Who am I?

I don't recognize my life or myself. The funny thing is, I've said this before. It's happened a lot over my nearly four decades. Fresh starts. Spontaneous life altering decisions. Last week I flew 1500 miles to visit a man I met while in Central America. 

I just bust out laughing and muttered what the fuck. It's so bizarre. But yes. That happened. We had a great time! It was emotional. We bonded. Went boating and out to eat. Watched tv on the couch and took walks. Had our first kiss floating in the ocean under the sun. We talked nonstop. There were also moments of sacred shared silence.

He offered for me to stay with him, but I stayed in a hotel. 

One month ago I was engaged to someone I had been dating the last three and a half years.

Life works in mysterious ways.

Currently: I am sick as a dog. Sickest I've been in a long time. Coughing. Tired. Nauseous. Losing weight from no appetite. I think it's my body's way of saying "slow the fuck down". But you can't stop a speeding train.

T., my new "friend", is coming to visit me next weekend. The turnaround time on all this is giving me whiplash. Neither of us knew this was going to lead to what it has, but the feelings are real and we're living in that undefined space. That said, dude is booking flights and ready to commit. My ex is regularly reaching out updating me on all the work he's doing to heal. I could go back to him, if I wanted. He wants another chance.

But do I want that? In a different world, yes. I love(d) him. K. and I had fun and we were very very close. Truth is, I gave him/us so many chances. It feels like history now. Which still feels very surreal. This disbelief and sense of suspended reality has upended my daily life and it's no wonder I'm sick.

I've done nothing this week. I got home from T.'s and fell sick. I worked and slept and that's it. I'm not even unpacked and he's coming next weekend. First thing on the list: get better! Then I'm going to clean my apartment lol. He's staying in a hotel and some of the days he'll be here I'll be working. He said he wants to take me on a date. He's sweet and I have heart eyes for him..

More later. I'm trying to post more. Send me healing vibes pretty please! Love to all.

-S