Slightly stupid

Stoned. At home. Sipping a glass of wine. I agree, I need to get this coworker sex fantasy out of my head. The problem is that I'm shy. The other problem is J.- I care for him. I have a feeling that I'm subconsciously self-sabotaging.

Work is done for the week. It's officially Saturday morning and today is the last day of the year. I'm going to get a hair cut. I need to do (everything) right.

Today D. (guy at work) and I didn't really talk. But there was this weird eye contact on break. He is a mystery, and I'm up to my old tricks. What will it take for this wandering eye to die?

And here I am, texting my ex-boyfriend. What the fuck is wrong with me?

-Sar

2011 is old news

Doll-thin, non-reality, fucked priorities.

New year's eve eve. I'm listening to music, schmoking some schmoke, and haven't even made the coffee yet, even though it's 12:30 in the afternoon. Fuck.

Ok, the situation has been remedied! It's a-brewing. I really need to clean. My room is messy. It's driving me crazy. I just want a few hours to do it! So tonight or tomorrow, I'm buckling down. I'd like to start the new year with an organized space. And a organized mind.

I watched "Melancholia" two nights ago. What a movie! The music is gorgeous and appropriate, the visuals are haunting and Kirsten Dunst plays a very convincing depressed woman. She will probably win some sort of award. Her sister (actress Charlotte Gainsbourg) is Ana-thin. Her bones stick out in every scene. Oh, movie thinspo, how I enjoy thee.

Mmm coffee. I've been cheating and drinking it with creamer. Every guilty sip is an inch around my waist.

***

New year's eve last year was a shit show. Same with the year before, actually. Wow. Ok. So this year is going to be normal. I hope, I pray. I am going to a free concert in my area. I have no clue who's joining me or who's driving. I might go have dinner at a friend's first. Might. Any occasion involving food makes me nervous. I'll cross that bridge when I get there.

J. has to work tomorrow and Sunday, unfortunately. He will be getting out at quarter to midnight tomorrow. We want to see each other and kiss at twelve so it will be a race against time, trying to get together for a lip lock...how romantic. Then we'll get wasted. How not romantic.

Today is going to be one of those days, I can feel it. Too much on my mind and I've been fighting off a sickness. I am nervous about tomorrow and hope everything goes well. The rest of the year depends on it!

Do you believe in karma?

***

On one last, final, note. There is a guy at work. *Sighs* I am really into J. and pleased with what's happening with us, but this guy!

I don't know if I invent this shit to keep myself entertained at never-ending work, or what. But I'm thinking there is some chemistry between us.

For some reason, I can hardly look at him. My eyes give me away and I blush so I avoid him. This was innocently going on for months, but he recently (2-3 weeks ago) switched to my department! So I see him every day, alll day.

I guess maybe I'm just super horny. I haven't had sex in awhile. And my sex-with-a-coworker fantasy is always present. I mean, I'm not technically tied down or with a ring on my finger. I can do what I want.

What do I want? Does anyone ever know?

***

Think thin today. Be strong. Be thin.

X
O

S
A
R

Baggy clothes are a mixed blessing

Hope you all had a great holiday! I celebrated Christmas in a big way: NFL game on the Eve, lots of food and drink all weekend, and good times with family and friends. I gave and received nice gifts. I haven't stepped on the scale since last week. That all changes tomorrow. I allowed myself some indulgences but for no longer. It's time to get serious.

Although, some days I feel too thin. Can you believe that? My clothes are just too baggy! I'm not exactly complaining but I like to look good, and no one looks good when their clothes are hanging off. I'm not rich so I can't keep shopping for new stuff...I'm just not buying jeans for awhile and the dryer is my new best friend.

Oh, and last week I bought a shirt from bebe, size XS. That's extra small. Because I'm apparently shrinking back to my high school body. It looks super cute on me and I wore it to J.'s when we exchanged gifts. We are still dating. He gave me a Vera Wang necklace and a purse. I gave him a hat and a lava lamp. We're too fucking adorable.

