Think thin.

Granola..it is so good!! But so fattening : ( Why are the good things in life usually terrible for you? I mean, it could be worse, and it is: I am a candy freak, it's true. I love candy/chocolate. There, I admit it. So where do I go from here? I think about it constantly, especially at work. Ugh, I am thinking about all of this because I am headed to work in an hour. Last time I was there I bought a donut, and Good-n-Plenty. Omg! Why is everyday a binge? Can I please work today without craving sweets hardcore?? Can I please leave that place without making a PURCHASE?!

So here I am, smoking, many things clogging my head; I can't make up my mind and I don't know what my next move should be. I feel like showering, I would like to rearrange furniture, the dishes need to be done, I need to prepare for work, the cat litter needs to be changed...all of this springs to mind when I am trying to make a decision!

I guess I should get off the damn computer and think of a solution here, lol, I am ridiculous... I can see it in these words. I gotta keep on the move or I am so fucking detached.

I sprung on a really cute fall jacket last night! I love it : ) My next purchase will be a hat. I am not really a hat person (I truly think I look funny) but I need to buy a cute fall hat. It just seems like the right thing to do.

^Proof that I have ADD. Where did that even come from? I was going one way and now I'm back and I really should just mention that I haven't purged in over a week. I keep wanting to though, it's the strangest thing. Last night the vomit literally rose up in my throat. But I kept it down. I don't want to puke. It hurts too much. That one headache it gave me kind of...changed my approach.

Lots of love to you readers:*

Think thin.

Memory motel.

"I'm so fucking depressed- I just can't seem to get out of this slump" -Eminem

This day that was supposed to be good and purposeful has fallen to shit. I am a pathetic waste of life and I hate myself. I was going to go home, and I told my mom, but I kept changing when. Well I woke up today and realized it was all out of the question. I couldn't make myself go out in the rain, couldn't make myself go answer the doctor's cheesy questions, couldn't make my life easier by depositing check in the bank..I am a fuck up, a failure, I hate hate hate hate hate myself. I should have just went. Why didn't I just fucking go? Oh because I wanted to take a nap. Because I got high. Because I am delusional, I thought I would shop today. Gawd// kill me now. PLease.
Sad memory time:
I remember the time him and I got in horrible, terrible, drunk, screaming fight. I remember him driving drunk, getting us lost; my voice was hoarse from crying and screeching but I was so scared he was going to break up with me/leave me that I finally shut up and helped him get us back to my parents house. That night turned even nastier. I remember banging my head against the car window, smashing my palms into the dash, into the side, into him...I wanted pain, NO, I wanted to be dead. My fists clenched, my legs moving in spasms, tears streaming down my fucked up face... I was crazy. He was crazy. I yelled, "kill me, just kill me, please, please just murder me, I want to be dead, I need to be killed, just do it, just do it, pleaseee..." Like I had something to prove, like I was tough, and not just the fucking psycho that I am.

End of memory..it fades to black..it hurts to go back. I am still alive and that is what hurts.

Make it all go away, make this stop. I don't want these heavy, blurry feelings of guilt, sadness, anger, anxiety, depression, repression. I am choking on my own lies now. I want this. I guess I just want to go fucking nuts and get locked up.

Sorry you guys, I just needed to vent. I really, truly need some fucking valium..or help..or something. I don't know what, but I need it soon before I jump.

Medium.

I saw a psychic today. Ha. $20 down the drain, I should be smacked. She was interesting; she had intense eyes and rapid neck movements and blinked a lot. I sat there, hunched, neck crooked, nervous, obvious...I am sure she could pick up on my uneasiness without power or struggle.

Just wanted to note that, I guess. It was a weird experience that I just sort of fell into. I am happy I went though. I just wish I had some sort of truth to believe in. To really believe..a safeguard? I can't think. She mentioned God a few times, maybe it's time for me to check out some churches. I feel like a poser. I want to believe that I am here for a reason, I need to. If I don't then I don't see a point in living.

I just want to be happy. I don't want to need people. I want to pick and choose when I let someone in. That is fine for now...but the future? Marriage? The idea seems foreign and unrealistic. The day I meet a man that can tolerate/keep up with me is the day I consider commitment. For now I commit to me.

