Last post of the year. I'm feeling slightly better than yesterday. Still reflective as hell though. I have to be at work in two hours. Yes, I am stuck working New Year's Eve until 2AM. That's the biz, kid. It's interesting that I'll be making money instead of being out spending it. I have fears, of course. You know me. Always scared. My fear is that I will "mess up". Ohh boy. That'll be the end of the world, huh?
I kind of binged last night on m&ms. Feeling bad about it but refuse to give in. It happened, it's over. I'll be running around like crazy tonight so I won't be eating. Just had a salad and chugging coffee. I debated buying a mini bottle and keeping it in my apron but pretty sure that's a terrible idea. It's the idea of an alcoholic! I can wait to drink until I'm out. Unless my boss offers me champagne of something (VERY doubtful) which I would def take.
Well. I slept in today. Forgot I was out of creamer so I ran to the store. The countdown to the craziness is officially on. I haven't even showered yet. I honestly do not know what to expect tonight but if I can be truthful, it's kinda nice not to have to make plans and get people together and wonder about a kiss.
Although...one of the guys I've been talking to just texted me saying, "you should stop by for a pre new years kiss before work". But I told him no. No time. It's flying by.
Alright guys.....thanks so much for following my blog and reading and commenting. I really appreciate it! I know I can be a huge downer but I've got faith and hope in the future! I'm going to be just fine. So are you.
And yes I know I blog about Ednos. Staying thin. Weight. Binges. Purging. Drugs. I know these topics are not comfortable or polite, but they are such a part of my life, and maybe yours. I will defend staying thin until I die because I truly believe it's important to be in shape. It's more healthy.
I realize the boundaries are blurred and the tactics are impure at times. Society is struggling, women and girls everywhere identify with this plight. So it's hard, as a "writer", to know how much to confess, because I don't want to hurt anyone. But sometimes I do want to hurt myself.
It's mental. This is not so much an apology - more like a foot note. I think you understand, though. I love you for it.
Much peace. Have a great and safe New Year. I'll be downtown slinging drinks...but who knows how this night will end up. If you've been reading for awhile you know that my NYE normally tends towards the dramatic. Fingers crossed for much money and good moods all around.
LOVE/PEACE
xo
Sarah
well hello
Showing posts with label new years. Show all posts
Showing posts with label new years. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Friday, December 30, 2011
2011 is old news
 |
| Doll-thin, non-reality, fucked priorities. |
New year's eve eve. I'm listening to music, schmoking some schmoke, and haven't even made the coffee yet, even though it's 12:30 in the afternoon. Fuck.
Ok, the situation has been remedied! It's a-brewing. I really need to clean. My room is messy. It's driving me crazy. I just want a few hours to do it! So tonight or tomorrow, I'm buckling down. I'd like to start the new year with an organized space. And a organized mind.
I watched "Melancholia" two nights ago. What a movie! The music is gorgeous and appropriate, the visuals are haunting and Kirsten Dunst plays a very convincing depressed woman. She will probably win some sort of award. Her sister (actress Charlotte Gainsbourg) is Ana-thin. Her bones stick out in every scene. Oh, movie thinspo, how I enjoy thee.
Mmm coffee. I've been cheating and drinking it with creamer. Every guilty sip is an inch around my waist.
***
New year's eve last year was a shit show. Same with the year before, actually. Wow. Ok. So this year is going to be normal. I hope, I pray. I am going to a free concert in my area. I have no clue who's joining me or who's driving. I might go have dinner at a friend's first. Might. Any occasion involving food makes me nervous. I'll cross that bridge when I get there.
J. has to work tomorrow and Sunday, unfortunately. He will be getting out at quarter to midnight tomorrow. We want to see each other and kiss at twelve so it will be a race against time, trying to get together for a lip lock...how romantic. Then we'll get wasted. How not romantic.
Today is going to be one of those days, I can feel it. Too much on my mind and I've been fighting off a sickness. I am nervous about tomorrow and hope everything goes well. The rest of the year depends on it!
Do you believe in karma?
***
On one last, final, note. There is a guy at work. *Sighs* I am really into J. and pleased with what's happening with us, but this guy!
I don't know if I invent this shit to keep myself entertained at never-ending work, or what. But I'm thinking there is some chemistry between us.
For some reason, I can hardly look at him. My eyes give me away and I blush so I avoid him. This was innocently going on for months, but he recently (2-3 weeks ago) switched to my department! So I see him every day, alll day.
I guess maybe I'm just super horny. I haven't had sex in awhile. And my sex-with-a-coworker fantasy is always present. I mean, I'm not technically tied down or with a ring on my finger. I can do what I want.
What do I want? Does anyone ever know?
***
Think thin today. Be strong. Be thin.
X
O
S
A
R
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
The other
So much to say, no time to write. That's a lie, I have all the time in the world tonight. I'm just...antsy. A LOT has been happening. I really want to smoke but I am officially moved into my parent's house and it's just not possible. They'd freak.
I wonder where I left off with my last post... I've been so busy. I moved home last thursday, went out that night for a much-needed drink after unpacking a shit ton of stuff, and bumped into this guy J. who I hooked up with over Thanksgiving. He's the one with the girlfriend. (NOT the J. I usually talk about - he's out of sight, out of mind). Well it wasn't long before we were flirting and then cuddling on my friend's couch and then we moved upstairs to a spare bedroom and passed out in each other's arms. No sex. No kissing. Just...touch.
