It hurts to hurt. I'm not in a good place right now. I couldn't sleep again last night, my racing thoughts and heart were echoing the anxiety I've felt for so long now. I think I need meds or a shrink. I'm not happy. I'm so full of hatred. I hate hating myself. It's hard to stop when I screw things up so unbelievably much.
Since M. didn't bother to contact me, I couldn't resist seeing what would happen if I reached out. Two nights ago I sent him a funny text. He responded immediately asking how I am. I texted him back after like 15 minutes and then never got another response.
So yeah, here I am two days later feeling the void of rejection and vulnerability. It's a shitty void to feel, not like the good void of restriction. I hate myself for caring. I hate myself for being so weak. I hate myself for giving him head. We are not dating. Why did I allow such intimacy? How could I be so stupid??
-S.
well hello
Showing posts with label i need help. Show all posts
Showing posts with label i need help. Show all posts
Friday, January 10, 2014
Monday, January 14, 2013
I will survive
These tears keep trailing down my cheeks like Lewis and Clark blazing through overgrown meadows and rocky precipices all those years ago.
I have been an emotional wreck for days. This house is GODDAMN TOXIC.
I know what I have to do but I'm scared and lack patience. I need to collect some more paychecks and Move.The.Fuck.Out.
I literally cannot wait until my therapist appointment this week. I called him at 7:55AM, begging to be squeezed in sooner. I am going Thursday, I need to vent about my Mother. Fucking cunt.
I don't like this! I don't like hating her! But her behavior the past couple weeks has been UNACCEPTABLE! She is acting SO distant, completely unsupportive and uninterested in me and my life and my new job. She is spacing out and it's not like her, and yet she's fine around my dad and brother? Which (naturally) leads me to believe it's ME. Which leads me to believe that this subtle emotional manipulation has been happening my entire LIFE.
I am freaking out and angry, torn and crying...racing heart, tense shoulders, pain behind my eyes...it's heartbreak. Pure and simple. My dad, OF ALL PEOPLE, has seemed nice and angelic in comparison...which is UNREAL.
The only answer is to start packing my shit up in boxes. The only answer is to find an apartment and move the hell out, no matter how much I struggle, no matter how broke I am.
I don't need to eat. I don't need cable. I can survive.
**Ok too weird, "Survivor" just came on Pandora.**
Coincidence? I think not.
Look, all I want is for her to apologize and start acting normal again! Is that too much? Am I fucking delusional?
I have been an emotional wreck for days. This house is GODDAMN TOXIC.
I know what I have to do but I'm scared and lack patience. I need to collect some more paychecks and Move.The.Fuck.Out.
I literally cannot wait until my therapist appointment this week. I called him at 7:55AM, begging to be squeezed in sooner. I am going Thursday, I need to vent about my Mother. Fucking cunt.
I don't like this! I don't like hating her! But her behavior the past couple weeks has been UNACCEPTABLE! She is acting SO distant, completely unsupportive and uninterested in me and my life and my new job. She is spacing out and it's not like her, and yet she's fine around my dad and brother? Which (naturally) leads me to believe it's ME. Which leads me to believe that this subtle emotional manipulation has been happening my entire LIFE.
I am freaking out and angry, torn and crying...racing heart, tense shoulders, pain behind my eyes...it's heartbreak. Pure and simple. My dad, OF ALL PEOPLE, has seemed nice and angelic in comparison...which is UNREAL.
The only answer is to start packing my shit up in boxes. The only answer is to find an apartment and move the hell out, no matter how much I struggle, no matter how broke I am.
I don't need to eat. I don't need cable. I can survive.
**Ok too weird, "Survivor" just came on Pandora.**
Coincidence? I think not.
Look, all I want is for her to apologize and start acting normal again! Is that too much? Am I fucking delusional?
Friday, November 18, 2011
Addiction / Restriction
Somehow my life has slid out of control. I don't recognize myself. I have become the worst part of me.
I am so unbelievably addicted to smoking weed. Just weed, most say...it's all good. But it's not good at all actually. I smoke when I wake up, before work. I smoke when I get out of work. I am subdued and moody in between these two daily sessions. I'm scared.
