Day 2.

This is my second night alone in my new apartment. My cat is asleep on my bed, I am sitting up on my futon, smoking a little and listening to some music while searching for things to read online. It is Friday night and I could care less about being out at the bar, which is where the majority of this town is. It's a "party school" well that begs the question, isn't every college known for partying? That's what we college folk do on Thirsty Thursday and Frantic Friday and Sake Saturday. Oops, can't forget Sunday Funday. And Tanked Tuesday. Ohh, College Town, you've turned me into a drinker.
I even bought a bottle, so don't let me kid you here. I am not against partying, yes I was being a little sarcastic there but that's only because I resent those college kids with trivial lives. I resent their lack of introspect, solitude, and experience.
It's not like I'm so old, or super experienced myself. It's just me, and what's happened to me. A lot. My mom agrees and when I talk about my life, my friends back off, get quieter, noticeably force another subject out of awkwardness/pity. My eyes and forehead ache of out creased stresses. My smile is grim and unforgiving. My eyes focus not on yours, but deep down into the very crevices of your being. I wonder to myself, is this person lying to me? Could this person be trying to pull a fast one on me?

I am paranoid, possibly delusional, frail, tough, and nauseous. My eyes burn with exhaustion and my contact lenses are stuck on tight. I can't move.

This place smells of scented cat litter. I should light a candle.

Ha. Ha.

Yeah right. I'll never light a candle again. I walked past my old building today. The one where I lived for almost a year of my college experience. It still stinks of dust. I wanted to cry, I really did. Instead I became numb, and then unsteady. I spoke with an elderly man who I knew from my work (customer) and he picked up on my distress. He showed me pottery; I made a quick exit, embarrassed but not ashamed.

I'm out of water.
My cat is still asleep. It's almost two in the morning, I work at one in the afternoon. I work the next 3 days in a row. I am on my period. I ate some food tonight. I am feeling sort of low, but not deeply depressed.

I miss the scale that was at my parent's house, if you can believe that. So now I'll have to buy one. I need to know how much I weigh.

I suppose I'll go take out my contacts and move to my bed. Idk.

A few hours later. I am beat, laying in bed, not sleeping. The stupid fucking cat is wide awake and ravaging this place. I'm pissed off and pmsing.

Just wanted to finish the post. Peace, people.

Think thin.

Crazy.

I'm sweating and oh-so-full. We have had two or three super warm days and I love it but I have been stress-binging due to this chaotic week. But I fasted today until 7:30 pm- it felt great and I was shaking and out of it. (Unfortunately) then I feasted on sour gummies, Healthy Choice tv dinner, bowl of cheerios, and entire bag of Goldfish. Holyfuck. I was feeling thinnish, now I feel like a fat lard ass.

In other news. I made my decision, I am taking next semester off. Me and the cat are moving home to live at Mom and Dads. Big changes up ahead. All I really want is to gain control over this binge eating, it is stress-related, I know it. When I feel lonely or scared or bored or unsure I eat. When I am procrastinating I eat. When I am tired I eat. Ughhh . . .

I am looking forward to not feeling so lonely. I think it will help a lot. I need people, as much as I'd love to deny that, and I know having my family under the same roof will improve my quality of life. There will be people to talk to. There will be a porch to sit on. There will be my bike in the garage, just waiting for a spin. There will be a tv, a big couch, a backyard, a library, etc. I am excited. I feel apprehensive about delaying graduation and leaving my college town. But I know it's somewhat necessary at this point. I am on a downward slope, going fast fast fast! until I hit rock bottom. I don't want to hit rock bottom. Or maybe I already have. Idk.

I just want to say thank you to those that commented. You could obviously tell what a huge, life-changing decision I was facing and I just really appreciate you taking the time to throw me a word of encouragement and support. Love and peace to you : )

I must continue with my restriction. As the weather gets hotter I want to eat less. Not exactly sure what happened tonight, actually I am. Those Goldfish crackers are damn addicting and triggering.

I wore a really cute outfit today! Skirt and tank top! It felt so good to bare some skin, even though I was self-conscious of my body (like always!). There are some beautifully skinny girls around here, it is so annoying comparing myself to them, but I really can't help it. It is thinspiring! I will look just as good if not better s o o n.

I walked a decent amount today. I like walking. I want my thighs to GET THINNER. I was staring at them today in class (because I was wearing a skirt I could view them perfectly) and they looked okay but certainly nowhere near divine.

Gawd I just looked in the mirror and am now SO BLOATED from the damn food I scarfed down tonight. Why didn't I keep trying? Why didn't I test myself? Why didn't I go for the freakin' win?

I'll tell you why. I got food in the house and I wanted to eat. Simple. I wanted food. I wanted to stop shaking. I am so weak, it's pathetic.

I bombed a test today. Sucks.

My cat bit my arm last night and it broke the skin and left this glorious red streak; I look at it and feel proud, as if I scraped up my own flesh on purpose. I didn't, but I didn't pull away either. I want to feel pain to make this inner hurt dull in comparison.

I guess that's why I'm moving home, I've gone slightly crazy..