Who am I?

I don't recognize my life or myself. The funny thing is, I've said this before. It's happened a lot over my nearly four decades. Fresh starts. Spontaneous life altering decisions. Last week I flew 1500 miles to visit a man I met while in Central America. 

I just bust out laughing and muttered what the fuck. It's so bizarre. But yes. That happened. We had a great time! It was emotional. We bonded. Went boating and out to eat. Watched tv on the couch and took walks. Had our first kiss floating in the ocean under the sun. We talked nonstop. There were also moments of sacred shared silence.

He offered for me to stay with him, but I stayed in a hotel. 

One month ago I was engaged to someone I had been dating the last three and a half years.

Life works in mysterious ways.

Currently: I am sick as a dog. Sickest I've been in a long time. Coughing. Tired. Nauseous. Losing weight from no appetite. I think it's my body's way of saying "slow the fuck down". But you can't stop a speeding train.

T., my new "friend", is coming to visit me next weekend. The turnaround time on all this is giving me whiplash. Neither of us knew this was going to lead to what it has, but the feelings are real and we're living in that undefined space. That said, dude is booking flights and ready to commit. My ex is regularly reaching out updating me on all the work he's doing to heal. I could go back to him, if I wanted. He wants another chance.

But do I want that? In a different world, yes. I love(d) him. K. and I had fun and we were very very close. Truth is, I gave him/us so many chances. It feels like history now. Which still feels very surreal. This disbelief and sense of suspended reality has upended my daily life and it's no wonder I'm sick.

I've done nothing this week. I got home from T.'s and fell sick. I worked and slept and that's it. I'm not even unpacked and he's coming next weekend. First thing on the list: get better! Then I'm going to clean my apartment lol. He's staying in a hotel and some of the days he'll be here I'll be working. He said he wants to take me on a date. He's sweet and I have heart eyes for him..

More later. I'm trying to post more. Send me healing vibes pretty please! Love to all.

-S

Alone again

After 3 years, and so much travel, and multiple family deaths, and a major operation, holidays, and an engagement - I've ended it. I broke the engagement and I broke up with K. I am alone again. The hardest part isn't even the pain of a relationship ending or the ache of my heart, it's having to tell people and attempt to explain why. Everyone is so shocked. Even my best friend said, why didn't we ever talk about any of this? And all I could say was, I was trying to figure it out on my own.

It IS sad of course. I miss him a little. I still love him. I wonder how he's doing. I care about him. I don't consider the last 3 years a waste. I don't consider him an enemy. I learned a lot from our relationship about life and about myself. I'll always be grateful for that.

Sometimes, there is not one reason you can point to and say THAT'S why you left. Truth is, there's tons of moments that have led to this. Primarily the fact that we tried 6 months of couples counseling and our communication and fighting didn't improve. He struggled to meet my emotional needs.

WTF are emotional needs? Good question. It's been wild trying to understand all that. I don't know how deep I'm going to get here. Let's just say that I've been feeling emotionally neglected for a long time, tried to speak up about it more than once, and nothing fundamentally changed. It got to the point in couples counseling where our counselor advised us that we are different communicators and that I will likely always feel unheard with him. 

I couldn't unhear this. I started listening to the previously stifled tiny voice inside my head. I followed my inner truth. I debated and overanalyzed and made lists. Ultimately, I knew I couldn't stay. The hardest part was the days in between accepting that and telling him. I felt sick over it.

When I finally gathered the balls to advise him - it was a sad conversation. We both cried. He was desperate for another chance. It tugged at my heart but I was resolute. It's officially been a full week now. Yesterday I finally blocked him.

Oh, and I booked a long weekend to unwind and visit T.

More later.

XO