For now I take things one day at a time, one minute, one second...and I appreciate the present, because I am scared of the day it all stops. The day that fades away; my dreams, where time slows, music and voices fade, I fall backward, preparing myself to die. I am not ready for this day.

I am not ready for any day, I just walk through them. I just somehow barely keep going. What I need to find is my guiding light, my inner energy for seeking out life's pleasures.

Goal #1 : Find something I like to do that brings me peace *other than smoking pot*.
Goal #2 : Focus on this ^^^


Once I can focus on something other than my impending doom, I think I will be stronger and happier.
My mind will be off food. How inspiring..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

No I have not heard from R. - I fucking wish though. I dream about him. I am not as creepy as I probably sound. I really do keep to myself. But I do think he knows I am into him. I think he likes it. I think he doesn't know what to do about it. That is okay with me, liking him from afar is "safe" -- according to the psychic. I can deal with this for now.
- I sure hope he calls/texts/shows up at my work .. haha.. it's fun like a game..

Peace peepz...time for work..fun.

Oh yeah, think thin !!!
*I sure will be, at work I move around as much as possible! Burning those calories!!*

A warm gun...

Depression fucking hurts. Like the commercials imply/hypnotize me into believing..must be going crazy tonight, every night, every day. Where can I throw it all away? I skipped all classes today. I don't care but I do care. I am fucking stupid for not going to my last class..I had to turn in something, and I justified not going by saying, "I'll email her" (my prof) to myself..I didn't convince myself. I didn't email her. I ignored the situation, which is easier and more comfortable for me. Selfish slob...I went to natural foods store and bought raw granola, almond breeze "milk", lara bar, and organic apples. I saw R. in the street. I could just die. Why do I like him? Why do I want him? He has a girlfriend!!!!! I am soo DISGUSTED with myself. I seriously am obsessed with this dude, it comes and goes. Some days I forget about him, like today, then I see him, then he TEXTS me, an hour later I text him back and still no fucking response. TheSe gAmEs will kill me!
I am pissed right now. I am pressing so hard on these keys that I might just break the whole thing. My friends are ignoring me, not including me in plans, not calling me, making plans with each other (I introduced them)...I am unlikable. I am unlovable. Wow my Dad doesn't even call me, or my brothers. Or my sister for that matter all though she occasionally facebooks me..I called my bro but it wasn't a good time so he'll call me tomorrow. My family has a hard time talking to me. No one likes me, not even me.

Can I just disappear? Can I just die? No - no I don't want to die yet...but can I just go away for awhile? I am so damn lonely I hate it. I like it because it gives me an excuse to be sad.

Friday's food: 2 apples, larabar, granola and almond breeze (like 3 or 4 servings..gag). iced soy latte. I feel like a behemoth. That is a lot of calories today, I don't even want to bother counting it. So fuck it. At least it was all organic. except for the latte.