Be strong. Peace.

XO

~Sar~

Peace frog (not for closed-minded individuals)

Hey hey. I've been losing more weight. About 4 pounds since I've last blogged. This makes me happy, I'm getting there...but not there yet. (The elusive "there"). I need to lose about 8 more pounds before I'm completely happy with my body. That's my plan, and I'm sticking to it.

Last night I took LSD. By myself. In my room, after work. It was good stuff and the "effects" kicked in right away. I was seeing some incredible things. Acid is a weird drug. It tricks you. I'd be looking around, thinking, "Ok, it's fading, maybe everything is back to normal" and then I'd look to my left and see my scarf-covered mirror melting off the wall like a Dali clock five feet away from me. It was beautiful, it was surreal. It happened, and I won't forget it. I'll never forgot what I saw. What I've seen.

I've taken LSD (3 or 4 times) before so I was prepared for it. I hid my full length mirror, put pretty dresses and scarfs over items to captivate my eyes, and kept my thoughts light and happy. It was a peaceful trip. 

I was tired the whole time, which kind of sucked. I worked 8 hours, ate very little all day (about 400 calories - if that), came home and stayed up another 7 hours. It was just a long day and I absolutely think LSD is better in a daytime summer setting. I didn't even go outside. It was late, dark and freezing cold out there. But I liked my little oasis. It was soothing, in a way, to chill out in my room and not have to think about going anywhere or doing anything I didn't want to.

Being around nature is integral while tripping. You can really notice the intricacies as you gaze in wonderment at the natural world. If I ever do it again, it will be outside in the summer.

I have two houseplants in my bedroom and that's as close to nature as I got (this time). It was all gravy, baby.

Are you experienced?

Tripping brings you outside of your body for a bit. I realized that my body is a vessel; my soul is possessing it to experience life on Earth as Me. Someday, when I die, this body will be cast away, long forgotten and dispensable, and I will be free to fly.

I am not looking forward to that day, I want many years to live my life and fulfill my purpose here on Earth as Sar. I truly hope I can make a difference in the lives of others, in fact I know that I already have, and will continue to do so. Forever changing, gratefully learning and loving. 

And when 'D-day' comes, I will shed away my skin like a snake. I will burst out of my cocoon like a bold breath-taking butterfly. I will jump into the abyss, naked.

And it'll be ok. I'll be ok. You'll be ok.

***

The Beatles are the best band I've ever heard. The message of peace and love combined with their incredible musical talent is something I choose to connect with on a deeper level. Their music is timeless, riveting, and speaks to me like nothing else I've ever heard. I wish I lived during the 1960's-70's so I could've had the chance to see them live.

I listened to "Yellow Submarine" in its entirety on my trip. What an amazing album! I was overwhelmed with love for the group and their music. I was struck by how the songs flowed perfectly together. It just made sense, and I was thankful to have ears to be able to hear such wonderful music.

I love love LOVE music!

Do you? I am ALWAYS looking to hear new bands! Let me know!

***

Time for a shower and perhaps coffee. I only slept 6 hours but couldn't/didn't want to be in bed all day. I just needed to blog about my trip. I'm glad I did it.

Yes, most drugs are "bad", addicting, and dangerous if you're out driving but I've done my research. I feel comfortable with the fact that LSD doesn't hurt my body or brain. Not that I'll be doing it again anytime soon. Don't get me wrong - it is a very powerful drug.

You have to accept it, you need to have some idea of what could happen so you don't get a little freaked out by the emotional cutting board and stuff moving in the corner of your eye and the thoughts, oh the thoughts come hard and fast. You must know this, be ok with it, embrace it, remember that it WILL end, and you'll be set.

Ahem. Not that I'm giving drug advice. LOL.

***

Shower time for real. I need to get out while it's still light out! Have a good weekend and love yourself.

Think thin, too. 

XO

~Sar~

Secret Santa

My hipbones keep poking through my jeans!

