Hate

I really wish I didn't hate myself.

WHY do I fuck everything up?

WHY do I push everyone away?

WHY do I cling to my haunted past?

WHY AM I SUCH A FUCKING GODDAMN MESS?

Fidelity

I'm SO SICK of people and their judgmental comments about my weight!! Case in point: Last night, my 2 good friends came over to smoke a blunt. Then we they got the munchies and decided to drive to a local late night taco place. I knew that even if I ordered a bunch of stuff I would still most likely go home and have a snack, so I just ordered an apple empanada. They both spoke up, "You make me feel like a cow! Jeez I just ordered all this stuff and that's all you get? I'm so fat!" ... blah.blah.blah. STFU. If you're not happy with your fat body then do something about it. Practice some fucking self control. Count calories. It's actually easy.

I've lost about 5 pounds in the past few months and am seemingly keeping it off. Of course, I'm "hungry" all the time and bitchy...but my body looks good. And that's a little more important in this dog-eat-dog world.

Right? I figured you'd agree. After all, that's why you're here...for inspiration.

***

Me and J. are "facebook official"...oh Jesus. It's getting real in here. No sex yet, but I'll keep you updated. ;)

Gotta jet. Peace loves.

XO
~S

Do you ski?

I pulled out the measuring tape today after I showered. I've lost 2 inches around my waist and 1 inch around my hips since last summer. I'll call that progress. I'm doing something right.

Sorry I disappeared for awhile there, I've been so busy. J. and I are finally "official". We've seen each other consistently every weekend for a couple months now. It's weird, but feels right. I actually really like him! He wants to take me skiing in February (I've never been) and we would be staying in a hotel with our friends (another couple who recently married). He thinks he can teach me but I'm convinced I can teach myself. I read a lot, there's got to be a way.

Or, there's you sexy people. Any skiing tips/advice?? PLEASE share.

I bet skiing is a great workout..

***

So, it's Monday and I'm leaving for work in 20 minutes. Another week closer to Spring. I really can't wait for warmer temperatures. We've had (somewhat) mild weather here, for the area, but I don't like bundling up and being freezing all the time. But, I can keep working on my body and by the time it's bikini season, I'll be looking stunning.

Will you?

Think thin!

XO
-S

Settle down

I'm in a funk, trying to snap out. It's 2012 but I forgot it's a new year, forgot to change something about myself. I woke up in a bad mood, exhausted, cold, with a headache. My thoughts are negative.

I'm trying to turn my mind around. Figured I'd try blogging. I'm totally uninspired.

Lately I've been sliding into Self Pity Mode. It's a rotten place to be and yet it's my go to.

Also, I've been so fucking hungry this week, it's literally affecting my mood. Every day I've ate only veggies and hummus for lunch and I've come home from work positively starving, bitchy, and ready to eat anything. It's not good. The madness starts about two hours before work is done for the night. My coworkers are avoiding me and my bitchy self. At least I think so, the paranoia is encompassing. I think everyone is looking at me funny.

Where was I going with all this? Nowhere, really.

There's got to be some good. Ok, J. We like each other. Our time together is fun. He just doesn't text/call me enough! He has said before that he "doesn't want to bother me". I'm not sure what I said, but it doesn't bother me! I miss him! Or am I just getting attached? We text at least once a day and talk on the phone maybe twice a week. But I want more. Do I? Am I so confused that I don't even know if I want more or I'm just programmed to want more or maybe society is telling me to want more? Maybe I want less? No. That can't be it.

I've just always been a sucker for instant gratification.

I cannot not not not turn to J. as an answer to my sadness. I will not use him as a shrink. I know deep down that our pace is fine, albeit a little slow. But slow is better than fast, at least for me, at least right now.

I went to get the mail and my train of thought has slowed.

Think Thin Today. Tomorrow. Always.


Sar

Eating issues

Hi my name is tiny waist

Happy New Year! 2012! I just got back from a great date with J. and now I'm hanging out about to go to bed. Today was good, J. and I spent 8 hours together. We went to dinner at this great little vegetarian hole in the wall restaurant, that I picked out because he had asked me where I'd always wanted to go.

I ate a falafel (why oh why did I go for something deep-fried??) sandwich which was only partially mortifying. Have I ever mentioned my severe dislike for eating in front of people, especially guys, especially guys I like?! I am in constant fear of looking like a pig or having food around my mouth or crumbs on my shirt or food in my teeth. I wipe my mouth with a napkin after every bite, like an obsessive. I swish water in my mouth when I take a sip of my drink (always water or alcohol), to "clean" my teeth. I feel like a freak upon reflection. It's only eating...right?

As if.

I can't even think. I'm distracted with thoughts of J. and fragments of our conversation. Did we really just spend the day together? Yes. We sure did. And I had fun. I enjoyed our time together. I can see us falling in love. It's weird. I am basically astounded by the whole thing.

I am going to bed soon. I must end this. But first, I hope everyone had a nice new years eve and day! I definitely had a blast!!! I was hungover on the 1st though. Oops. This does happen every year, at least since I've been 21.

Think thin!!

XO
sar

Ps. My stomach is positively grumbling. Should I give in? Nah, don't feel like it.