Chips are bad.

Ok, so, that bag of chips earlier? Well... I finished it. The entire bag. 8.5 servings at 130 calories per serving, plus other food? I had to purge. I just spent 30 minutes puking my guts out, and I'm glad I did. I went to the scale and it said 135.5 :)

It would have been wayyy higher if I didn't purge. I can't believe over the course of today I only gained .5! That makes me damn proud.

Still haven't done my project. I am ridiculous.

Fasting for the rest of tonight and as long as possible tomorrow. I'll probably grab some drinks with a friend, and if I do, I'll be sure to eat a little something. Or maybe I won't... I'm sure I won't mind puking again tomorrow.

I'm so fucked up, lock me up!

Think thin always!!

Hot dress on a hot girl. I like her back bones.

Procrastinating...

I fasted yesterday. It was quite unexpected ... and it really made me proud. Today? It's been good. I freaked out a little around some chips, but my stomach is empty now and it was empty before the chips so whatever.

I am experiencing hardcore writer's block right now. The other day I mentioned that ONE little project that is standing in my way. As soon as it's done, which it will be, tonight, AS SOON AS IT'S DONE, I'm done, muthafuckers!
With my summer class, that is. I just need to do it. Omg. I am slacking but I think my brain just wants food because it's all I can think of. Well hell no, brain! I was at 135 today, which is an improvement over the beginning of the week, but I won't feel better until I hit 130. Keep your fingers crossed for me. I need to stay strong.

I didn't even shower today. HOURS have been dedicated to this stupid project and yet I'm still staring at a blank page. Oh man. So here's the plan. I'm going to take a little drive to the video store, to return this video. Should I puff a little on the road? Yes, I think I might. Maybe it'll help.
I mean, this project isn't *technically* due until tomorrow, but I reallllllyyy hoped to get it done by tonight, just to get this fucking stress off my back.

Sigh.

I bought some clothes yesterday. A new bikini (that was fun, NOT), some jeans, some shorts, a tank top, an awesome dress, and some purple tights :)

The essentials, ya know. I do love shopping. It makes me feel good! Dang, there's that feeling in my stomach again, I guess that laxie tea really helps out.

Peace !

Think thin !!

Sap.

I want to be in love.

I want to be in love.

I want to be in love.

Maybe if I keep saying it...

     No....

It couldn't be that easy. I just truly want that *feeling*.
I long for love. I need to be needed, I need to need someone. I want it all. I want to meet the one and know it instantly, or if not instantly, gradually.

It's not A. It's (probably not) T.

It's not anyone I know.

He's out there, I know it I know it I know it.

COME FIND ME LOVER!!!!!!!!

Please <3

Eat Less.

Mention food and I get defensive.

Mom: Did you eat anything today?
Me: Yes...
(We stare at each other)
Me: What, do you think I just go the day without eating?
Mom: Yes, I think sometimes you do.

This is getting to be a source of contention in our household. I fucking eat, obviously. Look at me. I'm not too thin, hell, I'm not even thin. So why ask me everyday if I ate? I'm not 3 years old, I am pretty sure I can handle breakfast and lunch every day when you're at work... I'm pretty sure my fat self spreads for miles.

I'm thinking about this, getting my mind straight.

I figured it out today. I took a walk and the answer that I've been looking for came to me. I've been sabotaging myself. This summer I told myself, it's ok to eat because you're thinner than all your friends, what a lie. It's never ok to eat.


But summer is half over and I'm done with this overeating shit. Has it really taken me this long to notice the weight gain? Is it really just clicking now that I've been doing this to myself? I wanted to blame someone or something else. But I can't!
The only reason I haven't turned into a complete whale is because after the fire, I lost ten pounds in two weeks. It stayed off (mostly) until I came home from College town and got so comfortable around my old friends and family.

FUCK THIS!

I will obsessively count my calories (too late, I already do). I will not binge on disgusting shit, if it's going to happen, it'll start with veggies, as punishment for my gluttonous self for wanting anything.

