It hurts...and it kills.

It sucks to realize that I am not what my parents wanted.
My mom freely admitted to me that my Dad did not want any more kids. She did. My whole life has been her defending me to him, her helping my case, her loving me more, her spending bonding time with me. Dad just handed over the money. I just got in a nasty fight with her. Money is SUCH a fucking issue in my family and I hate it!! In fact, my main goal in life is to get by with less money than the norm. Of course I am nowhere near it, just the mindset.

I can't even talk about this. It is all so internal, so unexplainable, so hard to find the words to portray the hurt. There are no words for it. Family is a four letter word. I have so many memories of my mom defending my Dad to me, or me to my Dad. He used to pick on me so much. He was always "joking". I "never got it". I was "too sensitive". I was a "drama queen". I was never enough. My sense of "me" is tainted by black tar.

In other news, it is 7 at night and I am eating fruit snacks. First thing I ate all day. And doing laundry, which involves lots of stair climbing. Might do 4 loads : )

Besides wanting to slit my wrists right now, I am okay. I have pot. I have somewhat healthy snacks. I have breath in my lungs and a new cd!!! from T.
He is cute. We hung out last night and laughed and laughed. He is fun. He is kissable but it has not happened. Yet.

You will be the first to know.

Starve On.
Think Thin.