Today: coffee. water. 1 small apple.

Later at work we are having a holiday luncheon. It's an hour long distraction from work so I'm grateful for that. I have no clue what will be served but I'm pretty much fasting in preparation. It's at 7. I will keep my portions small and hope there isn't much for vegetarians. No one will see me going up for seconds or stuffing my face like a fat ass.

My outfit is cute and my outlook is (somewhat) positive. I got in a fight with my mom on the phone but I will not let it ruin my day. We are doing a "Secret Santa" gift exchange at the luncheon, I got a cute gift for this girl and hope I get something cool in return from whoever my "Santa" is. I'll let ya know.

Just want to say think thin always!

Be someone's inspiration thinspiration.

XO
~Sar

*

In need of fresh air

Ever hear of Gotye? I can't get enough right now.

So. Another day, another dollar. Last time I blogged I mentioned apprehension about going to work...well guess what I did? Called in. Sick. Like the liar that I am.

I had a day of shopping with a little binge on Mcdonalds french fries. I went back to work the next day refreshed. Saturday was our party, and I had a great time! My new size 6 cocktail dress was just a little baggy on me! It felt great and I looked incredibly beautiful. Haha conceited much? Ah well, tis my blog, my curse.

Me and J. are dating for realz. It's scary. My response to fear is restricting food and sleep. My throat is feeling a little sore but not from purging. It could be from the constant bowl smoking. Or maybe lack of rest and nutrition is finally catching up. Dammit.

I've been maintaining a lower weight. I'm pleased but exhausted. I keep chewing the inside of my cheeks and lips like an obsessive. I'm filled to the brim with anxiety over everything.

Time to shower and get ready for work.
This coffee isn't waking me up.
This weed is making me wacky.
Maybe I'll pop an "airborne".


Stay Strong Against Temptation.

&

Think Thin Always.

XO

Sar

December blues

Currently listening to the Nutcracker. Drinking black coffee. Smokin' up. Down another pound.

Work has been awful. I'm "not where I should be at 6 months" according to my boss. Cue huge blow to my self esteem. HUGE because I take everything personally. I have to. That's how I roll. And the worst part is that he's right. But I am not the only one to blame. My trainer has been such a slacker. Everyone in my department is, really. I feel like I have no friends there. I feel like a stupid idiot. I feel like escaping, quitting, bouncing out, leaving them high and dry.

I can't remember a worse work week. I have no choices here unfortunately. I can't quit. I can't take a sick day. I need the money so I need this job. I'm going to get serious about looking for another in the new year. Until then I must stick it out.

This time of year is complex. The kid part of me is excited to get presents.  I enjoy the holiday lights and our festive Christmas tree. The adult part of me is bummed because the magic is gone. Expectations are diminished. I'm broke, working a shitty job and driving a shitty car.

For God's sake! Why can't I just look on the bright side?

***

Time to get ready for work. 2 more shifts until the weekend. Hoping today goes a little better.

\Think thin and Stay strong/

XO
Sar

She told me I looked skinny

Hey there sexy reading machines!

I haven't stopped in weeks. I've been so damn busy. I'm living life and enjoying my days...this past weekend especially! I hung out with J. both nights but on Saturday some friends joined us for a (totally awesome) concert.

We were in the bathroom and I was looking in the full length mirror, harshly criticizing myself internally, when my friend said, "You look really skinny!"

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Finally, someone freaking NOTICED and said something to me! I've been waiting for this! Thank you thank you thank you for the compliment!!!


Back to the bathroom - I beamed brightly and said, "Thanks! I've been trying to lose weight!"

End of conversation...it's days later and I'm still thinking about it, letting those few words propel me through my journey to thin.

Time to get ready for work. I will post a longer update one of these days hopefully...if stuff slows down.

Well, ok. One last thing...this coming weekend is my work holiday party! I bought a sexy new dress and J. is coming as my date! Reason enough to think thin this week! I'm going to look slamming!

Stay Strong.

XO

Sar

***