Ugh, I'm sorry, I was going to get all pro-a, but I got a stupid text from a stupid guy. Ok, he's not stupid, just annoying me right now. It's A. I've mentioned him before, he is really hot, and funny, and nice ... but shy, short, and lacking confidence around me. I hate it when guys are intimidated by me.
Anyway, we text a lot. And he asked what I did, and I, trying to subtly remind him of my awesomeness, mentioned that I cooked a delicious dinner.

Lol.

Oh, the things we women do. OK GETTING ON WITH IT I SWEAR. He asked what I made. I answered: "I stir-fryed squash, onions, cauliflower, broccoli, mushrooms, peppers, & tofurkey, with spices for seasoning."

*crickets*

Finally, (and this is his exact quote): "Lol sounds gross. Naw jk I bet it was good! Idk bout the tofurkey tho".

Text shorthand at it's finest. I guess I just wanted him to have an open mind and compliment me on being in the kitchen cooking a fresh dinner instead of sitting on my ass eating a tv dinner off a tv tray (which I've done, but I'm trying to paint a better picture). I want him to know that I am great. It's normal, right? When you're talking to someone to want them to want you? The thing is, I'm not even entirely sure about him. I just like to keep men on the back burner sometimes.

Getting back to my little drama, I didn't respond to him calling my meal "gross". It wasn't gross, blogger friends. It was healthy and tasty. Of course, the only reason I made it was because of the previously mentioned conversation with my mom. She was watching me. If I'm going to eat in front of them and go all out and cook, it better be something I'll actually enjoy.

So he just responded, which interrupted my serious little rant up there. ^
He goes, "I would trust you to cook for me."

Give me a fucking break you male chauvinist bastard. Who said I'm cooking anything for anyone except for myself? Like you'd even try tofurkey, you meat-eating fisherman!

And yet, I find myself swooning. Why?

________________________________________

I'm going to pack another bowl. I'm going to read some more. I'm going to get shit done tomorrow, because today was lazy. I'm going to be thin. I'm going to be thin. I'll do anything to be thin.

Turquoise Beauties.

I wanted to post quickly and tell you that dinner was a success. There was no family drama or fights. We acted civilized. (Acted, haha, all the world's a stage...) I ate NO tortilla chips and drank UNsweetened iced tea. I ordered a salad with lettuce, tomato, onion, mushrooms, peppers, tofu, cucumbers, salsa, and cilantro. NO dressing. NO cheese. Nothing bad or fattening, just veggies and it was big so no one fucking questioned me.

I still feel so fat though. Earlier, after I showered, I stared at myself in the mirror and pinched my upper arm fat and burst into tears. Sometimes I get my inner monologue going too, "I hate you I hate you Sarah you're so fat you're so ugly omg you're so fat so fat so fat and I hate you I hate hate hate you. You stupid fat ass ugly retard, you're so stupid, so fucking dumb you fat ass..." and so on and so forth until I cry actual tears and the loathing is too much and I am filled with rage, pure rage. And then it stops, and I go on.

I did no make up, wore simple clothes, didn't do my hair. Today was me in my natural "glory". I just wanted to get away from the mirror.

Oh, the mirror...

Sometimes my friend, mostly my foe.

Everyday we meet eyes, me and the girl who stares back at me.
Everyday I punch her with a silent fist.
Everyday I poke and prod and grab fat.
Everyday is a war.

You understand, don't you?

I am doing okay now, I think. I cleaned out my cat's litter box. I tossed a load of laundry in. I finished my financial aid shit for college. I emailed my school schedule to my boss. Life could be a lot worse, and it felt like it was, earlier. But I took care of some shit and now I'm just going to do what I do best: smoke and surf the internet. Why? Because I'm a geek and that stuff makes me happy.

One week left in my summer online class. It will be GLORIOUS to be done. Tomorrow, I will dedicate myself to my project, then I'll bring the movie back, shove my books in a corner, and RELAX RELAX RELAX, and then I'll fill out the course evaluations.
And I think finally then, ladies and gentleman, I'll be okay, truly okay.