:Sigh:
The next day I drove him home; it wasn't awkward. We were extremely hungover but Friday was new years so of course we ended up meeting back up later on. I was excited/terrified to see him again. My friends and I stopped at this party briefly and he was there. He ignored me for a bit but then we started talking. Him and his girl were "text-fighting" for awhile and he was bummed but eventually snapped out of it. We all hopped in my friend's truck and headed downtown for the ball drop. No kiss at midnight for me. We went to the bars around one or two in the morning and drank some more. Then we went back to my friend's house (it was that kind of wild, endless night). We started drinking more and playing music and then J. and I passed out in a bed (actually it was an air mattress, lol).
We woke to screaming. My best friend was getting beat up and yelled at by her asshole ex-boyfriend, who we mistakenly thought could handle hanging out in a group situation with us for new years. This was about 9 or 10 in the morning. J. and I had been sleeping for approximately an hour.
I started freaking out on him (my girl's ex) and kicked him out. We were all shaking and tense. My girl ended up screwing some other guy and J. and I went back in the bedroom and started messing around. It was really nothing serious, just some nudity and touching. No kissing, still. This went on for a couple hours until I told him I needed a nap around 12:30 PM. We basically stayed up allllll night. He left me and went to pass out on the couch. I slept for 3 hours and then woke up and joined him on the couch. We talked a little and then I woke my girl up and I drove them all home.
It was fun.
Just...long-winded. And I haven't heard from J. since. 2 nights together and that's that. I sent him a little, quick email. No response. We don't have each other's phone numbers and we're not friends on facebook. I understand he has a girlfriend. I cannot get attached. I just felt a connection once again with him. We've only met 3 times, and every.single.time. we've been all over each other. It's like there's magnets in our hearts.
As for eating and thinness...well, I've been trying like hell! I had some binge days early last week before my big move but since I've been home I've been doing really well. I mean, J. saw me (almost) naked and I wasn't really self-conscious. I felt thin. Every day when I wake up I feel for my bones.
I bought Portia De Rossi's memoir and it's really good and thinspiring. I'm about half way through. I feel bad I haven't updated this blog or read any of yours but I've just been busy and nursing hangovers. I need to find a job so that's the next thing for me to do.
I am dying to see/talk to J. It's driving me a little mad, actually. He's gorgeous and strong and funny but he definitely drinks too much and (to state the obvious) he's a cheater. Now, we didn't kiss or have sex or even oral sex, but his girl would not be pleased if she knew that we spent 2 nights together, including new years. Any of you ever been in this situation?? Any advice??
I'm thinking of you all and going to catch up on some blogs right now. I need to kill time before my parents go to bed so I can finally smoke and relax. I'm so addicted..
Think thin!!!!!!!!!
Xo
Sar
I wonder where I left off with my last post... I've been so busy. I moved home last thursday, went out that night for a much-needed drink after unpacking a shit ton of stuff, and bumped into this guy J. who I hooked up with over Thanksgiving. He's the one with the girlfriend. (NOT the J. I usually talk about - he's out of sight, out of mind). Well it wasn't long before we were flirting and then cuddling on my friend's couch and then we moved upstairs to a spare bedroom and passed out in each other's arms. No sex. No kissing. Just...touch.
:Sigh:
The next day I drove him home; it wasn't awkward. We were extremely hungover but Friday was new years so of course we ended up meeting back up later on. I was excited/terrified to see him again. My friends and I stopped at this party briefly and he was there. He ignored me for a bit but then we started talking. Him and his girl were "text-fighting" for awhile and he was bummed but eventually snapped out of it. We all hopped in my friend's truck and headed downtown for the ball drop. No kiss at midnight for me. We went to the bars around one or two in the morning and drank some more. Then we went back to my friend's house (it was that kind of wild, endless night). We started drinking more and playing music and then J. and I passed out in a bed (actually it was an air mattress, lol).
We woke to screaming. My best friend was getting beat up and yelled at by her asshole ex-boyfriend, who we mistakenly thought could handle hanging out in a group situation with us for new years. This was about 9 or 10 in the morning. J. and I had been sleeping for approximately an hour.
I started freaking out on him (my girl's ex) and kicked him out. We were all shaking and tense. My girl ended up screwing some other guy and J. and I went back in the bedroom and started messing around. It was really nothing serious, just some nudity and touching. No kissing, still. This went on for a couple hours until I told him I needed a nap around 12:30 PM. We basically stayed up allllll night. He left me and went to pass out on the couch. I slept for 3 hours and then woke up and joined him on the couch. We talked a little and then I woke my girl up and I drove them all home.
It was fun.
Just...long-winded. And I haven't heard from J. since. 2 nights together and that's that. I sent him a little, quick email. No response. We don't have each other's phone numbers and we're not friends on facebook. I understand he has a girlfriend. I cannot get attached. I just felt a connection once again with him. We've only met 3 times, and every.single.time. we've been all over each other. It's like there's magnets in our hearts.
As for eating and thinness...well, I've been trying like hell! I had some binge days early last week before my big move but since I've been home I've been doing really well. I mean, J. saw me (almost) naked and I wasn't really self-conscious. I felt thin. Every day when I wake up I feel for my bones.
I bought Portia De Rossi's memoir and it's really good and thinspiring. I'm about half way through. I feel bad I haven't updated this blog or read any of yours but I've just been busy and nursing hangovers. I need to find a job so that's the next thing for me to do.
I am dying to see/talk to J. It's driving me a little mad, actually. He's gorgeous and strong and funny but he definitely drinks too much and (to state the obvious) he's a cheater. Now, we didn't kiss or have sex or even oral sex, but his girl would not be pleased if she knew that we spent 2 nights together, including new years. Any of you ever been in this situation?? Any advice??
I'm thinking of you all and going to catch up on some blogs right now. I need to kill time before my parents go to bed so I can finally smoke and relax. I'm so addicted..
Think thin!!!!!!!!!
Xo
Sar
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