Live despite the madness imprisoning you

This lovely message was apparently taped to our family fridge sometime between last night and this morning.

I woke up and went to the fridge to refill my water and ice, saw this, and gagged.

Actually I didn't, I smiled inside while keeping a horrified expression on my face; I texted my mom, "this sign on the fridge is borderline offensive", and she responded with, "don't look at it, it's only for me".

No wonder I have so many issues.

***

So now I'm sitting here, sipping on iced coffee with no added sugar or cream, taking a couple small hits off my bowl, and blogging my little heart out. I haven't ate anything, so my stomach is churning in a odd way. Life is so fucking busy since I started this job. Tomorrow will be the end of my fifth week there. Where am I going? What the hell am I even doing?

I spend my days working, listening to music on my headphones, and daydreaming about the future and what I want and where I can possibly go. How do I figure it all out? 

I need to remember, I've accomplished step one. I've got a job. It's full time hours with tons of benefits offered. If I stay. Which I probably will, at least for now.

I enjoy getting a paycheck every week, I like seeing friends on the job, I relish the 3 breaks I get per day. I tell myself, inside my crazy head, "you're not stuck here". I seek a better, more fulfilling life. I try to remember, "wherever you go, there you are". If I can find peace within, I can do anything.

I've been losing weight. I'm down to 140 and I'm getting back into the 130's dammit, if it's the last thing I do. Eating less is key. I am not very physically active at the moment, but I can envision that changing. 

My bony wrists keep me motivated. I work with my hands and I try to incorporate as much movement into what I'm doing as possible. I sometimes just stare at my skinny arms. I often look down at the awesome space between my thighs. I am the thinnest out of my "work friends group". I imagine that they stare with envy at my jutting collarbones (showing more and more lately) during lunch (I always pull my hair back when I eat; the rest of the time it's down, my long hair usually hides my bones...I kind of like it that way. My collarbones are just such an obvious sign that I restrict. Or perhaps it's just obvious to me? What do you think?).

Listen to "The Only Living Boy In New York" by Simon and Garfunkel if you want to pretend we are chillen in the same room, burning one, being pals.

Dancing is my favorite "work out". Over the weekend at my friend's wedding, I danced so much. I heard 2 compliments, one that I am "light on my feet" (!) and one that I'm "very graceful". Go me!

I need to end this post, but I don't want to. It's nice just sitting here, pouring out pent up feelings to the anonymous world. 

The placebo effect of vitamins amazes me.

Think thin today. Be the thinnest at your work. Stay strong against temptation! The other day a woman was walking around with cupcakes from somebody's birthday and stopped my friend and I in the hallway at work. Did we want a blue frosted cupcake? My friend took one. I stayed strong and kept my mind focused on the end result. I refused the damn cupcake. Just like the three cakes in the break room over the past few weeks. I did not bother taking a slice or three. I didn't need it, but more importantly, I did not want it. I don't want all that extra sugar. I don't even like cake, honestly.

If I'm going to have sugar it's going to be on my terms. I'll eat if I buy it, if I make that choice. I'm trying not to make that choice though. Either way, I will not allow for an unplanned sweet sugar bomb. Because that stuff makes you fat.

And I won't be fat. Not ever. Fuck, I'd avoid having kids and just adopt if my situation ever came to that. Not that I have a romantic prospect. I was talking to this guy I met recently, but I haven't really heard from him. So I'm assuming he met someone else and I should probably do the same.

***

Peace, lovers.

Xo

Sar