It'll be time to focus on the move. Moving day is coming up : )

Can't wait to get me and my kitty outta here.

But, back to the present. I have heartburn from that salad, haha weird. I bought new sunglasses today because I lost mine at the beach last week.

As for the boys?
I'm fucking sick of them all. I have a terrible fear of commitment and I am scared to death of letting anyone in or get close to me. I can't, so I won't. And that sums up my situation. Pretty much.

I gotta get outta here. I love you, whoever you are. Actually Flushed, I have gmail too, we SHOULD chat.

Can I be this skinny? Can you?

I need some encouragement. It must come from within, I suppose.

 Or maybe without, as in:

Go Without.

(food)

<3

For the love of all things good and right, THINK THIN!

Help : /

I've been bad. I've been binging. The scale is evil and the number gets higher every day. Is it me? Am I really fucking shit up this bad? Yes, I think so.

I feel horrible. I don't know how to get back in control. Ready for today's food list? Here it is, starting last night around midnight:
Tortilla chips with salsa and guacamole. [600]
Bagel with cream cheese. [350]
2 cookies. [200]
Bite of a nut covered brownie. [75]
1 slice of bread with egg salad, cheese, lettuce, folded over to make a sandwich. [200]
I slice of bread with peanut butter. [190]
Doritos (lots). [375]
Salad with tomato, onion, mushrooms, small amount of mozzarella and dressing. [150]

Total calories for Monday, up until 4 PM... 2140

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That is WAY worse than I thought, and it's only going to get shittier...why, you ask? BECAUSE I AM BEING FORCED TO GO OUT TO DINNER WITH MY FAMILY. FUCKFUCKFUCKSHITASSCUNTDAMNDAMNDDAMNITALLLLLLLL!

Oh my god. And we're going for Mexican.

You know what guys? I have been eating way more than 2000 calories every day. I calorie count on a post it note on my lap top. I am a big fat failure. I am SO disappointed in myself. I eat so much lately. I eat until I feel like I'm going to puke, but then I don't puke. I just... go to sleep and hope to feel thinner in the morning. Isn't that fucked up? I feel so sick right now, I am so sick and sad and ashamed and I haven't even been blogging for crying out loud.

I have no motivation. I am depressed. I feel like an outsider wherever I go and I keep thinking about T. (fucking still!) and all I really want to do is go purge but I just don't WANNA!

I am SO SICK of all this.

I am SO SICK of worrying about this STUPID FUCKING SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!

I am FAT AND I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Do you want to know what the scale fucking told me when I weighed myself today?

138


I think that is my highest weight. EVER.

There are no words to describe the self-loathing.
I want to die.
No I don't.
I want to be thin.

And I won't give up on this.

I juSt nEEd to GeT baCk on TRAck!!!!!!!!!!!

Starting now.
I'm going to make a cup of laxative tea.
Then, I'll shower.
Unfortunately after that I must go get my mom from work so we can meet my dad and brother for a family dinner. Yay. Here's hoping more chaos does not ensue.

God save me.

Skinny bitch.

Wow, my younger (but taller) brother just called me a "snotty little bitch" in front of my parents. We were sitting around the dinner table, having a decent family meal, for once.
Of course, it's all my fault. I should just shut up and let him talk because he's never home, or at least that's what my mom implied. But sorry, I'm not going to sit back and listen to him make racist statements. I put my two cents in and my mom gave me a nasty look. My dad ignored it all, sighing every once in awhile. They all fucking hate me and worship every ignorant piece of work that spews from his childish mouth.

I'm fucking pissed right now. But mostly sad. I feel sad that I ruined it. Isn't that fucked up? He is the youngest, and gets away with fucking murder. I'm the stupid, depressed middle child, ha, feels funny to think of myself as a child. You know what I mean though. Middle children get screwed in more ways than one. It's a fact...look it up.

Ok, so now that I want to die, I should really just change the subject. Ok. How do you guys get so many comments on your blogs? I wish I could. Even if I ask questions no one responds. Guess I'm just slipping through the cracks.