Starve on.
~~~~~~~
Think Thin

<3

Wake & Bake.

I've been avoiding myself lately. Wearing my glasses, being more quiet than usual in class, dressing in longish skirts. I am usually casually dressed (ie. jeans, shirt, shoes). I like wearing skirts though.
Over the summer I turned into a stranger. The whole purging thing was like entering another dimension. I watched it, I literally lived it. My chest hurts in memory; a phantom pain.
I have so much to do today. This has been a very busy week and I haven't been able to blog as much as I want to. It's weird. One part of me just want to be self-centered and only blab on about the zillions of sometimes boring, sometimes interesting things going on inside my brain on this blog. Another part of me want to make it interesting for you. Anyone else feel like that?

I think I know what it is. Since college started back up I have been made very aware of linguistics. All my classes have been focusing, in some way or the other, on language, dialect, words, grammar, sentence structure, etc. It is a lot to keep in mind. And it shows here, the very place where I would love to feel free and unrestricted. Of course, one of you could know me in real like. I'll never know.

Maybe you will. Or do. I don't know how that would be possible, but life is funny that way. I have this fear that I am being watched. It is irrational. My fears shouldn't dictate my life, but they do.

The fear of getting fat, especially.

Ridiculous. Going to the bank, then class, then to my landlord's place to pay up. Then finally home, home, home! Where I can relax and get some more sleep. My nightmares this morning are replaying in my mind's eye. It's enough to make me hurl. Or jump off a roof.

Think thin.

No food yet, I need to fast. This eating garbage is a pain in my fucking ASS. Wish I didn't need food. Oh wait I don't ...

Forbidden.

I am on a break in between classes. I spent 45 minutes talking with my professor in his office. Oh damn he is cute, but his cuteness is mostly just intelligence. He is amazingly smart. I wish it would rub off on me, yes that was slightly sexual on purpose. I would do him. Too bad he has a wife!! Not going there again. (Long ass story). Just smoked a quick bowl.(I have at least cut way back on cigs). Weed is a need though. I got a 72/C on that Metaphysics test. Fuck my life, that is horrible. I was hoping to at least get an 80/B.

Ah well. At least I only ate one apple so far. It was tasty and juicy. I also drank a black coffee...mmm. Now I am going to class, then work. Then have to chill and do some homework and maybe pick up. Not sure. That idea just crossed my mind.

I am so behind on school work, but I refuse to give up!
I have binged so much, all weekend I indulged. Whole wheat bread is my worst enemy; I love it and it is "good" for me so I justify EATING it!!! I ate almost a whole loaf this weekend. No butter, but peanut butter or Laughing Cow light cheese wedges spread on it. Fuck fuck fuck. The memory is making me full. And fat. And bread-bloated. Never. Again.

Never. Ever. Again. (with the horror of horrors...bread!!?!) Dang Carbs and their evil temptations.

I am sticking to fruit and coffee FOR SURE.
I have weighed myself every day. My weight fluxuates incredibly. I don't like it. I don't trust the scale. I don't trust people that won't look me in the eye.

Time to try and read for class. Then a lovely walk! Think thin!!!

*Nothing Tastes As Good As Thin Feels*

*One moment on the Lips means a Lifetime on the Hips!!*

^Scare tactic, seriously.

<3 My adorable kitten says MEOW!

Self restraint is key!

~* .I need to practice the Art of Self Restraint. *~

-Going to walk for an hour or so. I just ate some laxies, which is rare around here. I don't like swallowing pills. I take 2 pills every single day. Isn't that weird? 2 prescribed pills: Yaz & Zoloft. The sad thing is that I can't just stop taking them, my body will go nuts and I will be moody as hell as my hormones shift and my seratonin levels bottom out. I hate taking these pills. I am not even having sex! I am not depressed, I am just, I don't know, but Zoloft is not doing it's job. If it was then why am I so numb? Why so indifferent? Why so detached? I rarely even talk to anyone anymore, and when I do it's awkward!!

Walking. Now. Sar. Stop. Smoking. Stand. Up. Walk. Walk. Walk.

Carbs and self-hatred before noon.

Ridiculous.

Woke up at 7:15 to shower, study, and prepare myself for the day. Woke up feeling kinda skinny. Woke up exhausted though. I failed. I failed at life.
I lounged on the couch for too long, then around 8 got in the shower, stayed in there too long, and then decided to smoke. /my downfall is this.
I sat on the toilet for like 20 minutes, staring into space, hoping (sorry) for a bm. Felt like it should happen, but it didn't. I realized that time was wasting so I got up, frustrated, and got dressed. Left on my glasses, didn't brush my hair. Felt stoned off my ass but ready to go have fun and take this test, even if I didn't do so hot.