And I'm smoking right now. My habit is not cute and I'm scared that I'm always going to choose to be alone with my weed and eating disorder. When did it get this bad?
It's been building up for years. I woke up today with anxiety. I remembered that at one time I wanted to be a model. 6-7 years ago. I even went to casting calls. With my mom. I had the clearest image in my mind this morning of my mom and I sitting in a waiting room in some fancy corporate setting, watching the movie they played, not knowing what to expect. What I didn't realize is that I was at a crossroads.
Around the same time, I met my ex and fell in "love". We moved in together and brought each other down...the experience completely depleted any plans of mine to do something great while I was still young and hot.
I'm recalling this and thinking about the choice I made and feeling...not regret, just a deep sadness and sorrow for what could have been. I could have been better, done better...but I chose to pursue a chance at love.
It didn't work though! Moving in with him was most likely the biggest mistake I've made to date. And I'll always know why I did it. The real reason...I needed to get out.
It's something I'm still dealing with, because I'm back here, living.
Living at home is making me crazy. "Home". "Family". It all makes me sick and angry. I'm using drugs to cope. It's a vicious fucking cycle. And I'm scared to death that I'm trapped.
***
Unfortunately, the pot has kicked in and things don't seem so bad.
Hold the phone while I grab a cup of coffee.
Yum. So hot.
***
I've been restricting all week as much as possible, but last night I did eat a fast food bean and cheese burrito. I added vegetables, obviously, but according to their website, one of those babies is 420 calories. Fitting.
Needless to say, I feel bloated. I'll pop some midol and skip breakfast. We're ordering Chinese food at work today. I haven't had it in months and have a craving for my mixed vegetables and white rice. It's not too crazy calorie-wise. At lunch I will only have a few bites, then put it in the fridge to take home later. It's bad, I'm aware. But so good.
My period was about 2 days long this month, and very light. I know this to be a sign of not enough food intake and calorie stores. My body hates me. I hate my body.
***
Think thin.
XO
Sar
***
I am so unbelievably addicted to smoking weed. Just weed, most say...it's all good. But it's not good at all actually. I smoke when I wake up, before work. I smoke when I get out of work. I am subdued and moody in between these two daily sessions. I'm scared.
And I'm smoking right now. My habit is not cute and I'm scared that I'm always going to choose to be alone with my weed and eating disorder. When did it get this bad?
It's been building up for years. I woke up today with anxiety. I remembered that at one time I wanted to be a model. 6-7 years ago. I even went to casting calls. With my mom. I had the clearest image in my mind this morning of my mom and I sitting in a waiting room in some fancy corporate setting, watching the movie they played, not knowing what to expect. What I didn't realize is that I was at a crossroads.
Around the same time, I met my ex and fell in "love". We moved in together and brought each other down...the experience completely depleted any plans of mine to do something great while I was still young and hot.
I'm recalling this and thinking about the choice I made and feeling...not regret, just a deep sadness and sorrow for what could have been. I could have been better, done better...but I chose to pursue a chance at love.
It didn't work though! Moving in with him was most likely the biggest mistake I've made to date. And I'll always know why I did it. The real reason...I needed to get out.
It's something I'm still dealing with, because I'm back here, living.
Living at home is making me crazy. "Home". "Family". It all makes me sick and angry. I'm using drugs to cope. It's a vicious fucking cycle. And I'm scared to death that I'm trapped.
***
Unfortunately, the pot has kicked in and things don't seem so bad.
Hold the phone while I grab a cup of coffee.
Yum. So hot.
***
I've been restricting all week as much as possible, but last night I did eat a fast food bean and cheese burrito. I added vegetables, obviously, but according to their website, one of those babies is 420 calories. Fitting.
Needless to say, I feel bloated. I'll pop some midol and skip breakfast. We're ordering Chinese food at work today. I haven't had it in months and have a craving for my mixed vegetables and white rice. It's not too crazy calorie-wise. At lunch I will only have a few bites, then put it in the fridge to take home later. It's bad, I'm aware. But so good.
My period was about 2 days long this month, and very light. I know this to be a sign of not enough food intake and calorie stores. My body hates me. I hate my body.
***
Think thin.
XO
Sar
***
<3
Peace
<3
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