In trouble

 Got in "trouble" at work. They noticed I've been a tad... detached lately. Someone asked me to assist with a project a couple weeks ago, and I declined. This was brought to HR. They questioned me in the conference room today. A Friday. It makes me wonder, had the conversation gone another way, were they planning to fire me? But for all intents and purposes, the conversation had a professional, interactive flow to it. I took ownership. I was honest. I communicated some of the things troubling me lately. I acknowledged the impact of same on work. 

It's over and I survived it. But it feels like shit. I know I've been slacking. I admitted it to my therapist, bf, probably here... It's hard to care about work when loved ones are suffering. Put another way, it's easy to not give a shit about work. I live for so much more than work.

And you should've seen those two ladies, sitting there with me. Taking this all very seriously. Isn't our work just so important. 

I'm drinking. We got pounded with snow and K. picked me up and drove me to and from work today so I could attend this meeting, since my car is currently snowed in. Aka buried in snow. He's a sweetheart to help.

But when he dropped me off after work, I came inside and made a stiff drink. The cup is half whiskey. I'm blazing weed. I'm fucked up. 

I needed to get fucked up because I was hurting. Still am. Had to slow down drinking since I had barely any food today. Plain yogurt with high protein granola. Breakfast snack bar. Apple. A few cashews. I was hungry until I had that meeting. 

But yeah. That happened today. And I'm still reeling, clearly. What a mindfuck. As if I don't have enough going on. I guess I have to handle it better. I need to step it up. Keep work and life separate, not let either affect each other. How the hell do you do that?

I gotta end this for now.