However, I missed the bus. Should have just walked, but I was running soo late, the bus I missed was one that would get me to campus right before class, with no time to spare. Walking to campus takes about 20 minutes. I said fuck it, and walked to my car.
Driving along, high, only a few minutes to get there and find a spot to park. All of a sudden I made a left turn and just came home. I walked upstairs, and started eating. At least 6 slices of pumperknickel bread, some with peanut butter and jelly. Almost an entire box of Kashi crackers (I started them last night) with laughing cow cheese as "dip" for the crackers. 3 biscotti. 100 cal bag of popcorn. apple. cut up fruit. UGH I feel stuffed and disgusting and honestly I really just hate myself.

Wtf am I going to do about this test? I just missed it! Didn't even BOTHER going, or studying. I hate life. I am having suicidal thoughts (but I won't do it).. I need help. I need to get away. I don't know what the hell I am doing in college, in life!

Now, it is almost noon. That was like a two-hour long binge. And still no bm. Ha, why would there be? That would actually make me feel better! My life is a joke. This day sucks. I hate it I hate it I hate it.

I have one more class today, am I going? Haven't decided. I guess I am going to go lay down for a bit, and see if I can wake up later for class (in two hours actually, fuck). But if I can walk to campus I won't feel as bad about this awful morning carb fest.

Wish me luck : /

ps. flushed & stick thin...thank you for your kind comments yesterday <3


EDIT**

Didn't go to class. Slept for 3 hours. Just woke. I can ruin a day so easily. What now?

Evening Ruminations..

Sad today because I feel my few existing friendships are rapidly coming to an end. Why is this becoming a pattern? I try to be a good friend. I try to smile around friends, and talk like friends do, and be silly. I am serious, but I try to make people laugh sometimes. I used to a lot more, back when I was confident. I am too shy to put my voice out there, nowadays, usually. Even in class sometimes, I am so damn afraid of being judged. The really ironic thing is that I declare in my own head that I don't care what people think. I think I am a pathological liar, or something like it. I don't believe half the shit that comes out of my mouth or mind.

I'm pathetic. I am really feeling down. I took my first test of the semester this morning. I studied a little for it. Not much. As I was taking it, I thought it was going alright. But then I got to the short answer and essay part...I froze. I choked. My mind was blank and my coffee was gone and I had about twenty minutes of class time to finish. I started making shit up to fill the space.

I hope I did decently!! I hope, I hope!!! I won't find out for about a week, unfortunately. I am one of those people who like to know how I did on a test five minutes after completion.

Oh the perfect world I long to live in paints a picture of bliss in my head. Me, skinny, light as a feather and slightly shorter, surrounded by my pick of rich suitors, with bowls of grapes and glasses of champagne placed amongst the scattered, fragrant rose petals. There is peace on our planet and life has turned tranquil in it's contingent hours. More importantly, I am at peace with myself, my life, my family, my friends... there are no negative thoughts poisoning my blood.

Love. Life. Peace. Options. Future. Present. Today. Yesterday. Memory.

What do these even mean?? What is my purpose here? It surely can't be my present existence, for I am lazy and closed off and I blog about bulimia for god's sake.

Why is there guilt? Why am I so intuitive at times, and blind as a freakin' bat others? I need to figure some things out.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Today I ate: 1 biscotti (100 cal) 1 banana (50 cal) 1 black coffee (5) some almonds (80 cal) a pineapple/blueberry smoothie (guessing on the high end - 410 cal) cut up fruit (50 cal) and big offender: macadamia nut cookie (450 cal).

1145 calories for the day. YIKES. I need to step UP!

Talking Heads.

I march to the beat of my own drum. I do what I want, when I want. I called in sick to work tonight, for the first time, for no reason. I am a little fucked in the head. I have been aware of this for awhile now. I haven't seen many friends lately. Or men. I just saw R. at the dining hall, where he apparently works now. We pretended not to see each other. I walked away, to a different part; I turned around to look at him and he was sneaking a peak at me. Gosh, I like this dude. And yet, I'll be damned, I really do despise him.
Out of pure desperation I ate a freakin' veggie panini. Disgust! I haven't purged in about two days, so I am trying not to. I want to. But I can't do it. I don't like the headaches when I do it daily. Spaced out seems better.
