Do I wanna know?

It hurts to hurt. I'm not in a good place right now. I couldn't sleep again last night, my racing thoughts and heart were echoing the anxiety I've felt for so long now. I think I need meds or a shrink. I'm not happy. I'm so full of hatred. I hate hating myself. It's hard to stop when I screw things up so unbelievably much.

Since M. didn't bother to contact me, I couldn't resist seeing what would happen if I reached out. Two nights ago I sent him a funny text. He responded immediately asking how I am. I texted him back after like 15 minutes and then never got another response.

So yeah, here I am two days later feeling the void of rejection and vulnerability. It's a shitty void to feel, not like the good void of restriction. I hate myself for caring. I hate myself for being so weak. I hate myself for giving him head. We are not dating. Why did I allow such intimacy? How could I be so stupid??

-S.

Hate

I really wish I didn't hate myself.

WHY do I fuck everything up?

WHY do I push everyone away?

WHY do I cling to my haunted past?

WHY AM I SUCH A FUCKING GODDAMN MESS?