I was supposed to hang with A. tonight but I blew him off. I don't even know why. Actually I do. I am fucking scared to get to know him and too worried that I look fat to be comfortable around someone I am so attracted to. I hate myself. I should have done this day right, but no, I've fucked it alllll up. Like usual. Omg why am I thinking what happened at dinner is my fault? It really wasn't! I truly think my bro needs an attitude adjustment. I never learn though. He doesn't back down once he's on a roll, which he was. My biggest problem is that HE CALLED ME A BITCH! WTF!
My parent's didn't even defend me or say "Don't call your sister that!" or ANYTHING. WHAT THE  FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK OMG OMG OMG I WANT TO SCREAMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


But I won't. I'll get dressed, put in my contacts, grab my bowl, and leave this house for awhile. I don't know where I'll go but most likely Walmart to buy everything I need for my apartment because my mom clearly stated that she wouldn't be helping me buy anything. Oh god that's so fucked up. My shit burns down and she doesn't want to help me buy more? UGHHHH I am seriously freaking out and it really sucks because I was in a decent mood.

This sneaking suspicion that, he's right, I am a bitch, is sort of killing me right now. I'm not though!! I'm nice! I was defending black people for God's sake... he is just a little smart ass ignorant punk who thinks he knows a lot but really doesn't know SHIT.

Enough!!!!!!!!!!!! I need to stop fueling my own fire!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Thinspo:

Think thin...

Flashback.

Three years ago. November. I was living in the city with my ex-boyfriend T. (He was an alcoholic drug-addict who didn't work and didn't pay child support to his son) (I thought I loved him and we lived together for over a year until I moved out one day when he was at work).

My sister who lives in another state had come up here to visit. She was staying at my parent's place. I, wanting to prove my maturity, invited my mom and sister over to our place for dinner. I knew my dad would not come so I didn't bother inviting him. They (mom and sis) were kind enough to come over to our house one cold night for some together time.

T. and I had bought 22 oz beers to drink after they left. Strong ones. We prepared dinner, working together. We made chicken on the grill, potatoes, asparagus, and garlic bread. I, wanting to show off my domestic abilities, helped. I am not a great cook. So they came over, early. We weren't ready, but T., as always, went with the flow. I panicked, but pushed on with the preparations because I wanted to show them that I could handle this simple dinner.

I burned the garlic bread. We only had enough money for 3 pieces of chicken (for the four of us) so that was awkward. I don't remember who split their piece but I'm sure it was me. There was only a little bit of asparagus. We didn't have enough money for this dinner. We were poor and spending the little we had on beer and weed.
T. popped open his beer as soon as they got there. I remember being embarrassed for him, because I had previously talked to my mom about his drinking habits. The dinner was a disaster and my cheeks flushed red with mortification. I wanted to prove that I was ok, that I could do this. I didn't prove a damn thing. They just felt sorry for us, and their pity was the worst part.

They acted like it was normal to not have enough food. They acted like it was fine that T. was guzzling his beer, drinking alone. They thought of me as a little girl playing house. And that's how I felt.

God, why am I remembering this right now? The embarrassment and shame I still feel proves to me that our relationship fucked with me in more ways than I can see.

After they left, that night three years ago, T. and I got drunk and high and pushed it all out of our minds, like we always did.

I crave cheese sometimes.

Period week = binge and bitchiness. Yup, that's about where I'm at, with a side of confusion. I swear that I never thought this summer would be so full of boys. Good God where did they all come from? I'm not even nice, or hot. I'm *ok*. I'm fat though. Ew. Skinnier than my friends, yeah, but still FAT!

Especially today, after: 1/2 bagel with melted mozzarella. huge bowl of cereal with almond milk. 2 cookies. ice cream sandwich. big salad (with more mozzarella). slice of cheese pizza (no crust). larabar. veggie chips.

NO LIES. I HAVE STUFFED MY FACE THIS DAY.

I am so disgusting when I eat, I shovel it in my mouth, barely tasting it, just wanting to fill that burning need inside me. It worked today, I'm full as fuck. It's 3 pm. Jeez. I'll admit that most of that food was ate last night, but it's technically Tuesday, damnit. And I hate myself for indulging. I n D u Lg E r <-- that's me.