I love reading all of your blogs. I just read a really interesting post by Stick thin- it made me want to stop eating junk food. I bought a bag of candy corn yesterday (again). I have been snacking on it. I have ate a lot today, but walked for about 50 minutes all together. I have no fresh fruits or vegetables in my apartment. Only frozen and canned. I must change that. I wish I wasn't afraid to go the store; I don't trust myself to ONLY get fruit/veggies...I will probably convince myself to get an Amy's vegan frozen dinner, or crackers, or candy. It's enough to make me hurl, honestly.

But I'm not going to, dammit. I need to NOT puke. I need to rest and study this evening. I don't want to feel like shit. I am just going to drink lots of water. Fuck this day.

Mia on my mind.

I've been getting these terrible headaches. Like the beginning of a migraine headache (my worst nightmare) there are jabs of pain/pressure on the back of my head. Near the top of my spine.

I keep getting random itches all over my body. Like bugs crawling on me. A side effect of the drugs? or bulimia?

I am a mess and it shows. It shows in my verbal and non-verbal communication, my messy apartment, and my down-hill sliding grades in college. Can everyone tell? Am I so transparent? I fear that my social life is a complete joke. I don't think people actually "like" me. I think they deal with me because (1) I always have weed, and (2) I look good (if around men) (ha I don't actually believe that with my full heart but men are easily distracted with a little cleavage and makeup and lip-licking and leg-crossing).

Amazing but writing in this blog is somewhat therapeutic. Here is a cold hard fact: I have been binging and purging every day. I think this is getting out of control. I can't stop my stomach from feeling the way it does after I eat, all bloated and noisy and pushing up, but I can make the decision not to puke, which is damn near impossible these days.

Help.

Please.

Think thin.
[i need to lose 20 more pounds]
[] check this box when goal is reached***
can't wait to check that ^.

soon. so soon.

I can be there. So can you. We can do it together and it will be easier. Let's try it, dare each other to push on, push forward; dare each other to meet our goals, our serious goals, more than our goals: our deepest desire. I desire to be as thin as I want to be. So I will. I will make it happen. I am on my way there. I need to keep this up but I seriously need to be thinspired because I can't do this on my own! Ok...maybe I can. But a little motivation never hurt anyone.

I just want this damn headache to go away.

And to be thin. (obviously) thinner. the thinnest in any room.
xo.

peace.

Thin thinkin.

Something is happening inside of me.
My mind is complex is some ways, and so are my actions. Yesterday was a bad day. I ate too much and threw too much up. So much that I barely remember doing it; I was in a daze. Ever since I discovered "why" I do it, and "what I think about" while doing it. Also, what do I concentrate on? Just one thing. I don't find it so gross anymore. I am truly fucked in the head, why did I just say that? I suppose it is true..sigh.. I suppose I am a bigger mess than previously understood. I always knew I was a little quirky but has it really come to this?

I am so dehydrated. I feel it in my lips. My stomach feels burned and bloated. But practically empty.

I love Marya's phrase, "I'd rather starve than puke." I couldn't agree more. Because after I purge I am afraid to eat. I do not want solid food. I will drink something, usually.

I am procrastinating hardcore.

I have so much homework to do.

Oh. Something weird happened and I am wondering WHY and need YOUR help?!?!
**In detail; tonight I made myself throw up for about 40 minutes, and the last 10 were intense- automatically puking, barely trying, just heaving hurls. When I was *done* this crazy painful headache came about. It killed. I pulled the claw clip from my hair and held my head, while swirling sink tap water in my mouth. Why did this happen?? I have never got such a headache from purging. If you can help please do!!

MUst. STarT. HOmewOrk.

Just wanted to note that all I ate today was 2 kashi 140 cal honey flax granola bars, candy corn, iced latte (unfortunately made with 2% milk, I watched it happen in horror, but didn't say anything because I am weak like that around strangers/retail workers), 1 bag of this "party mix"/evil snack (it consisted of cheese curls, chips, pretzels, etc.) (pretty fucking nasty if you think about it), 1 veggie burger with mustard. But the chips and the burger didn't stay in. Muahah. Hopefully only consummed 1/2 or 3/4 of the calories. Even if I only puked up 20 calories I think it is so worth it.
Ugh. I'm still fat. I shouldn't even be writing this without knowing how I stand. I shall go weigh myself, brb.

