Another kind of green

Fucking loan sharks. I would have never went to college if I knew the misery that would follow regarding money. Stupid, filthy money. This "debt ceiling crisis" in the USA is making me fucking sick. Go to hell, politicians. You don't give a shit about the people. You're living a nice comfy existence, sitting on billowy pillows stuffed full of crisp green paper. FUCK YOU and your mom.

/rant over.

It's tuesday, my least favorite day of the week. The weekend feels so far away :( I am in a weird mood (ya think?). I sat with my dad on the porch for about 10 minutes and talked about some serious stuff. My cousin is in jail, he called me on sunday asking for the title to my car. To bail him out. Um, no, distant cousin. I feel for you but get your act together. I struggle and have struggled enough. My life has not been easy. But you don't see me landing in jail for accosting an elderly woman. Fucking crackhead.

I hung out with Matt on saturday. He's the guy I've been "interested in". We had a good time and the physical attraction is intense. But does he want more? I'm not sure and I'm sick of wondering.

I know facebook is stupid and not reality but I find myself analyzing his shit on there. He went to a music festival two weeks ago so of course the pictures are slowly appearing. Yesterday there was a picture of his handprint on some chick's ass that he apparently slapped pretty hard. Of course I stalked her after seeing that and decided I was prettier and thinner, but that doesn't mean anything.

I'm jealous. I hate myself for being jealous, it's the worse emotion ever. I cannot even confront him about it because for all I know they are actually friends and were just drunk and haven't I smacked a million asses? Didn't I make out with a random on K.'s bachelorette? I have leverage here, I'm just struck with uncertainty.

He is not a big texter and so I refuse to text him because I'm terrified that he won't reply. Obviously I like him. We've seen each other only 3 times in my entire life but there is definitely *something* there, I just need to go slow and tell myself that the past is the past and maybe he's not a player. We are supposedly hanging out this weekend so we'll see. I think I can trust him but I'm just so unsure. Obviously being emotionally scarred will do that to someone.

All I can say is thank God we didn't have sex the other night. We came somewhat close, just heavy and hot making out with some dry humping, partial nudity, and feeling up. His eyes are green and gorgeous, they actually look a little like mine. He is tall and thin, very sharp ribs and hip bones, which skinny guys tend to have, but I didn't feel fat next to him. His hands and sensual gaze made me feel gorgeous and wanted. When we were together I felt good. Today, I feel lost. Today, I miss him and want to talk to him but I know that I cannot. He is a busy guy, he works full time just like I do. We're unfortunately on opposite shifts. I just need to not mess this up.

Or maybe he'll mess it up first. If it doesn't work it doesn't work I guess but that doesn't mean I don't want it to.

So. Back to the important stuff. Today I weighed 139.5 when I woke. That makes me happy because when I had my period my weight had fluctuated to 144. I felt gross. But I can deal with the 130s. Just gotta stay smart and stay here.

R e s t r i c t i o n

I restrict food, feelings, and people.

T h i n k  T h i n

I keep my eyes on my bones and look at my fat when I need to hate myself. The hate provokes a rough response. I just want to be thinner.

***

I know this post is all over the place, I'm just in such a funk today and there has been a lot of change and crazy stuff going on. Life has been weird. I know that it will continue to be weird but I just need to keep trying right? I can't give up, I have goals. Goals that matter to me. Like being thin, getting a newer car, moving out, paying on my loans. These goals are achievable. I can do it all.

But isn't the joy in the journey? Where the fuck is my joy? Oh yeah, he's working and I wonder if he's even thinking of me? I wish I hope I wish I hope.

Alright. Peace, lovely people.

*Any thoughts on new relationships? If he seems real and nice when were together, but his facebook *suggests* something different, should I be worried? Am I crazy?*


Xo
Sar