Ahem. Back to the boys. A. is a dreamboat. He's got those blue eyes that make me weak. He's a southern sweetheart and a gentleman. He's short, but I must resign to the fact that most guys are in fact short compared to me, the tall tree.
A. and I have exchanged rapid fire text messages. So fast, so much. I keep having to delete them from my phone so it doesn't spontaneously combust from all of the excitement.

I left "The Admirer" aka J. in the cold. I'm just not into him. He's ok, but nothing I'm sweating. By that I mean that I am just not attracted to him, or his personality, or something. It's weird. Hearts are strange. He is probably feeling rejected but it happens, I've certainly felt rejected many many times this past year.

I made out with N. (my best friend's brother) last week. That was fun. There's really nothing there, though. He is actually more of a partier than I am. Makes sense, he was in the military. He is super sexy though, and drives a hot fucking car. Ohgod. I melt. But again, I'm looking to feel comfortable around a guy, and I don't necessarily feel that I can be myself around N. or J.

A. on the other hand? : )

Ok, enough of the name abbreviations and snippets of my sordid affairs. I need to focus on me, which I have NOT been doing. I've been drinking until I puke, stuffing my face late at night, smoking a shit load of cigarettes...I am a hot mess.

It happens...

But I'm still thinking thin every day and restricting whenever possible. I enjoy restricting, and I did it all weekend, but like always, it caught up to me. My hunger yesterday and today was insatiable. However! If I stop now (which I did) I just know that by tonight/tomorrow I'll be feeling a lot better about life.

Love ya'll.

Ps I can't believe I'm already excited for Fall fashion. Wtf? What's the must-have item this Fall for you??

xo~Sar

Drunken haze.

I'm so incredibly hungover. When will I learn not to drink on an empty stomach? It's funny, actually, because I knew I was going out last night, so I purposely ate 2 scrambled eggs and 3 slices of whole wheat toast. Apparently that is not enough, haha, because after 5 beers I puked in a bar bathroom. My friend that I was with thought that eating would help me, because "I'm so tiny" (LOL) so she bought me a veggie burger and fries. I ate most of it, and then threw it allllll up in the parking lot. Right in front of her, and she's saying, "Sar, don't force it out", but little does she know, I've got experience forcing food out. In my defense, it wasn't bulimia at all, I just drank far too much. On a hot day. With a small-ish amount of food in my stomach. And nothing would stay down.
So I passed out at her house and now I'm home, and I've got all this homework for my online class, and no drive or energy to do it. I've been taking my birth control pill so sporadically, and now my hormones are fucked, but whatever, it's not like I'm having sex.

I meet a guy, get to know him, he gets to know "my issues" and then...runs.
If I haven't already ran.

Yesterday, I walked on the treadmill until I burned 150 calories. It's not much, but it was a start, and a decent way to start my day. It definitely had me smiling. Ugh, I just made such a drunk ass of myself last night, I'm mortified.

I had a reason for posting, what was it? Oh yes. S.T. : I am moving out halfway through August, to return to my college town for one final semester of undergrad. Can't Wait!!!!!!!!!!

Things with my parents are the same: bad.

I have a killer headache and feel today like there is something seriously wrong with me. I fell asleep last night with my hand on my hipbone, feeling so happy that I puked, even though I was way too drunk. I am out of control. Where has my purpose gone? I think I am depressed. I think I am crazy. I know that I need counseling, it's just so expensive and I'm going to wait until I get back to school, because it's free there. Well not free, technically, but included with tuition.

God, I feel sick. I'm such a downer, such an idiot, such a drunken mess I was last night, such a hopeless failure today. Guys are repelled by me, my friends are shady (except the girl I was with last night, my best friend), my parents don't trust me, and I trust no one.
And my stomach hurts.
And I am alone, oh God, I'm so alone.

Think thin. Because on days like this, nothing else is a comfort.

xo~Sar

The Sandman.