[135]
could be worse.
think thin.
then thinner.

Make people notice. I would rather be known as skinny girl than fat chick. Anybody would. Eat to Live, never Live to Eat. My goal is to lose twenty more pounds. I think 115 seems like an okay weight for my height. I am just trying to be healthy, ya know. *wink wink*

Good night, world. I am not going to sleep, I am going to do homework! Woo. /fuck my life. or at least this night. Speaking of fuck where is all the sex in my life? Oh yeah, I am resentfully abstinent : /

This is mad long, I wish I looked forward to homework like I look forward to expressing myself in this blog.

Graphic...

[I want to type out every little thought stream-of-conscious style, proclaiming personal insights as if they matter to anyone but me, drifting off topic as easily as a wave slipping past some sand, Sar in high def, with a dash of green green grass and one gold kitten.]

My eyes burn and so does my stomach. I unexpectedly purged early this afternoon. I am disgusting when I do this. I hate this. Here is what happened: one black coffee chugged while finishing some philosophy homework, class, then a blurry walk around campus only to stop at snack place and buy a huge chocolate chunk cookie. Last night I had been craving sweets hardcore. I debated in my head for hours on whether or not to go to McDonald's to get a brownie melt. (Thankfully I didn't go) So sue me, I thought I deserved the damn warm, soft, melting cookie.
And so it goes.
I innocently walked to Starbucks and was proud of myself for bypassing other greasier options (dining hall food I'm looking at you!). I bought a $6 mozzarella/pesto/tomato sandwich. Wtf was I thinking, anyway?? All of those carbs?? I hate bread! I even eat bunless veggie burgers. Ok, yes, I ate that entire whole grain baguette a few weeks back, but shit. I was binging and needed bread so I just won't think about it.

There goes me getting of track. Wow, so much internal hate today (everyday). Needless to say, I ate the sandwich quickly (I felt so disciplined leaving it in my backpack the entire 15 minute walk home) once I opened it and took my first bite. It was decent, but the bread, wow, so muchhh. So I scanned my syllabus for this upper level critical reading class, noticed I was fucked on the assignment I didn't do that was due today. I was triggered by this upset.

I think I have figured it out. I hate when I don't plan stuff. If I had better planning and time managing skills, maybe I could get shit done, not be stressed, therefore not STRESS BINGE!

Sordid details: I chugged some flavored water, walked to the bathroom, closed the door so my innocent kitten wasn't corrupted for life, set my mind aside and focused on one thing. One little BIG thing. One scary, nasty, backwards thing.

I stuck my fingers down my throat and puked, people. For a good half hour I was patient and consistent with what I was doing. It felt good to focus, and it also felt good to get that sandwich out. Finally I tasted a sweetness, the cookie, (sorry, disgusting) and I knew it was over.

Help? Should I start seeing a counseler?

I can't really believe I did it in between classes, like it was normal, like I was painting my nails. Ha. Haven't done that in awhile; I don't like the taste of nail polish.

My apartment is starting to smell like cat. I need a vaccuum cleaner and some febreeze, pronto.

Hottie with a body.

I found this pic of Jessica Simpson, looking hot, back when she used to be thin. I would love to look this toned and skinny and amazing:


Look at her thighs! There is space there, they do not rub!

Fear and Loathing.

I feel like I obsess over food. Glancing back at previous posts I notice that I am always talking about it, describing what I ate, calling things "good"...um this needs to stop. Maybe if I could stop thinking of food I would be able to stop eating altogether. This is my ultimate goal.

Went home yesterday. Didn't binge all day, had two bowls of salad with dinner. My family has clearly picked up on my paranoid habits concerning food. My mom made me a "goody bag" with canned veggies (my fav), fruit cups, soy milk, bananas. That is all fine but then she tossed in a mini bag of cheetos and a bag of mini cheddar rice cakes. When I got back to my apartment last night those were both gone in about 5 minutes. I also ate a total of SIX stuffed shells..STUFFED WITH FATTY CHEESE...three at dinner..three last night. Fat fucking ass that I am.

Wait a second, I'm doing it again. Talking about food, losing my mind. My point here is that she is trying to force food on me, because she thinks I never buy it. The truth is I buy so much food. It is usually binged and purged, or sometimes just thrown away. But I waste a lot of money on this silly mia. I also waste a lot of money on pot, cigarettes, and going out. Vices. Eh. Killer.

