well hello

well hello

Friday, April 2, 2010


I'm sweating and oh-so-full. We have had two or three super warm days and I love it but I have been stress-binging due to this chaotic week. But I fasted today until 7:30 pm- it felt great and I was shaking and out of it. (Unfortunately) then I feasted on sour gummies, Healthy Choice tv dinner, bowl of cheerios, and entire bag of Goldfish. Holyfuck. I was feeling thinnish, now I feel like a fat lard ass.

In other news. I made my decision, I am taking next semester off. Me and the cat are moving home to live at Mom and Dads. Big changes up ahead. All I really want is to gain control over this binge eating, it is stress-related, I know it. When I feel lonely or scared or bored or unsure I eat. When I am procrastinating I eat. When I am tired I eat. Ughhh . . .

I am looking forward to not feeling so lonely. I think it will help a lot. I need people, as much as I'd love to deny that, and I know having my family under the same roof will improve my quality of life. There will be people to talk to. There will be a porch to sit on. There will be my bike in the garage, just waiting for a spin. There will be a tv, a big couch, a backyard, a library, etc. I am excited. I feel apprehensive about delaying graduation and leaving my college town. But I know it's somewhat necessary at this point. I am on a downward slope, going fast fast fast! until I hit rock bottom. I don't want to hit rock bottom. Or maybe I already have. Idk.

I just want to say thank you to those that commented. You could obviously tell what a huge, life-changing decision I was facing and I just really appreciate you taking the time to throw me a word of encouragement and support. Love and peace to you : )

I must continue with my restriction. As the weather gets hotter I want to eat less. Not exactly sure what happened tonight, actually I am. Those Goldfish crackers are damn addicting and triggering.

I wore a really cute outfit today! Skirt and tank top! It felt so good to bare some skin, even though I was self-conscious of my body (like always!). There are some beautifully skinny girls around here, it is so annoying comparing myself to them, but I really can't help it. It is thinspiring! I will look just as good if not better s o o n.

I walked a decent amount today. I like walking. I want my thighs to GET THINNER. I was staring at them today in class (because I was wearing a skirt I could view them perfectly) and they looked okay but certainly nowhere near divine.

Gawd I just looked in the mirror and am now SO BLOATED from the damn food I scarfed down tonight. Why didn't I keep trying? Why didn't I test myself? Why didn't I go for the freakin' win?

I'll tell you why. I got food in the house and I wanted to eat. Simple. I wanted food. I wanted to stop shaking. I am so weak, it's pathetic.

I bombed a test today. Sucks.

My cat bit my arm last night and it broke the skin and left this glorious red streak; I look at it and feel proud, as if I scraped up my own flesh on purpose. I didn't, but I didn't pull away either. I want to feel pain to make this inner hurt dull in comparison.

I guess that's why I'm moving home, I've gone slightly crazy..

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