Sometimes I just want to drink until I die.

The new plan:
1. Finish book and homework post for online class.
2. Shower, you slob.
3. Drive to reservation, buy cheap cigarettes.
4. Drive to bar, drink.
5. Die?

Oh, and about 30 minutes ago I ate 3 pirogis. With sour cream. And some grapes on the side. So earlier, what I said? Big. FAT. Lie. I wish I could say something and stick with it. I wish I lived alone. All of this family time is making me choke. All of the eggshells I'm walking on around my Father are broke. Stupid prick, I fucking hate you. And then there is my Mother. Frigid, weak cunt. I'm so sick of you both. Just kick me out, already, I know you want to. I know you hate me. I know you're counting down the days (like I am) until I leave and am OUT OF YOUR HAIR.
I hate living here - there's too much food.
I hate living here - they hate me.

I just washed a dress and the colors bled onto my favorite white tank top. MotherFUCK I'm pissed off right now, I just wish I was dead.

Or do I?
How fucking emo can I get?

At this point I am just procrastinating. I need to read this fucking book and GET ON WITH MY NIGHT before I GO CRAZY!!!!!!!

Too late, I'm gone.

Just calm down. Just breathe. Just read.

*Think thin*

xo to those who bother commenting (you're the ones who would come visit me in the psych ward)

and I love you.

Fail before Four.

I'm sick of Sar. Self-hatred doesn't get me far but good Lord I am fucking disgusting today. I ate a frozen pizza, 3 servings, total calories 690. It was a store-brand veggie frozen one. I left the crusts. Then I wanted something sweet, because fatties like me crave dessert after every meal, even breakfast. I grabbed the bag of chocolate Oreos, the jar of organic peanut butter, and a napkin. I filled a cup with some water and sat down in front of my lap top. I scarfed down at least eight oreos dipped in pb. I drank some water. It is 2:45 PM and I am done eating for the day, absolutely, positively FINISHED.

My eating habits are so *f u c k e d.

I don't know how to be normal, what is normal? Would a normal person eat half of the pizza and save the rest for later? I don't know, for I am crazy. Clearly.

I don't know what to do with myself, I wish I could make a move. I contemplate walks, naps, movies, books, homework for my summer class. Nothing sounds good. Eating doesn't even sound good at all, which makes sense, considering the MASSIVE MEAL I just ate. Pizza and cookies...lovely, Sar.

I just stepped on the scale, that evil demon. 138. Isn't that just.perfect.?!? God damn it all. What the hell. I should really just go puke. But I won't because I don't want to. I hate throwing up, honestly. I don't deserve that relief. I picked out the food. I cooked it and ate it and enjoyed the tastes while I was experiencing them. I am a fat cow now. I am such a fat lazy fuck.
I understand that weight fluctuates but seriously that's a lot of pounds.

Oh, I am so full. My stomach is pressing out and I am just feeling so full and I want to feel empty and I really just hate hate hate myself I hate Sar I hate me I hate hate hate it all.

I miss P.D. Alice & 1:10. Come back ya'll.

I am such a failure today. Goodbye for now.

My story.

Yesterday, I went rafting. It was SO FUN and a GREAT arm workout. My arms look better and I managed to get by on only a power bar the entire day.Oh, and beer. Until I got home, away from eyes. I called a pizza place and ordered a vegetable calzone.
*sighs*

I went to pick it up. I drove myself to a parking lot. I stuffed my face without breathing. But then I saw some people...so I stopped for ten minutes. I was almost done. I kept looking down, during my little break, thinking, "just stop now, it's for the best", but no, I couldn't do that. I drove to another parking lot and devoured more. I did not finish it, I just ate all of the veggies and most of the cheese and left a little crust behind.

I jogged over to a garbage can and disposed of my evidence, dirty napkins and all. I jogged back to my car, feeling the glass shards scratch my insides. I drove home, guilt pounding my skull. I sneaked quietly back in my house, feeling like a fat cow, but did not walk into the bathroom. Instead, I lay in my head, on my side, and digested. The End.

