a long weekend to unwind and visit T.

More later.

XO

I started this post in January

It's a new year, and it's cold and dark. This weather blows, but 2024 ended on a super positive note... I'm officially engaged to my fiancée. *Grins* First time ever. It's been a long time coming, and it's what makes sense, and it's made me the happiest most excited person ever!!!!

For a couple weeks, that is. Now almost a month has passed, and I'm in the doldrums of winter. I feel more present. We are going to enjoy engagement, and plan our wedding for 2026. It's honestly surreal, but it feels sooo right. I'm excited to marry him, and feeling a very calm certainty about it all.

THAT SAID, life is rough. My job is the worst.

^^^ that was January 14

It's now May 21, and I am just getting back to this draft. I read the most recent blog posts from last year and was slightly discouraged to see how negative they were. 2024 sucked though. Luckily, things have stabilized. 

It is now May 23, and I'm coming back to this draft again. It's Friday night. I'm sitting here in my pjs, same ones I've been wearing for days. I'm depressed. My engagement is on the line. I am thinking of ending things. But I'm so fuckin torn. I love him so much. He's a wonderful person. We have been through a lot of serious life stuff together. It's just that I'm exhausted. 

I have to really back up. Last month I attended a wellness retreat and nothing has been the same since. When I was there (in Central America), I was calm and happy. Doing daily yoga and meditation. Eating healthy food. Engaging in healthy conversations. Peace. Warmth. Time to breathe. It was perfect. I was super emotional though, and we did some hard mental work. I was actually FEELING my feelings. Sharing circles and vulnerability and holding space for the group.. it was like nothing I've ever seen or experienced. I am so grateful I went and it was worth every penny.

Coming home was jarring. There was tension immediately with K. when he picked me up from the airport. I chalked it up as me being tired since it was a long travel day. The next day, I was good. Still feeling the calm. The day after that I went back to work, and shit fell apart. Me and K. started fighting. We're always freaking fighting it seems. Work was overwhelming. At one point I reached out to a friend I made at the retreat for support. "T."

He was super kind and we've kept in touch. He is significantly older and lives in another state. At the retreat, we bonded over a joint. We talked a lot and often sat next to each other. Nothing happened and he was aware I'm in a relationship and engaged to be married.

But we connected. And now we're texting all the time. He's so mature. He sees the real me. He said point blank that he doesn't think my relationship is healthy or destined for the long haul based on how I've described it, which was really off-putting for me to hear. In fact, it made me mad to hear it. What does he know? He's been married and divorced more than once. But he is also on a wellness journey. He has gathered wisdom. He is emotionally intelligent.

Here's the other part: me and K. have been in couples counseling for 6 full months. We almost broke up in the Fall. I insisted on couples counseling and he was open to it so we started it. We got engaged over the holidays. So, as T. eventually pointed out, the timeline of almost breaking up > counseling > engagement is a little sketch.

I'm going to admit that I'm a little infatuated with T. Yes I know, it's horrific. I've judged myself and have been feeling guilty as hell. Importantly, I'm not just letting this ride. I'm taking action. I asked K. for a break. He took it hard. I'm trying to hear the inner voice inside of me. It's whispering words I don't want to hear, but honestly they are nothing new. I love K. I love him so very much. But is love enough?

I don't know. I'm hurting pretty badly. Our relationship is in limbo. It sucks. I was hoping posting would give me clarity. But I guess I already know what needs to happen. The fact alone that I'm crushing this much on T. is giving me pause. I've been doing a lot of thinking.. It's like the emotional void I've been carrying around was easily filled by T.'s warmth and depth. I'm an empath, and it's not every day I click with someone like this. In essence, it could be anyone who comes along and clicks with me, heart to heart, as long as the void exists. That's dangerous for someone in a relationship. K. is clearly not meeting my emotional needs. He is very stoic. He doesn't react when I cry. He doesn't easily offer a hug or encouragement or reassurance. It is always me asking.

But I know that no one can fill every need for me!! I have to fill my own needs, right?? It's just that there have been so many times when I am vulnerable with K. or confide something with K. and I don't get much back. T. responds with ease. I'm not saying T. is prince charming. But he is showing me that it's possible to connect like this. And I cannot unsee it..

Crazy that this post started with me being so excited about my engagement to K. 

Life is crazy.

Am I crazy? Probably. But I gotta be able to live with myself. I'm split in half right now. I don't love it. I'm staving off shame by reminding myself that I'm human. I hate the idea of hurting K. I was raised to put others first. (Thanks Mom and Dad!) I've been learning to put ME first. That's why I went on the retreat. I needed to get away and spend time and energy on myself. It changed how I see things. I didn't expect that. I was just expecting a relaxing trip. I kinda fell in love with myself down there. I was confident and calm. I was friendly and cool. I met so many great people including T. who are also on healing journeys. And now that I'm home, living this life, it's impossible not to think about how much better it could all be. It's impossible not to see that my relationship and this engagement might be holding me back. 

XO

Sar