I can't think. I couldn't sleep last night. I have been waking up every morning around seven. It is too early to sing at this hour. All I do is feed my cat, surf the web, and go back to bed when I am able.

I am shocked to say that I have hunger pains, but I know that they are an illusion. I am not eating today. I will transition to ana if it kills me. I wanted to purge last night soo bad. I felt the food practically lifting itself up. But I could not do it. I could not bear with the taste of tomato sauce coming back up, it smells awful. (Sorry, gross). So it stayed in. The scale said 135 about twenty minutes ago. I don't know what to think or believe concerning my weight. I weighed myself the other night at K.'s and it said 139 -holy fuck I hope that was off.

Scales and what they read can make a person go crazy.

One good thing? The thinspo surrounding me on campus. Many younger, stick thin girls. Reverse thinspo too, because let's face it, this is America. People are fat. Especially new college kids who dig eating pizza and subs three times a day. Nasty! I am soo glad to be a vegetarian. Meat is gross. Scratch that. Food is gross. I hate it. Hate it. Hate it.

Let's see how long I last before I am shoving it in my mouth like a person who has starved for years.

Let's fast for Ramadan. Who's in? It doesn't matter what your religion is. Just do it. Stop eating. It is pointless to eat. Eating will not make life better, it will not make you rich, and it CERTAINLY will not make you pretty.

And hey, aren't we all just vain in that sense?

love & peace. think thin.

Suffer for fashion.

(of montreal)

Today is my birthday. What can I say about it other than the fact that I partied hard last night/this morning. I worked late, smoked, went to a bar, then to K.'s. We drank and blew lines. How mature of me. /not. It's over now. The damage is done. I missed one class because I was too exhausted to wake up after intensive partying. I went to one class this afternoon high. I contributed nothing to the discussion but took a few notes. Then I ate. Ew. 1/2 vegan panini, chips, 4 pickles, mango lemonade smoothie. I just ate some chocolate whopper candies. FUck my FAT self.

It is now 4:23 pm, I am of course smoking, and I do not know what to do with myself. My impulsive side suggests a shopping trip, which always makes me feel better. My stoner side says smoke more, until it's gone, so I can buy again. Fuck. My sleepy side whispers thoughts of light breezes and a lazy afternoon.

I am gaining weight. I feel it and I see it. I am going to weigh myself real quick, on my stupid scale, to prove myself RIGHT!

Back- I weigh 136. Horrible. I asked K. last night if she thought I gained weight, she said no. I did not believe her then, and I am reassured on how fat I truly am. I am so gross to look at. I guess this is what happens when you get old like me. 23. Can't believe it. I hate myself lately.

Sad that I feel this way today, but my birthday was never my favorite holiday.

peace.

The aftermath..

Sigh. I ate 3 and 1/2 slices, and I'm talking big slices. It was loaded with tomatoes, green peppers, and mushrooms (my only comfort-at least veggies are better/lower cal than meat). It was good, but I seriously made myself sick of pizza. I was hungry. It came. $15 later and it was all mine. I wonder if the delivery guy suspected that this was a pizza for one! not a group or party...probably not. Gawd I feel full still. It has been about nine hours since I indulged (overnight)..I weighed myself of course, and the verdict is 134-135. Gross. I was getting low there for awhile, and had to fuck up/self sabotage/say fuck it and FUCK UP.

I didn't even purge it. The idea of throwing up that pizza was making me sick, and I swear my body was preparing me for it. If I would have tried I think it would have been easy to do and maybe even fast. But disgusting. I couldn't bring myself to try... Is this a good thing? My strength over purging? I would think if I was fully Mia I would definitely have purged it, no questions asked. If I was fully Ana the pizza would have never been ordered. What the fuck. I am not a poser but the facts make me look like it.

My punishment? Lots of walking and a fast day. I don't care. I just don't even care any more. I need some more control over my body. I came home last night and dialed the pizza place on automatic. I am so grossed out by the pizza box and pizza still inside. I am THROWING IT OUT!!!!!

Lots of love, everyone. This is hard but we shall overcome : ) And be the skinniest, loveliest people in the room at any given time.

Yay for sleep, I love going to sleep at night and waking up about seven a.m. I look out my window (I live on the 4th floor) and see the early morning sky and sometimes sun. I long to breathe some fresh air. I am going to walk downstairs with this damn pizza box and get it out of my life!!

Peace/love

think thin today and everyday!