It's not really the end. I'm still here. I woke up and my bones caught my eye. Hi Bones. I love thee. My tiny wrists look so sexy, hovering above the keyboard. For now. I just don't get me. Ten dollars for that stupid calzone last night and I am sitting here, trying like hell not to regret it. I wanted food, I really did. I'd been starving since Friday. It did have some veggies in it, but the cheese, oh the cheese, the gooey, melty, stringy,bad, bad, BAD, HORRIBLE, cheese. It's clogging my arteries; it's making me fatter as we speak.

No food today. Friday and Saturday were decent days for restricting. Really decent. Today will not fuck up my weekend. I've just been soo bummed this whole weekend. I was supposed to take this trip with a friend but she got sick. Story of my fucking life. Thing is, she's always sick. I should have known to NOT get my hopes up.

Oh, and Friday night...I made out with my best friend's brother. Lovely.
As for dude I had a date with earlier in the week? Total dud...erased his number. The concert was great though and my dress was super cute. Oh, I'm sick of boys. I really just want T. Is that true? Is he really it? Or do I crave the unattainable?

Well peepz, my neck hurts. Sorry I've been sucking on posting lately, I'm just uninspired. My mom and I got in a HUGE fight this weekend and we're still avoiding each other. It's super lame. I've been neglecting my poor cat. I'm a terrible person, really. Pray for me.

Think thin!

Date night.

We're sitting around a table, playing a drinking game with cards. The game is 'Kings'. If you pick the King card than you have to drink from the main cup, which everyone pours some booze in. I pull the King card, of course, so I eye the drink. It is filled with whiskey and coke and beer. Calorie bomb. I was feeling tipsy and wanting to be drunk so I said to myself, the hell with it, just drink. And as I lift the cup to my lips, this guy across the table said, "Chug it, you could use the calories".

Oh??

Thanks for commenting on my size in front of ten people and turning all eyes on me and making me feel uncomfortable, because don't you see how fat I am? I can't win though. And I can't let him win. So I smiled smugly and downed the drink in a couple of seconds. It wasn't awful.

That was Sunday night. Today is Tuesday and I feel huge. Today I had watermelon and some (gasp!) white pasta with this disgusting garlic butter sauce that was left over from a party we had for the fourth. It was the only thing in our fridge full of food that looked appetizing. I would guess that I ate maybe 1 1/2 - 2 cups. It' so fucking hard to know, I can guess all I want, but I'll never know the truth.

My love life has gotten interesting. I enjoy being a 'pimp'. By that I mean, I love talking to several guys at once...


Well, I've done some laundry and now I'm smoking a little bowl. I am going shopping, because this guy "D." is picking me up to go to a concert :) It's the first time we actually have plans to chill. He is gorgeous and incredibly tall. I want to look bangin' so I'm looking to buy a dress. I am nervous as fuck which is why I am done eating for the day. Pasta and fruit: all I need for this beautiful Tuesday.

I refuse to have a bloated stomach. I have a few hours, 4 to be exact, before he comes. Ugh, a real date!?

Am I ready?

OH, and THANK YOU for the lovely comments. I felt sort of foolish asking such things of you! But you surprised me, darling!! <3

Peace on Earth,

and,

wish me luck, haha. Should be a good time but you know...only time will tell.

I'm thinking thin, are you??
ThinK ThiN

<3 Sar


*NOTHING tastes as good as thin feels...*

Margarita.

Today, I stupidly ate four slices of bread and one bagel. (Also a salad, cherries, and strawberries). (And 3 cookies). What a bread binge. Do you ever do that? What the fuck is up with me and bread? Tonight around midnight it was time to binge, and you know what time that is...it's the time when you and I lose control and stop focusing on what's important (being thin). It happens to me when I stay under 1000 calories for a couple days. I really hate that, I mean, life would be easier if binging and food didn't exist. I'd prefer to swallow a pill and be nourished, without all the extra fat, calories, sugar, and sodium. Ah, what a life that'd be. Free and easy, easier than pie.

Did I say pie? Oh I did, yes, because tonight when I opened the freezer there was an apple pie just chillen. Literally. What. The. Fuck.

Get this- there's also brownies, cookies, candy, cashews, 8 bags of chips, peanut butter, the disgusting list of fattening food goes on. I am thankful my family is not struggling to eat but good God...does it have to be all junk? 
It's sort of great though, because I don't dare touch it.

Today I got a pedicure for the first time. My toe nails are a gorgeous red with a tiny white flower on each big toe. They look nice :) I want them to last forever like this! But they won't, how sad. I just know the tiniest chip is going to piss me off.

I am sipping a very girly drink, a Margarita in a glass bottle...haha it's not too strong, and I know the extra calories are bad, but I need to relax a little. I am taking this online course and I wrote a very personal post tonight, full of emotion. Full of questions and a little bit of bullshit. What is wrong with me? I just crave the outlet. This blog is not enough for me. I feel somewhat limited at times, which is strange; I'm also petrified that someone I know is reading this, like a boy or love interest. FuCk. Hope not!

I'd like to NOT be anonymous, I'd like to display a picture of my face and send this link to family and friends. But I won't, I can't. My eating issues are mine alone. I like to keep them private. Yes, I encourage people to eat healthy. Yes, I still think I'm fat. Therefore...my blog stays lowkey.

I don't know if you've even read this far down the page; I imagine you have, I'm quite the writer! (Just kidding). 


So here's the deal. I want to know how long you've been reading. Please. Just take one minute and let me know, whether it's been two days or two months or two years. Please, again, I'm begging you. I need to know if I have any chance of making a career out of writing. It would be so helpful to know if I have any longterm loyal readers.

It's sad, but I am not sure when I began to get followers. Six months ago? A year ago? I just always signed on and starting typing furiously until I changed my focus as an attempt to get readers, which apparently worked.

Pleaseeeee comment sometime telling me how long you've been reading. I'll love you forever :)

In other news,

Think thin.

Nice long skinny legs. Nice space between. You know what I mean.

*************

((but you wouldn't catch me squeezing into those pink pants...))

xo~Sar

<3 Please comment!!! <3

Blue.

Why are my toe and finger nails blue today? And why are my feet freezing? It's fucking July and I want to be warm, damnit.
I just came back home, it is four in the morning, I was with *the admirer* also know as J. It was a great time :)

I enjoy his attention. I think he is attractive and really kind. We had an amazing talk on his rooftop tonight. Under the stars, smoking a little peace pipe, just him and I...it was almost romantic. It was worthwhile. It was a nice way to spend the rest of my evening. Today really wasn't bad.
I stayed under 950 calories, which is great.
I love how skinny I feel next to most people (but not J. - he's super thin). Seriously, and I can say most because I am thin...
just not thin enough...


And so I will continue my mission to skinny. I am obviously doing something right, though I think I plateaued. Hope not, but it's reason enough to work out.
I am always just happier when I have a successful restricting day.

It's weird, in the past two days I've been on the receiving end of talks about "dysfunctional eating", or "starving herself" as my mom told me about a distant relative. My friend was talking about how people's weights go up and down. I almost wonder if she was talking about me.
Because I have lost weight.

I'd be a fool to say I haven't. And yet, I'm oddly unsatisfied. It's like, when do I stop thinking about losing? When am I comfortable enough with myself to stop? When do I start feeling good about myself? It's never fucking good enough, is it? This doesn't end until my body quits, and I don't want to get there. But nothing's really stopping me.

Sigh.

It's late, and I'm tired. I've been kicked out of my room though. My sister and her husband are sleeping in my bed, with their baby (my nephew!) in a small crib beside them. I'm in another room, with my cat. Sleep isn't happening tonight because he's wide awake. And so am I, really. I can't get over this thing with J. It's realllllly weird. He is so open- so...adoring. It's actually a bit much, but I really like it, and understand that my self esteem really needs the boost.

Is that terrible?
Oh, man. I sound like a manipulative witch. Fuck it. I just gotta live.

Think thin....